I feel like when I write my posts I tend to take on a positive tone even when I’m talking about my times of depression. I wanted to do something a little different and show you all what my thoughts are like when I’m really struggling. I don’t want your pity or anything, I just want to show you how it is for me on my bad days. How depression is real, and how my thoughts turn negative when it’s a rough day. I found some entries I wrote in my journal from some really bad days I have had and thought I would share them. I wanted to give an example of the true thoughts that run through my mind during the bad days to show you what people with a mental illness have to overcome on a daily basis.
Just a disclaimer, this is really vulnerable and completely out of my comfort zone. I have an easy time sharing my progress and my good days or even reflecting back on my bad days but this is different. This is an inside look into exactly what my brain was going through during a depression. These were the thoughts I was fighting and these were the thoughts that I had to learn to tell myself were lies. Just to note, these entries were from about a year ago when things were really bad so these thoughts aren’t as constant any more, but there are definitely days when they return. This is hard for me and it’s almost embarrassing to admit that I’ve even ever thought things like this but I feel it’s important to share them with you.
“I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like myself. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I don’t get why this has to happen to me. I feel weak and defeated. I want help. I want answers. I want justification. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I want to be back to normal. I want to function properly. I feel broken and confused. I feel crazy. I feel guilty. I feel embarrassed. I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to motivate myself to get better. I’m frustrated and mad. I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know how to change. What do I do?”
“I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way. Every time I think I’m doing okay my body is right there laughing at me trying to do stuff. How do I love myself when I’m my biggest enemy? How do I have friends when I can’t even get myself to leave the house. I’m 23 years old and I’m scared all the time. I hate being alone but there are times when here is no other choice. When will it all be okay? When will I be okay? I don’t even know what that feels like anymore. I don’t like this version of myself. I’m trying to accept that it is just a bump in the road and I just needed to slow down but how do I know when I’m capable to speed back up? How do I know it won’t just happen again? How do I deal with it now? How do I deal with it in the future? I just want to move on from this and get on with living my life.”
Like I said earlier, even though these were written about a year ago, there are definitely still days now where I could have easily written the same thing. My depression brings thoughts of the same kind, usually filled with fear and self-doubt. As much as I hate looking back and knowing that there are days that I felt like this, in a weird way it is also nice to be able to read these thoughts. I can look at them and see the lies and hopefully use that to help me better prepare for the next time they may come invading my brain. They also help me see how far I’ve come, because even though these thoughts still sometimes cross my mind, they have become so temporary compared to the permanent residence they used to hold. I highly encourage anyone going through mental illness, or just anyone in general, to keep a journal. Write in it every day, once a week, once a month, or just whenever you feel the need, but write in it. There is something so helpful to being able to read back how you were feeling, especially at a time when you didn’t particularly feel in control.
Until next time. 💜