I just want to start off by apologizing for my lack of new posts in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been feeling a tad bit lost (more so than normal) but just haven’t been able to figure out why. I didn’t know how to write about it so I just didn’t (so sorry!). However, now I feel like I’ve gotten a little bit of an understanding on why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling and am ready to share it with you all.
For the most part, after my start of the year slump I’ve been doing great. I began really healing from my grief instead of being stuck in the processing stage. I’ve been able to bounce back from my low dips faster than ever and I’ve felt an underlying feeling of hope. Not all days I feel hopeful, probably not even most days, but it is there underneath my emotions which is so nice to feel. As I keep progressing, though, I’ve found myself irritated, on edge, and above all scared. I can’t help but get frustrated over this because why am I feeling this way when I’m making the progress I’ve been working so hard for. My therapist and I have had a great couple of conversations about this and I’ve finally realized what’s happening. I’m lost in the fear of getting better. This sounds so crazy to me because this is what I’ve always wanted, to get back to a point where I can live the life I want. So why then, when it seems more possible than ever, am I blocking it out because “I’m scared”?
There are a few reasons this is happening. The obvious one (not at first to me at least) is that change brings fear. Whether it is a big change or a little change most human beings have some type of nerves surrounding this. Not only am I working towards some big changes, such as finding a job, being more independent, moving out (someday), these changes aren’t going to happen without some personal changes as well. I have to continue to make changes in the relationships with my emotions and the way I handle life. I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I will continue to grow and change the more I progress, which is a good thing. As welcomed as it is, though, it is honestly absolutely terrifying!
The next reason I’ve been feeling so scared about progressing is that I’m comfortable. I have become so comfortable in my therapy bubble (any Crazy Ex-girlfriend fans out there??) that the idea of not having that brings about fear. Right now my only responsibility, for the most part, is to take care of myself and build my tool kit that will help me get back in the real world. What happens, though, when I’m back in the real world? Will my tool kit still work? Will I have time to take care of myself? Will I be able to still grow these relationships with my emotions and not just push them away again the moment I get busy? I’ve grown the ability to handle my anxiety and depression a decent amount of the time lately, but that’s the only thing I’ve really had to do. It’s scary to trust that I’ll be able to handle these things along with the pressure of being a “normal human being”.
The last reason for now is something that has always been an underlying issue for me. For some reason I think that once I “get better” I won’t be able to ask for help anymore. Don’t ask me why my brain thinks this, because I honestly can’t even really explain it. There’s some part of me, though, that thinks that once I become independent then I won’t be able to ask for help no matter how big the problem is. I know this mainly comes from a lack of trust in myself that I’ll be able to handle things, but it’s still something that often adds to my fear.
So this is where I’ve been at lately, this weird mix of positive progression and crippling fear of that same progression. I’m taking things one baby step at a time but still feel a bit lost. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I would love to hear your experience and how you kept the fear from making all your decisions.
Until next time. 💜