I made it!!
This past Thanksgiving week my progress and tools were completely put to the test. My anxiety monster was very much out to play and I was ready to give up. I feel like this was an important week for me and my journey, so I’d like to take the time to tell you what all happened.
My family was scheduled to go out of town for the week of Thanksgiving, leaving the Saturday before and returning the Saturday after. As someone who hasn’t really been in the best of places lately, and doesn’t even leave the house every day, I was already nervous about just leaving in general. Then you add the fact that we are going to be in a car for 6+ hours and I would have to leave my cat in a pet hotel and I already wasn’t feeling very confident from the start. Due to the devastating California wildfires, our original plan to spend Sunday in San Francisco needed to change. We eventually decided to just stay home Saturday and then hit the road on Sunday instead. Fine by me. Sunday morning we were all packed up and ready to hit the road at a time that’s earlier than I’m ever awake.
(For reference, we had to take two different cars since we are a family of five adults). My dad, younger brother, and I got in the car and started going while my mom waited at home for my older brother. Less than ten minutes into the drive I started panicking. I had taken a Xanax before the trip so I was a little surprised that this was happening so soon and so strongly, but there it was. We pulled over into a parking lot where I collected myself and was ready to go again, but the second we started driving the panic was back. We pulled over into another parking lot and all that was running through my mind was, “I need to go home, I can’t do this.” I was convinced that I needed to go home and take a nap to be able to do this trip. After lots of tears and frustration, we ended up turning the car around to head home for a little rest and to re-evaluate.
I’m going to take a pause in my story to talk about this particular moment of panic. The thing that was so frustrating to me was that this panic was different from my usual attacks. I wasn’t having shortness of breath or any of the usual physical symptoms, instead it was all in my head and my mind was just telling me no. There was some sort of block that was keeping me from being able to keep going forward. Even more frustrating than that was that I had zero fight. My brain said,” we can’t do this” and I said, “okay”. I didn’t have my usual motivation to at least try, if not for myself than so I wouldn’t ruin the vacation for the rest of my family. Nothing mattered except getting home and taking a nap. My therapist was explaining to me that sometimes when we get into a fight or flight situation there’s actually a third option which is to freeze. We’re thinking this is what happened to me. I just kind of froze and then because I was frozen my panic was able to take the driver’s seat and convince me I was weak.
Back to my story. So we went back home and, long story short, we decided to try again on Monday, but this time we would take the motor home and a car instead of two cars. My thought was that I had successfully made this drive in the motor home last year and since there are different areas, if I started to panic I may be able to convince myself that I was leaving the situation by relocating to a different part of the motor home. I was still feeling really hesitant but I also didn’t want to ruin the trip for my whole family any more than I already had, so I was willing to try my best. Monday morning came and my younger brother woke up sick with a fever. All of a sudden the only thing that I wanted to happen the whole time was happening, the trip was cancelled, and I was mad. Now my body wanted to go. It was upset that we weren’t going and everything was ruined. Isn’t it just so fun how dramatic our brains can be? It was eventually decided that my dad and I would take the motor home up there as planned and my mom and younger brother would stay home, my older brother was already on his way up there in the car. I went back and forth on whether this was a good choice, but eventually I found my fight again and was ready to go. Fast forward to Monday night, two Xanax, an 8+ hour trip (including an hour stop in Bakersfield to get our tires changed) and lots of feeling incapable, my dad and I made it up North. I did it. The rest of the week went smoothly because I was surrounded by distractions and loved ones, but that weekend was an emotional roller coaster of an adventure.
The important thing though is that I did it. I never gave up, even when I was giving up. I kept fighting, even when it seemed like I wasn’t. I think the most important thing though is that I made myself proud. I listened to my body, I changed plans when needed and in the end I pushed through. It’s very rare that I can take a moment and be proud of what I accomplished, but this is definitely one of those moments. Especially now that I’m home surrounded by kitty cuddles.
Until next time. ♥