Author: admin

Holiday shopping can be so difficult especially when the holidays seem to come out of nowhere! If you’re anything like me you enjoy giving much more than receiving, that is when you know what to get. I put together this gift guide for the person in your life who may be having a bit of a tough time (or not, I think they’re all great gifts) to hopefully help you find a little inspiration along the way! These are all things that I personally have used and enjoyed and would obviously recommend.

This post contains affiliate links for your convenience. If you make a purchase I may receive a small commission at no cost to you. You can read more about my privacy policy here.

A.W.A.R.E. Necklaces: I came across this organization and instantly fell in love. They sell necklaces that represent different causes – such as mental health, cancer, domestic abuse, AND they donate 10% of every necklace sold to charity. I have the white necklace for invisible illness, such as mental illness, and love it so much! Not only is it super cute but it helps me spread my story. You can check out their website here.

Crystals & Cacti: I won’t even lie, I’m a little biased on this one because it’s my friend’s company, but I promise you the jewelry is so great! Crystals & Cacti create hand made pieces that help cultivate healing. They are beautiful and life changing! I’m obsessed with my “Keep Me Calm” bracelet and I can’t wait to get more! These are on my personal Christmas wish list! You can check out their website here. 

Books: In my opinion, you can never go wrong with gifting a good book! I love using books as an escape from reality when things get tough. If you know an avid reader, I would highly suggest getting them a subscription to book of the month. I do this and it starts my month off right. If you want to check them out you can look here.  If you would rather gift them a physical book I have a few favorites I would recommend.
If you are looking for something in the mental health world I highly suggest Jenny Lawson’s Let’s Pretend This Never Happened or Furiously Happy.
If you are looking for a good book in general, some of my favorites are: 
The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton
The Butterfly’s Daughter by Mary Alice Monroe
In A Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware
Truly, Madly, Guilty by Liane Moriarty 
If you need more book ideas I would be more than happy to help!

Coloring Books: Sticking to the topic of books, my next gift idea is an adult coloring book. These help distract me and keep me so calm whether I sit and color for five minutes or for an hour. Some of my favorites:
You Are Here by Jenny Lawson
Disney Dreams by Thomas Kinkade
Good Vibes: Don’t Give Up
Don’t forget the coloring tools! I have these colored pencils and they are my favorite!

Candles: My friend gave me an aromatherapy candle for my birthday last year and I have found it to be so comforting. Whenever I’m feeling stressed I just go in my room light my candle, put on some soft music, and try to calm down. These can be found most places that sell candles such as Target and Bath & Body Works. 

Puzzles: On a whim my parents bought me a puzzle for Christmas last year and to say that as a family we have become obsessed would be an understatement. I love doing puzzles because it helps distract me from my mind but it also is an activity that requires my whole body to focus on the task at hand. I’ve gotten them from Target, Amazon, a ton of places! They even have puzzles you can color now which are a new level of fun in my opinion. 

Journal: Writing in my journal is one of the things that helps me the most. Whether I’m just recapping my day or angrily hashing out my feelings, I find so much relief in writing. There are tons of beautiful journals out there plus there are some that come with prompts and ideas of what to write already in them. My journal is from Eccolo and I love it!!

Mental Health Shirt: If you are shopping for someone who is struggling with mental illness you may want to check out this shirt! This shirt was just launched by Pigletish who does a podcast focusing on mental health. I’ve already put one on my Christmas list as well! 

I hope that these ideas helped lead to some inspiration on what to get your loved ones this holiday season! I hope that you are able to not let the preparations for holidays stress you out too much and have the chance to enjoy this wonderful time of year!

Until next time. 

This past Thanksgiving week my progress and tools were completely put to the test. My anxiety monster was very much out to play and I was ready to give up. I feel like this was an important week for me and my journey, so I’d like to take the time to tell you what all happened. 

My family was scheduled to go out of town for the week of Thanksgiving, leaving the Saturday before and returning the Saturday after. As someone who hasn’t really been in the best of places lately, and doesn’t even leave the house every day, I was already nervous about just leaving in general. Then you add the fact that we are going to be in a car for 6+ hours and I would have to leave my cat in a pet hotel and I already wasn’t feeling very confident from the start. Due to the devastating California wildfires, our original plan to spend Sunday in San Francisco needed to change. We eventually decided to just stay home Saturday and then hit the road on Sunday instead. Fine by me. Sunday morning we were all packed up and ready to hit the road at a time that’s earlier than I’m ever awake.
(For reference, we had to take two different cars since we are a family of five adults). My dad, younger brother, and I got in the car and started going while my mom waited at home for my older brother. Less than ten minutes into the drive I started panicking. I had taken a Xanax before the trip so I was a little surprised that this was happening so soon and so strongly, but there it was. We pulled over into a parking lot where I collected myself and was ready to go again, but the second we started driving the panic was back. We pulled over into another parking lot and all that was running through my mind was, “I need to go home, I can’t do this.” I was convinced that I needed to go home and take a nap to be able to do this trip. After lots of tears and frustration, we ended up turning the car around to head home for a little rest and to re-evaluate. 

I’m going to take a pause in my story to talk about this particular moment of panic. The thing that was so frustrating to me was that this panic was different from my usual attacks. I wasn’t having shortness of breath or any of the usual physical symptoms, instead it was all in my head and my mind was just telling me no. There was some sort of block that was keeping me from being able to keep going forward. Even more frustrating than that was that I had zero fight. My brain said,” we can’t do this” and I said, “okay”. I didn’t have my usual motivation to at least try, if not for myself than so I wouldn’t ruin the vacation for the rest of my family. Nothing mattered except getting home and taking a nap. My therapist was explaining to me that sometimes when we get into a fight or flight situation there’s actually a third option which is to freeze. We’re thinking this is what happened to me. I just kind of froze and then because I was frozen my panic was able to take the driver’s seat and convince me I was weak. 

Back to my story. So we went back home and, long story short, we decided to try again on Monday, but this time we would take the motor home and a car instead of two cars. My thought was that I had successfully made this drive in the motor home last year and since there are different areas, if I started to panic I may be able to convince myself that I was leaving the situation by relocating to a different part of the motor home. I was still feeling really hesitant but I also didn’t want to ruin the trip for my whole family any more than I already had, so I was willing to try my best. Monday morning came and my younger brother woke up sick with a fever. All of a sudden the only thing that I wanted to happen the whole time was happening, the trip was cancelled, and I was mad. Now my body wanted to go. It was upset that we weren’t going and everything was ruined. Isn’t it just so fun how dramatic our brains can be? It was eventually decided that my dad and I would take the motor home up there as planned and my mom and younger brother would stay home, my older brother was already on his way up there in the car. I went back and forth on whether this was a good choice, but eventually I found my fight again and was ready to go. Fast forward to Monday night, two Xanax, an 8+ hour trip (including an hour stop in Bakersfield to get our tires changed) and lots of feeling incapable, my dad and I made it up North. I did it. The rest of the week went smoothly because I was surrounded by distractions and loved ones, but that weekend was an emotional roller coaster of an adventure.

The important thing though is that I did it. I never gave up, even when I was giving up. I kept fighting, even when it seemed like I wasn’t. I think the most important thing though is that I made myself proud. I listened to my body, I changed plans when needed and in the end I pushed through. It’s very rare that I can take a moment and be proud of what I accomplished, but this is definitely one of those moments. Especially now that I’m home surrounded by kitty cuddles. 

Until next time. ♥

So I feel like I’ve possibly talked about this a little bit in a past post but this is so relevant to me right now that I wanted to talk about it again in it’s own post. What do I mean by situational anxiety? For me, in particular, I’m talking about when I automatically panic or get anxiety over a situation that I have panicked/had anxiety in before.

The easiest example in my life is going to the doctor. I’ve had some of my worst panic attacks trying to get myself to the doctor’s office, with multiple of those resulting in a last minute cancelled appointment. Now even two years later it doesn’t matter how good I’m doing, when it’s time to go to the doctor the anxiety monster comes out to play. This doesn’t just happen when I go to the doctor. If the last time I went to Target I was anxious I’m automatically anxious the next time I go, same for getting in a car, going to a restaurant, the list goes on and on. Half of this is that my body remembers the panic and doesn’t want to go back into that situation because who enjoys having a panic attack? (I don’t know if there’s any medical proof to this but it sounds good to me.) The other thing is that I start to remember that the last time I was in this situation I was anxious and therefore work myself up into a panic without even giving myself the chance to make it through the situation with no problem. Theoretically, I understand that every day is different and that just because I may have had anxiety in a situation previously doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again. New day, new circumstances. Especially since there are times when my anxiety doesn’t even have to do with the situation but something completely different. 

I bring all this up because it’s happening right now for me and I’m trying to fight through it and be okay. I am soon leaving on vacation to spend a week with family in Northern California for Thanksgiving. This has become our Thanksgiving tradition and this is a trip I’ve made many times in the past. This summer, however, my mom and I decided to road trip to NorCal to spend time with some family while she was off work. My mom had foot surgery this summer so she was unable to drive, meaning I would be the only driver for the 6-ish hour drive. Most people are probably thinking, okay that’s no big deal. It was for me, though. I don’t drive often because being in a car tends to trigger my anxiety, and when I do it’s for short periods of time with another driver ready to take the wheel if needed. So this was a big deal for me. It was a large chunk of time and I was the only option if I wanted to get there. Long story short, that drive didn’t go so well. I ended up having a panic attack two hours into the drive, and after an hour break in a random parking lot, deciding that I just couldn’t do this all on my own and we needed to go home and cancel the trip. A side note, I wasn’t letting my fear win. I put a lot of thought into the decision to turn around with help and guidance from my parents and it ended up being the right decision.

This brings me to today, though, where I am getting ready to make this same trip and am feeling anxious. Am I the only driver? No. Am I even going to be driving any of the trip? Most likely not. The anxiety monster thought is creeping in none the less. My body just remembers “failing” the last time I made this drive and can’t imagine an outcome where I make it successfully. It doesn’t seem to care about all the times I’ve done this in the past, it just remembers the one bad time. Isn’t that annoying? Even if 95% of the times went well,  our brains tend to focus on the 5% that didn’t go the way we would have liked. Anyways, I’m trying really hard to stay present in the moment and put the last trip out of my mind. I’m trying to focus on all the ways this is going to be different and all the reasons and ways it will be great. I’m trying to acknowledge my anxiety and why it’s happening while at the same time telling it it’s not allowed to win. Will this work? Fingers crossed! (Although I have my Xanax packed and ready to go just in case.)

Until next time. ♥

If I’m being totally honest, October was a bit of a blur to me. I’m in disbelief that it is already November, but I love the holidays so I’m okay with it. At the beginning of October I slipped into a bit of a depression. Everything seemed hopeless. I had no purpose. I needed a better way to make money, I wasn’t where I needed to be in life, everyone was disappointed in me, I was failing to reach these invisible guidelines in my mind about how to live a “successful” life. This was the narrative running through my mind over and over again with no end in sight. After a few weeks I started to feel a little bit better. Leaving the house didn’t seem as scary. I didn’t need to lay around 24/7, but something still seemed off. I brought this up to my therapist one day saying,” I’m feeling better, but I’m still depressed because I’m not back to where I was.” Her answer? “Well, what if you’re not depressed anymore?” My immediate reaction was, “Well I have to be, because that’s the only reason that makes sense for how I’m feeling.” Then she started to explain what she meant and things started to click for me. 

My therapist and I have been doing some deep and emotional work lately. Since I’ve been in a good place, we’ve been able to work through some things that were previously being blocked by my anxiety and start to figure out who I really am underneath this illness of mine. Which brings me to her explanation. What if I wasn’t depressed but instead just feeling very vulnerable due to all the work we’ve been doing and the uncertainty I’ve been feeling towards figuring out my future. As I said, the second she started explaining this to me it made sense. I was feeling the same anxiety every person in their mid 20’s feels at some point. Who am I and what do I want to do with my life? Although, thanks to my illness I think I was feeling it on a bit of a bigger scale. 

This brings me to the title of this post, re-imagining my future. I often feel that there’s pressure on me to get better and get a “real job” but that I will never be at the point where I’m ready to take that jump. So my therapist and I started to break it down. What is a “real job” to me? Well, for as long as I’ve thought about my future, I always pictured myself as some boss lady working in an office Monday through Friday, 8 am- 5 pm. I didn’t really know exactly what I would be doing but I knew that I wanted to be the boss, that is what was important to me because that’s what I thought success was. Now? Not so much. As long as I’m helping people I don’t care what position I have. I just want to make a difference in the world in some way, some how. As for the M-F 40 hour work week, my therapist brought up a good point. What if I can never see myself ready for this because it’s not really what I want, but in my mind it’s the only way to be a successful adult. Huh, what if? When she said this to me I felt this huge weight lift off my shoulders. I was being given permission to imagine my future in a different way, but one that would still be successful. I could work from home part of the week or full time. I could find a job where I am out doing things along with working at a desk. There are a ton of options that all sound way more exciting to me, but I had just never given myself permission to look at. 

This is where I’m at right now. Trying to picture what I want from my future and how I can make that happen. What does it look like? How will I find the right balance of things so that I still have time to take care of myself and my needs? What is going to make me excited to take that next jump? I feel I’ve just opened the door to this conversation so it will probably be some time before I find any answers to these questions. However, for the first time in probably ever, I don’t see my future as this scary thing I’ll never be ready for, instead I feel hopeful that I can be a “successful adult” in a way that works with who I am as a person. 

Until next time. ♥ 

I often get asked about the name of my blog and thought I would take some time to talk about why I chose it and how it inspires me. Although one would rightfully assume that my blog has something to do with dancing or dance therapy, that actually isn’t true. Although I was a dancer for half of my life, my title stands as a metaphor more than an actual act.

When I was first starting out with my therapist I had a really hard time grasping the concept that my anxiety was something I was never going to get rid of. It may get easier, it may go away for periods of time, but at the end of the day I am an anxious person and my mental illness will always be there. After my therapist found out I had been a dancer for many years she explained it in this way to help me cope better with my situation. Anxiety (and depression and panic disorder and mental illness in general) is not something you get rid of and if you just try to ignore it, it will only get worse. Instead you have to learn to dance with it through the tough times. Acknowledge that it’s there and that you’ll support it but also that you are in charge of this dance. When we work with our anxiety or emotions things become a lot more manageable. So that’s where dancing through anxiety comes from. I am actively making the choice to dance with my anxiety through the bad times and dance with happiness through the good.

So if you were ever wondering what exactly I was thinking when I picked dancing through anxiety, there you have it! In other exciting news, my blog and social media finally have their own logo which can be seen best on Facebook or Instagram. Make sure you’re following my journey on Instagram and my new Facebook page too, links to my pages can be found on the home page. While you’re at it feel free to subscribe by email if you are interested in following my blog. Thank you as always for all the love and support!

Until next time. ♥