So I feel like I’ve possibly talked about this a little bit in a past post but this is so relevant to me right now that I wanted to talk about it again in it’s own post. What do I mean by situational anxiety? For me, in particular, I’m talking about when I automatically panic or get anxiety over a situation that I have panicked/had anxiety in before.
The easiest example in my life is going to the doctor. I’ve had some of my worst panic attacks trying to get myself to the doctor’s office, with multiple of those resulting in a last minute cancelled appointment. Now even two years later it doesn’t matter how good I’m doing, when it’s time to go to the doctor the anxiety monster comes out to play. This doesn’t just happen when I go to the doctor. If the last time I went to Target I was anxious I’m automatically anxious the next time I go, same for getting in a car, going to a restaurant, the list goes on and on. Half of this is that my body remembers the panic and doesn’t want to go back into that situation because who enjoys having a panic attack? (I don’t know if there’s any medical proof to this but it sounds good to me.) The other thing is that I start to remember that the last time I was in this situation I was anxious and therefore work myself up into a panic without even giving myself the chance to make it through the situation with no problem. Theoretically, I understand that every day is different and that just because I may have had anxiety in a situation previously doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. New day, new circumstances. Especially since there are times when my anxiety doesn’t even have to do with the situation but something completely different.
I bring all this up because it’s happening right now for me and I’m trying to fight through it and be okay. I am soon leaving on vacation to spend a week with family in Northern California for Thanksgiving. This has become our Thanksgiving tradition and this is a trip I’ve made many times in the past. This summer, however, my mom and I decided to road trip to NorCal to spend time with some family while she was off work. My mom had foot surgery this summer so she was unable to drive, meaning I would be the only driver for the 6-ish hour drive. Most people are probably thinking, okay that’s no big deal. It was for me, though. I don’t drive often because being in a car tends to trigger my anxiety, and when I do it’s for short periods of time with another driver ready to take the wheel if needed. So this was a big deal for me. It was a large chunk of time and I was the only option if I wanted to get there. Long story short, that drive didn’t go so well. I ended up having a panic attack two hours into the drive, and after an hour break in a random parking lot, deciding that I just couldn’t do this all on my own and we needed to go home and cancel the trip. A side note, I wasn’t letting my fear win. I put a lot of thought into the decision to turn around with help and guidance from my parents and it ended up being the right decision.
This brings me to today, though, where I am getting ready to make this same trip and am feeling anxious. Am I the only driver? No. Am I even going to be driving any of the trip? Most likely not. The anxiety monster thought is creeping in none the less. My body just remembers “failing” the last time I made this drive and can’t imagine an outcome where I make it successfully. It doesn’t seem to care about all the times I’ve done this in the past, it just remembers the one bad time. Isn’t that annoying? Even if 95% of the times went well, our brains tend to focus on the 5% that didn’t go the way we would have liked. Anyways, I’m trying really hard to stay present in the moment and put the last trip out of my mind. I’m trying to focus on all the ways this is going to be different and all the reasons and ways it will be great. I’m trying to acknowledge my anxiety and why it’s happening while at the same time telling it it’s not allowed to win. Will this work? Fingers crossed! (Although I have my Xanax packed and ready to go just in case.)
Until next time. ♥