If I’m being totally honest, October was a bit of a blur to me. I’m in disbelief that it is already November, but I love the holidays so I’m okay with it. At the beginning of October I slipped into a bit of a depression. Everything seemed hopeless. I had no purpose. I needed a better way to make money, I wasn’t where I needed to be in life, everyone was disappointed in me, I was failing to reach these invisible guidelines in my mind about how to live a “successful” life. This was the narrative running through my mind over and over again with no end in sight. After a few weeks I started to feel a little bit better. Leaving the house didn’t seem as scary. I didn’t need to lay around 24/7, but something still seemed off. I brought this up to my therapist one day saying,” I’m feeling better, but I’m still depressed because I’m not back to where I was.” Her answer? “Well, what if you’re not depressed anymore?” My immediate reaction was, “Well I have to be, because that’s the only reason that makes sense for how I’m feeling.” Then she started to explain what she meant and things started to click for me.
My therapist and I have been doing some deep and emotional work lately. Since I’ve been in a good place, we’ve been able to work through some things that were previously being blocked by my anxiety and start to figure out who I really am underneath this illness of mine. Which brings me to her explanation. What if I wasn’t depressed but instead just feeling very vulnerable due to all the work we’ve been doing and the uncertainty I’ve been feeling towards figuring out my future. As I said, the second she started explaining this to me it made sense. I was feeling the same anxiety every person in their mid 20’s feels at some point. Who am I and what do I want to do with my life? Although, thanks to my illness I think I was feeling it on a bit of a bigger scale.
This brings me to the title of this post, re-imagining my future. I often feel that there’s pressure on me to get better and get a “real job” but that I will never be at the point where I’m ready to take that jump. So my therapist and I started to break it down. What is a “real job” to me? Well, for as long as I’ve thought about my future, I always pictured myself as some boss lady working in an office Monday through Friday, 8 am- 5 pm. I didn’t really know exactly what I would be doing but I knew that I wanted to be the boss, that is what was important to me because that’s what I thought success was. Now? Not so much. As long as I’m helping people I don’t care what position I have. I just want to make a difference in the world in some way, some how. As for the M-F 40 hour work week, my therapist brought up a good point. What if I can never see myself ready for this because it’s not really what I want, but in my mind it’s the only way to be a successful adult. Huh, what if? When she said this to me I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. I was being given permission to imagine my future in a different way, but one that would still be successful. I could work from home part of the week or full time. I could find a job where I am out doing things along with working at a desk. There are a ton of options that all sound way more exciting to me, but I had just never given myself permission to look at.
This is where I’m at right now. Trying to picture what I want from my future and how I can make that happen. What does it look like? How will I find the right balance of things so that I still have time to take care of myself and my needs? What is going to make me excited to take that next jump? I feel I’ve just opened the door to this conversation so it will probably be some time before I find any answers to these questions. However, for the first time in probably ever, I don’t see my future as this scary thing I’ll never be ready for, instead I feel hopeful that I can be a “successful adult” in a way that works with who I am as a person.
Until next time. ♥