I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately for various reasons, but this low period has felt different than any before. I’m in what feels like a physical depression more so than a mental depression and it’s a very strange feeling. One of the things we’ve been talking about in my therapy sessions is my perfectionist and inner critic. We’ve been diving into deeper levels of my depression and anxiety and are realizing what a huge role these two things are playing in daily life. The problem is that it’s not just the perfectionist showing up or just the inner critic showing up but they’re both showing up and contradicting each other to the point where I get stuck in the middle.
The perfectionist in me sets these unrealistic goals and wants me to be perfect. This isn’t always a bad thing and can sometimes push me to be my very best but I’m also seeing that I let it be a bad thing way more then I let it be a good thing. Then on the other side of things we have my inner critic. My inner critic basically tells me that nothing I do is good enough, there is always room for improvement. This isn’t a bad thing until it stands in the way of letting me celebrate any accomplishment I have and instead makes me always view myself as a failure and not being good enough. When you put these two things together it really leaves me in an impossible place. On the one side I need to do everything perfect and on the other side nothing I do is good enough. This leads me to more often than not either beating myself up for no reason at all or just disengaging. If I can’t do it perfect and trying without succeeding is a failure, why should I even try at all? This is where my brain lands more often than not and that is a big problem.