I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you’ve read any of my other blog posts you’re probably thinking something along the lines of “are you really just figuring this out?”. Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I’ve never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn’t a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn’t right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all.
Previous times when I’ve been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal to me. I didn’t even realize I was depressed because I couldn’t feel anything except negativity. There was nothing positive going on in my mind, nothing reminding me hey this is just an illness. Last week though, for the first time, when those negative thoughts started coming I was able to realize why they were there. I was able to realize that they were appearing because I was sick and my defenses were down and since I was able to realize that they were not the thoughts I wanted to be having I felt mentally ill. From learning more about myself and how I handle different situations I am gaining a better understanding of what thoughts are mine and what thoughts come from my illness. This all comes from learning more about myself and gaining trust in myself. Trusting that these thoughts are temporary because I’m sick and that I don’t truly believe I’m useless. This was why I was able to feel not only physically sick but mentally sick, because I finally have the healthy version to compare myself too.
This was a revelation to me and just a further reminder that our mind and bodies are way more connected than we realize. It’s not enough to only work on my mental health or my physical health. Just like when I was mentally weak I became physically weak, I need to work on becoming mentally AND physically strong. It’s all connected and I’m learning that I need to take steps forward in both these areas and not just one or the other. I’m trying to figure out a daily schedule that will help me take positive steps forward in both areas while challenging myself but not to the point of failure. In all honestly it is EXTREMELY difficult. It takes more energy than I’m used to giving and more trust in myself than I think I have but I’m re-realizing how important it is to help me continue moving forward in my fight against this illness.
Any advice on how to handle working on everything at once would be greatly appreciated. Also has anyone else ever actually felt mentally ill? I would love to hear your thoughts!
Until next time. 💜