From the very beginning of my official diagnosis of anxiety, along with my other issues, I’ve always said the hardest thing is knowing that I’m the problem and the solution, but not knowing how to fix it. It’s such a defeating feeling knowing that everything you need to overcome an issue lies within you, but still not being able to get better. Why am I stopping myself from being okay? Why am I self-sabotaging and telling myself I can’t do something that I know I can? Obviously, over time I’ve learned that I’m not consciously telling myself to not be okay, but that’s what my brain tells me. I have this image in my mind that it should be as easy as snapping my fingers to find the solution to my anxiety. I know I know, you can laugh with me on that one, because I know there is not a solution to my anxiety, it’s more learning how to live with my anxiety and dance with it, creating a relationship.
During my therapy session on Monday, we realized that I have been working with my current therapist for a year and a half now. Don’t even get me started on how fast time flies, but a year and a half later and I’m still struggling with this same concept that I’ve been struggling with since the start. If that’s not an example of having to be patient and really take time to get to know yourself in order to live a better life, then I don’t know what is.
I’ve been wanting to write about this topic since I’ve started this blog, but didn’t know what to say besides complaining on how I can’t fix myself. Well this weekend I had a revelation on this topic, a light switch went off in my head. I took the first steps to being the problem and the solution for myself in a healthy way. On Sunday, after an exhausting two days of Miss Garden Grove pageant work, we decided to go out to lunch for an early birthday celebration for my younger brother. Less than five minutes away from the restaurant I went into panic mode. My body was telling me I couldn’t breathe and that I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the lunch and that the only thing I could do to be okay was to get someone to drive me home right away. Herein lies the problem. Now, I was also thinking I don’t want to mess up this birthday lunch and take a parent away from it with me, but in times past those same feelings wouldn’t matter. Once I started panicking I needed to go home to be okay. This time, however, was different. We got to the parking lot of the restaurant and I was able to sit in the car for a few minutes and talk myself through this. I knew I was exhausted, I also knew that sitting and eating would probably help me more than sitting in the car for another twenty minutes to get home. I knew I had the option to leave if I really needed to and I knew that I wanted to be there. This was my solution. Addressing why I was panicking, creating a plan, and then acting it out knowing that if it didn’t work it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I truly needed to go home. It did work out, thankfully, but that’s not the point of this post. This whole episode of panic to being okay took place in maximum ten minutes. This is a huge deal for me. I didn’t rely on my parents to fix me and I didn’t jump on the feelings of running away being the only answer. I had a problem and I fixed it, ON MY OWN. I know this sounds so simple, but you guys don’t understand how huge this is for me. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do this, I can get to a point where I am living the life I want to live even with my anxiety and depression. I can take care of myself through the good and the bad.
I know that just because I had this happen once doesn’t mean I’m set for life but I’m hoping to hold on to this feeling and motivation to remind myself the next time that I may be the problem but I am also the solution and I can do anything I want to. You can do anything you want to too. I believe in me and I believe in you. We can do this.
Until next time. 💜
