Author: Christine Genta

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Setting Goals

Wow it seems like forever since I’ve written. I was off enjoying a wonderful vacation with my mom, visiting a bunch of different family up in Northern California. Although I got back last week, I needed some time after my vacation to collect myself and try very hard not to slip in to a depression after all the energy I spent. I’ve been doing really good lately and making a ton of progress. I’ve been leaving the house more and even started driving again after a year and a half of only being able to handle being a passenger. The thing that is hardest for me in pretty much anything I do lately is keeping momentum. I’ll be good for a few days and then will hit a rough patch and have a hard time getting back up on my feet. So to help work on getting to a place of regularity and continuous progress I’ve made some goals to help keep me on a positive path.
 
The hard thing for me is that I have so many things I want to work on and I want to fix all of them at once. One problem is that I can’t handle all of that and then I’ll fail on all of them. The other problem is that as a perfectionist I tend to set unrealistic goals and then when I don’t meet them I beat myself up over it and get discouraged. So when making my goals that I am currently working on I decided with the help of my parents to set goals that I know I can do. Then, after achieving them for a continuous time I will up the goals to continue pushing myself forward.
My current goals are:
1. Leave the house at least three days a week
2. Workout/walk at least three days a week

I had already made my goals when I found this acronym SMART. I think it is a great thing to follow when setting your goals so I’m sharing it with you all (some of you probably already have heard of it) and I also feel like my goals cover each category which make me even more confident that they are the right goals for me. I’m already leaving the house on average at least three days a week so I felt this goal is definitely achievable, my problem is that I struggle to do it on a regular basis. My plan is that once I successfully reach these goals for four weeks in a row I will then up my goal. I have a white board calendar up in my living room where I keep track of what I’ve done each day that I go out and it has been super helpful in helping me stay motivated to reach my goal. The workout goal is a new one since I’ve realized that I am in a point of gaining weight and I am not a fan of that. My energy level isn’t always great so I’m going to start with easier workouts that will involve mostly walking and basic things I can do at home. I plan to add my workouts to the calendar as well so I can have a visible motivator.

I’m hoping that using goals will help me stay in a good place, so if anyone has any advice on setting and meeting goals I would love to hear it. Let me know what worked/didn’t work and how you managed to hold yourself accountable for your goals.

Until next time. 💜 
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Acknowledging My Depression

Or for us single people insert the word friends or family for boyfriend 

Now that I’ve got my anxiety semi under wraps I’ve been focusing a lot more on my depression. This is also due to the fact that I can recognize now when I’m feeling depressed, whereas I couldn’t do that in the past. The hardest thing though is that I don’t want to focus on my depression. To focus on it is in my opinion to accept it and I have a very hard time accepting that I go through times of depression. I’m starting to realize though that I can’t just push it away when it comes or try to ignore it, because then it is just going to become bigger and want more attention. Just like when learning how to deal with my anxiety, I had discovered I had to create a relationship with my anxiety instead of just getting rid of it, I need to do the same thing for my depression.

To me though this is so much more difficult. With anxiety the worst that would happen is that I would have a panic attack or need to leave a situation. None of my favorite things, but all manageable for the most part. Depression is different. Depression is dark and terrifying and not a place I want to be. It fills my head with lies and tells me I’m worthless. I don’t want to acknowledge it but I have to acknowledge it to build a relationship with it. How do you build a relationship with something you don’t want in your life? It’s not fun and it’s tough. I’m still learning how to do it. How to listen to my depression and give it the attention it needs without letting it take over my life. I struggle with this especially when I’m feeling depressed. It’s so easy to get trapped and not want to fight to get through. My depression also takes so many different shapes and forms that it’s not a one-step solution. What may work one time won’t work the next and that in itself is exhausting. This is what I’m trying to work on right now, especially because I haven’t really been feeling depressed lately. I’m trying to acknowledge those thoughts, even the ones that are lies, and give them the attention they want but then put them to rest. I’m trying to communicate with my depression that I won’t kick it to the curb and leave it to fend for itself, but I also won’t let it take control of my mind and life. Like I said, creating a relationship with something you don’t want is extremely difficult, but I’m quickly learning how important it is to have these relationships with all my emotions to help me survive and be the person I want to be.

If anyone has any advice, stories, or wants to commiserate/talk, pretty much anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Depression is scary but as much as your brain is telling you you’re alone, trust me you’re not. I’m here for you and you are worth something. 

Until next time. 💜
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Always A Burden

Having depression and anxiety is hard and it sucks. There are obvious reasons why mental illness is no fun, but one of the hardest things for me right now on my journey in fighting this is how selfish I have to be. I have to work on myself; because, whether I like it or not, I am the only one who can fight the monster that often takes residence in my head. I have to spend my days working on myself and checking in with myself to make sure I’m okay. Not only do I not get to do a majority of the stuff I want to do because my body has other plans, but I also don’t really get to be the person I want to be.

I used to pride myself on the kind of person I was, whether it was in the role of daughter, sister, friend, mentor, or so on. A relationship is two sided, full of give and take, where both people benefit. At this point in time, I feel like I’m failing at that. I feel like I’m a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel like I just take and don’t have anything to give. It’s hard to have to be selfish. I don’t want to, but it’s the only way I’ll survive right now. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone around me because I don’t have much to contribute as I’m busy taking care of myself. I feel like these selfish ways project an image of not having time for my family and friends. I feel that I project this person that people can only talk to if they are asking how I am doing. I know most of this is made up in my mind but it is still how I feel. I still want to be a great friend and no matter how hard I may be struggling I still will always be there for the people in my life. Maybe it’s not as constant or as well as before but I still want to be there for my people, especially those that have so generously dealt with me during this hard time.

Since my world has to completely revolve around me right now, I feel like the immediate people around me have to focus on me too and therefore I feel like I’m always a burden, especially to my parents. Now I know that most of that is made up in my mind; because, although my parents will do anything for me, they are still living their own lives. It’s just hard. It’s hard to have to feel so dependent and to always need help. I hate that my parents always have to check in with me before they do something and that there are times they won’t leave me because I’m having a hard time. I am forever grateful for this but I also feel incredibly guilty for it. I hate feeling like a burden, but I don’t know how to convince myself that the people that are still in my life and by my side through all this don’t see me as a burden and still want me in their lives.

Like I’ve said nothing has been done to make me feel like other people think I’m a burden but I still can’t shake that feeling. If anyone has any advice on how to get over this feeling I would love to hear it. For now I’ll start with having these quotes on repeat. 

Until next time. 💜
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Surviving Fresno

From June 23rd to July 2nd I found myself in downtown Fresno for ten days of Miss California. It has honestly taken me this long to recover, and when I look back on that time my first thought is, “Wow! I survived,” usually followed by, “How in the world did I do that?” Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and I am so glad I went, but I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. I thought I would share with you all what it was like for me to be there and how I survived the ups and the downs. 
When my mom and I arrived in Fresno on Friday, it was a lovely 109 degrees out and I immediately wondered what I got myself into. I knew it was going to be hot, but thinking about it being hot and then actually walking into this heat even for just five minutes is a completely different story. Shortly after we arrived in Fresno, we went on a trip to the local Target and this is the first obstacle I faced. We went to Target before we had the chance to unpack so I was still in my driving clothes, which was leggings and a tank top. I thought I would be fine since I would only be out in the heat to walk from the air conditioned hotel to the air conditioned car to the air conditioned store and back but I was wrong. Within five minutes of the drive to Target (which was about ten minutes away) I was convinced I was going to pass out and felt like I was melting. I was so overheated, light headed, and was regretting ever leaving the comfort of the hotel. I quickly spiraled into panic mode and if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t just me and my mom, I would have audibly been begging for the car to turn around.  With a flushed face and panic filled eyes, I looked at my mom in the backseat and told her I couldn’t do this. We devised a plan that we would drop the others off at Target, then my best friend would drive my mom and me back to the hotel and go back and pick them up.  If you know me you know how immediately guilty I was at the thought of this. My mind and body were telling me that I needed to get out of there but my conscience was telling me to suck it up and not be a burden on everyone. I quickly started assessing the situation and figured out a way to possibly make it through this, so that by the time we got to Target I was willing to give it a try. I thought that I just needed to step in to the AC and all my problems would be fixed. My willingness to fix things helped me make an even better plan where I immediately bought an ice water from Starbucks (luckily located in Target) and then went and found shorts to buy in the store and put them on. I was already feeling ten times better and managed to make it through the entire trip. Feeling proud of myself, I was ready to conquer 10 days in Fresno and thought that the worst would be behind me.
 Then I woke up on Saturday.
Saturday morning was filled with tears, panic, and wanting to run away. I was already exhausted and had no idea how I was going to survive. I wanted to leave right away and just go home but I also knew I made a commitment. What part of me would win? My mom and I agreed that we would stick it out the rest of the day to help out, see how I felt and that if I still truly believed that the best option was to leave we would go. I thankfully ended up making it through Saturday and Sunday with little issue, but was still pretty on edge from time to time. I originally had cancelled my therapy session for the time I was in Fresno since I knew I would be busy, but after my Saturday morning I knew my chances of making it through would be so much better if I could have a session. Luckily for me my session was still open, so Monday afternoon I found myself laying all my fears out for my therapist.
I feel the need to mention that I wanted to be in Fresno the whole time. No one was forcing me to stay and I could have left at any moment, but I really didn’t want to do that. Throughout the panic I was having a lot of fun and really enjoyed being there. That’s why I’m so thankful I got to talk to my therapist and have her help me put things into perspective. She reminded me how important it was for me to rest before I felt at zero energy and that it is completely okay to need to take care of my body. I honestly don’t know if I would have made it throughout the week without talking to her, because she helped me minimize my feelings of guilt and regret and instead focus on the positive. The rest of the time went rather smoothly. I had moments of panic but was able to rest and address them as needed. I ended up skipping a show and a half of prelims, which I hated, but I’m glad I did because it helped me make it through everything else with little issue.
On the positive side of things I got to jump into volunteer mode, which is a place of comfort for me. I got to use my tech skills to help make hundreds of badges, help sell tickets and work the door for the events. I got to see the importance of volunteers in making Miss California such a successful scholarship program, along with getting to meet many of these wonderful people. At a time when I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been contributing to society I’m especially grateful to have had this opportunity.  Volunteering holds a special place in my heart and I’m so glad I was able to address and face my fears and successfully make it through the experience.
 

All in all I would definitely put Fresno in the success column. I was able to cheer on one of my longest friends as she took the Miss California stage for the last time, along with a ton of other people whom I love. I got to see someone who is like a little sister to me take the stage for the last time as she passed on her title as Miss California’s Outstanding Teen. I got to meet Miss America, who is just the sweetest. I got to spend ten days with my best friend and our moms. I got to give back to an organization that has given me so much and helped shaped me into who I am today. Most importantly, I got a chance to prove to myself that I can still be the person that I want and still do the things I want. I just may need to take a nap along the way. 

Until next time. 💜
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I’m Stuck

Wow it has been a long time since I’ve written a post and I have really missed it these past couple of weeks! I have so much to share with you all especially about how I survived Miss California week but I’m just not ready. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling right now and I told you I would share the good and the bad with you so here’s a glimpse into the bad.

I feel pretty stuck right now. I’m struggling to see my worth. I’m struggling to convince myself I’m not pointless. I’m struggling to believe this is something I’ll really learn to live with. I’m struggling to understand how I will ever manage to live the life I want to live. I’m struggling to see how I will ever again be the independent strong person I used to be. Im struggling to see how I will ever be a role model. I’m struggling to see how I’m not just wasting my life away and everyone else’s time that has to deal with me. I feel it’s important to note that I am not suicidal but I’m still struggling. Depression is real. I know depression lies but I don’t know how to convince myself of that when every piece of my brain is pointing to the negative. Every one of my thoughts lead to the bad. I’m just stuck. There’s a part of me that knows I will get through this but that part is small right now and I’m struggling to increase its size. I’m also struggling to think of a different word for struggle but whatever this isn’t a school paper. 

I don’t want to need help but I think I need some help. Not professional help because I have my therapist and my doctor and my medicine so I got that stuff covered. Some help from the people in my life whether we’re strangers or best friends. I think I could use a little extra love, encouragement, advice, cute cat pictures, whatever you feel like sending my way right now. I really hate having to ask this, I hate not being okay on my own, but like I said I’m stuck. I promise to return the favor whenever you need it.  

Until next time 💜
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I Have A Mental Illness

I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you’ve read any of my other blog posts you’re probably thinking something along the lines of “are you really just figuring this out?”. Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I’ve never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn’t a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn’t right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all.
Previous times when I’ve been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal to me. I didn’t even realize I was depressed because I couldn’t feel anything except negativity. There was nothing positive going on in my mind, nothing reminding me hey this is just an illness. Last week though, for the first time, when those negative thoughts started coming I was able to realize why they were there. I was able to realize that they were appearing because I was sick and my defenses were down and since I was able to realize that they were not the thoughts I wanted to be having I felt mentally ill. From  learning more about myself and how I handle different situations I am gaining a better understanding of what thoughts are mine and what thoughts come from my illness. This all comes from learning more about myself and gaining trust in myself. Trusting that these thoughts are temporary because I’m sick and that I don’t truly believe I’m useless. This was why I was able to feel not only physically sick but mentally sick, because I finally have the healthy version to compare myself too.
This was a revelation to me and just a further reminder that our mind and bodies are way more connected than we realize. It’s not enough to only work on my mental health or my physical health. Just like when I was mentally weak I became physically weak, I need to work on becoming mentally AND physically strong. It’s all connected and I’m learning that I need to take steps forward in both these areas and not just one or the other. I’m trying to figure out a daily schedule that will help me take positive steps forward in both areas while challenging myself but not to the point of failure. In all honestly it is EXTREMELY difficult. It takes more energy than I’m used to giving and more trust in myself than I think I have but I’m re-realizing how important it is to help me continue moving forward in my fight against this illness.

Any advice on how to handle working on everything at once would be greatly appreciated. Also has anyone else ever actually felt mentally ill? I would love to hear your thoughts! 

Until next time. 💜
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Not Again

So this past week, well starting Wednesday, I found myself sick once again or still. Honestly I don’t even know anymore, all I know is that I was weak, felt bad, and spent most of my days sleeping. When I get sick my anxiety tends to come out to play and it usually likes to bring it’s friend depression. I will sit there and throw myself a pity party about why am I sick again? Why can’t I just have one thing go my way? Blah, blah, blah. I’m not the funnest person to be around, but at the same time I’m realizing that this is a time to re-set my motivation for when I am healthy again to help prove to myself that I am stronger than I think. I keep a quote journal for when times get tough that I can read through and have little reminders that where I’m at is temporary and I can get through this. When I’m in a really bad place I’ll even have someone else read the quotes to me because I tend to not believe anything I tell myself and it has actually been really helpful. Since I’m still feeling under the weather I don’t have the energy to write a whole blog post so I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes with you all as a reminder that whatever you may be going through at this moment you will get through it.

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.”


“I can muster up a little more hope and courage from deep inside me.”

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

“You are NOT a mess, you are brave for trying.”

 

“Celebrate every accomplishment no matter how small.”

“Anxiety is one little tree in your forest. Step back and look at the whole forest instead.”

“You may have to fight a battle more than once.”

“Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can. Don’t give up.”

If you have any quotes that you would like to share I would love to hear them! I am always looking to expand my quote journals.
Giveaway time!Thank you to those who entered and congratulations to Cariena Birchard! You won a custom quote journal of your own full of some of my favorites. Please reach out to me so we can discuss how to get it to you. 😊

Until next time. 💜
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An Open Thank You Letter

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! I’m feeling especially thankful today and wanted to share that feeling with you all. This post is an open thank you letter to everyone I have come across in life whether it be now or in the future, I just wanted to remind you all how grateful I am for your support.

I wanted to start by piggy backing off of my last post and take a moment to thank the immediate people in my life. Thank you for always being understanding if I have to cancel. Thank you for still inviting me the next time even if I cancelled the previous time. Thanks for never giving up on me and supporting me while I’m more sensitive. Thank you for not judging me when I need to stay home because I’m not up for something. Thank you for always checking up on me. Thank you for still being there for me at this time that I can’t always be there for you in the way I would like. Most importantly, thank you for treating me the same and allowing me the comfort of knowing I can be completely honest with you all about what’s going on in my life without having to be fearful that it will change our relationship.
Moving on to the people who have reached out to me since I’ve started this blog. When I started this blog I was super hesitant about sharing my story and unsure if it would even help me at all, but for some reason I felt very  compelled to do it so I took that leap of faith. I figured only my family would read it and that was fine because I was mainly doing it for myself, but I always thought that if I got to connect with at least one other person it would be an added bonus. What I didn’t expect was the outpouring of love and support I have received. People I haven’t talked to in years, people I don’t even know, and people who I’ve always looked up to have reached out to me and expressed their gratitude and support for my blog. I can’t even put into words how much this means to me and how thankful I am for you all. Your words keep me going. Just knowing that I can inspire and connect with people whether they are my age or older than me; whether they are going through what I’m going through or just reading my blog; I truly never expected this. Starting this blog I was at a point where I felt like I had no purpose and I’m realizing at this point in time my purpose is to share my story. I love connecting with others and knowing that we can all help each other and make a difference even in the smallest ways. I’ve learned and am still learning so much from so many people and the fact that I can be that kind of a person to others is sometimes hard to believe, but something I am so incredibly thankful for.
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart for supporting me, loving me, and sharing this journey with me. I want to do something in return to express my thanks to you all; so for everyone who reads my blog, if you comment on this blog post or my Facebook post sharing this blog post you will be entered to win a surprise gift. It can be something as simple as “done” or “entered” or whatever you feel like. I will choose a winner (I will be using an app that will randomly pick someone from all the entries) on Wednesday and announce it in my next blog post. I hope you all realize just how much you mean to me.

Until next time. 💜
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I Want To, But I Can’t

Over the past year I have come to strongly dislike the word want. The hardest thing for me is when people ask me if I want to do something because almost 100% of the time the answer is yes. The problem is that my body doesn’t always agree. Do I want to go out to a nice dinner? Absolutely. Do I think I can? I’ll let you know. What makes it worse is that I’ll be having a really good day so I’ll make plans thinking that I’ll still be okay in let’s say three days, but then that day comes and I just can’t do it. Then I have to cancel, which I hate, and somehow explain that it’s not that I don’t wantto I just can’t make it work physically and mentally.

In learning how to trust myself more and listen to what my body is telling me this concept of being able to do something has taken a new turn. Now, sometimes I assess a situation and can tell that it will not have a positive result for me even if it’s something I really want to do. This almost is even worse because my body isn’t yet telling me it can’t do it, it’s instead telling me that if I go through with this plan nothing good will come from it. This was the case for me this past weekend when a bunch of my family was together celebrating my cousin’s college graduation. On Sunday the plan was everyone would go to Disneyland. Now I LOVE Disneyland and I love spending time with my family even more, so I had been planning on going for months. Since I had managed to survive Disneyland in November and where I’m at mentally today is 10x better than where I was back then I figured that saying yes in advance was going to be okay. I had talked to my therapist about going and we made plans on how I would manage. As of Monday, I was feeling ready to conquer this adventure and have a fun day with my family. Then the actual weekend came and it was a lot more draining for me physically and emotionally than I thought it would be and so Saturday night I was faced with this want/can dilemma. Did I want to go to Disneyland? 100% Could I do it? Probably. Should I do it? No. This was the hardest part because I was looking at what the day would be like (hot temperature, large crowds, and physically demanding) and realizing that although mentally I think I could have handled it there is no way my body would have survived and I most likely would have ended up getting physically sick if I decided to go. All I wanted to do was go but it wasn’t about what I wanted to do. The real question to look at was did I want to put myself through what was going to be a stressful day that would most likely have a negative effect on my body just because I didn’t want to miss out on the fun? Well honestly it took me a long time to change my answer to that question from yes to no. Ultimately though I decided to trust what my body was telling me and stay home.

I’ve always thought that when I got a better grip on my anxiety I would be able to jump back into things and do whatever I wanted to do again but that was unrealistic thinking. I’m learning that I have to take baby steps of progress physically as well as mentally to eventually get back to the person I want to be. Quite honestly it can sometimes be really annoying because it means I have to miss out on things I want to do in order to help myself stay moving forward in a positive way. Instead of what I can and can’t do, I’m starting to enter what I should or shouldn’t do which means I really have to trust myself and what my body is telling me, which is hard and a whole other blog post. For now I guess I’ll just keep pushing myself in ways I feel will benefit me in the long run and hope for the best. 

I want to leave you all with this quote that doesn’t really have anything to do with this post, but I just love it and wanted to share it with you all. 



Until next time. 💜
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My Unstable Relationship With Sleep

If we have ever had a conversation in person you have probably heard me talk about my sleeping hours, most likely saying something along the line of “I just want to sleep normal human hours”. Unfortunately my relationship with sleep is nothing close to normal. 


When trying to describe my problem sleeping to people I often drift towards the word insomnia but that honestly isn’t the case. I can sleep, I could be a professional sleeper, that’s just not the problem. The problem is the hours I spend sleeping and the quality of my sleep. I normally end up sleeping from about 3 am to 8 or 9 am and then fall back asleep around 10 or 11 am and wake up again anywhere between 1 and 4 pm. I often waste my day sleeping and I hate it. I dread night time when everyone else goes to bed because I know I will be laying there wide awake for hours fighting sleep. Even worse is when I am tired and then the second I lay down in bed I am suddenly wide awake. I also sometimes will randomly become terrified with sleeping and the idea of being asleep. I blame most of this on my “drug dreams” as my mom would call them. One of the wonderful side effects I experience from being on Lexapro is extremely realistic dreams that are more often than not unpleasant. I have watched my brother be shot dead, I have been in a war zone, and I have had to walk the streets with a gun in my hand to make sure I stay alive and every single one of these situations feels so REAL. Who would want to go to sleep when the possibility of that is on the table? It’s not even just the bad ones that haunt me but the good ones can too, because at this point I sometimes can’t tell what is real and what I’ve dreamt. I often will reference a conversation or someone being at the house just to find out I dreamt it.  I’ve even dreamt a memory from my childhood that never happened. Sleeping messes with my reality and I dread it. Before bed every night I sit there wondering what will happen and if I’ll be able to handle the dream thrown my way. This is something that I am working on with my therapist but it still sucks. I can’t avoid sleep but my brain sure tries, and then when I lay awake all night I sleep all day and then the day is wasted.

The other thing that goes against me is that when I do sleep I am not getting restful sleep. I have one of those fit bands that tracks my sleep and according to the way that tracks sleep it’s been said that your deep sleep should equal about 45% of your total sleep since the bracelet can’t account for the difference between deep sleep and REM sleep. I average at least eight hours of sleep, usually it’s nine or more hours, and according to this fit band I average less than an hour of deep sleep. So am I sleeping? Yes. Is my sleep restful? Not at all. I blame this on my dreams again but honestly what do I know. I also sometimes get anxious in my sleep which is the worst. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I’ll wake up in a full on panic. I’m just learning to control my anxiety when I’m awake but I can’t fight it when I’m asleep which just adds another factor to my dreading sleeping.
I’ve tried a few different things but none seem to work out for the long term. I try to wake up early and stay awake but I eventually get so tired that I feel physically sick unless I sleep and then any progress I made is gone. I try reading before bed to tire my eyes out but then I just get too wrapped up in my book and stay awake for hours. It’s getting to the point where I am desperate to fix this but I’m at a loss for how to do that.

If anyone has anything that they’ve had work to help them fall asleep easier I would love to hear them. I will take anything that you think could possibly help me work towards fixing this problem and getting to sleep normal human hours again. 

Until next time. 💜