Author: Christine Genta

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Regaining My Independence

I’ve been doing good lately, like really good. Almost surprising myself with the things that I can do today that I couldn’t even manage just a few short months ago. Though while recognizing my new found abilities I also became aware of a new problem and the next step to work on. My independence. I am great at getting through a difficult moment or panic situation when I’m with my parents. I honestly feel like I can conquer just about anything thrown my way with them by my side. The funny thing, though, is even when I’m with them and start to panic the main thing I use them for is a familiar face and to have someone else be aware that I’m having a tough moment. Other than that, the actual conquering of said panic/difficult situation I do by myself.


So why can’t I do it by myself without them around? The thought of adventuring out on my own even if I’m just going to the grocery store is quite terrifying to me. Who would be there for me if something really terrible happened? Has something really terrible happened to me in regards to my anxiety lately? Not at all, but without my backup plan it’s hard for me to understand how I could survive a situation by myself. Now you may be thinking why not have a backup plan for when you are by yourself and not only when you’re with your parents or someone else you know? Well yeah, you’re probably right and I know that’s what I should do, but honestly I don’t know how. I feel so guilty when I have to ask people for help, my parents included, that the idea of being in a situation where I would possibly have to ask a stranger for help or wait until someone I know can get to me doesn’t really sound appealing.  The problem is I don’t trust myself to ask for help if I really needed it or trust myself to get through it on my own even though that’s what I almost always do; AND this is assuming I panic, because in my mind I never could just make it through a situation with no problem. On top of this, the main problem I’ve come to realize with the help of my therapist is that my fear of gaining independence stems from the fear of not being able to ask for help anymore. I feel that once I start to be okay that takes away my ability to ask for help and others’ willingness to help me. Where does the world say that you can only ask for help when you are in a crippling state? It doesn’t and I am trying really hard to convince myself that it is okay to be independent and still ask for help when I need it. Another issue I have with being independent is that I struggle to fully trust myself. I have so many tools that have proven to get me through a tough time so why can’t I believe in myself enough to use these tools by myself if I needed them? I hope that in gaining back some independence I’ll be able to gain back the trust that I can take care of myself.
For example, on Monday my parents, brother, and I went to Ontario for a hockey game spur of the moment. Traffic plus a pounding headache and I was ready to go home before we even got there, but I was with my parents so I was able to survive. Now last night I really wanted to go to an Anaheim Ducks watch party with my friends that I haven’t seen in forever and I miss so much, but since my parents wouldn’t be there I didn’t think I could get through it. I would love to sit here and tell you that I made it through by myself but I didn’t. My mom was kind enough to go with me and sit at an outdoor watch party for a team that isn’t her own. I learned an important lesson. I don’t need my parents to be okay. I’m lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. The amount of support they give me is incredible and I don’t even know how to express just how grateful I am for them. I knew that if I had a bad moment any one of them would have helped me get through it. It was a nice reassurance to know that as much as my brain likes to tell me I’m alone and I can’t survive without my parents this is not the case. Whether I’m by myself, with my friends, or with my parents I am strong and I am capable. I can’t wait to grow my independence going forward and learn to trust myself all over again.

This is where my current focus is, regaining my independence. Now the only reason I’m willing to work on this is because  I feel ready and I want to do this, no one is pressuring me and I don’t believe that it is pushing myself more than is smart at this time. This is a step that I’ve never felt ready for before this past week and it’s a step my therapist also feels is time to take so we made a plan. In my mind regaining my independence is something that has to be done all at once which is why it seems so terrifying, but my therapist helped me realize that it should be a process involving many steps. So step one is to spend at least an hour out of the house without my parents two days this week. This could be going on a walk, going to a coffee shop to read, or grabbing coffee/lunch/dinner with friends. My therapist helped me realize that I don’t need to take a giant step to be making progress and I don’t even need to be completely alone to regain my independence. Honestly without hearing this from her I can guarantee you it would be a long time before I would be willing to try this, but after our conversation I’m so excited to work on being there for myself again.



If anyone has any advice on steps to take to work on trusting oneself and taking steps towards a more independent lifestyle I would love to hear them! Also if anyone ever wants to grab coffee I would love for some of my outings to be with with the amazing people in my life.

Until next time. 💜 
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Therapy Is A Good Thing

Today I’m feeling uninspired. I have so many different topics and things I want to write about but none of them feel ready to put out into the universe. After sitting and  thinking and procrastinating I finally decided that I want to spend this post talking about therapy or, probably more appropriately, I should say ranting about therapy.
We live in a society where therapy is viewed as a negative. There are so many moments where you read or hear about some alternative to therapy that’s better because it’s “cheaper than therapy” and also includes the benefit of not having to admit you have a therapist. That may be true. Therapy isn’t cheap, running or going to the beach or talking to friends is 100% cheaper but it’s not the same. In my mind therapy is irreplaceable. There’s something so freeing about being able to ramble your truest thoughts and have someone help you work through them. I don’t have to worry about not making sense, I don’t have to worry about how my words are going to make someone feel, and I don’t have to worry about not knowing what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. I just have to talk, which is quite easy for me. I think everyone would benefit from therapy. Even on my worst days I look forward to sitting down and talking to my therapist, I always leave our sessions feeling more high spirited and ready to conquer the obstacles my life brings. Therapy wasn’t always like this for me though. It took time and it took finding the right therapist to get to the point where I appreciate it and am no longer ashamed. I remember when I first started going to therapy I only told a few people what I was actually doing and to everyone else I would always say I have an appointment or I have plans. Thanks society. I’ve come to realize, though, why should I be ashamed of something that benefits me so tremendously and helps me be able to live a life that consists of what I actually want to do? I shouldn’t and so now I’m not. I will gladly talk about how I go to therapy and how much it has helped change my life for the better. My therapist helps me make sense of so many things. She helps me take my irrational thoughts and acknowledge them and work through them instead of judging me for being irrational. Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing people in my life who I know I can talk to about these things, but who wants to always listen to the whirlwind of thoughts in my brain? I mean there are days I don’t even enjoy it. That’s why I’m thankful for my therapist. She feels like a friend to me. We laugh, we tear up, we commiserate, and we heal.
If you’re looking for a therapist I think it’s important that you find one you are completely comfortable with. My current therapist is actually the second therapist I’ve seen. At the time my previous therapist was helpful but in the end she just couldn’t provide the help I needed and that’s okay. It’s important that you find the best fit for you so that you can benefit as much as possible from your therapist.

I highly encourage anyone who has been thinking about therapy to take that leap and give it a shot, I have a feeling you won’t regret it. If you want to ever talk about therapy whether you are in it, want to give it a try, or are even just curious as to what it’s like please feel free to reach out. 

Until next time. 💜
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25 Fun Facts About Me

So these past few days (which has felt like forever) I’ve been stuck with some kind of stomach bug which has led me to do nothing but sleep and rest. Since I was already feeling kind of down and out of it I honestly just wasn’t in the mood to dig into my feelings and write a post about them. Instead I thought I would do something different and share 25 fun facts with you all about myself. I tried to be positive with my facts but let me tell you, it was really hard for me to find 25 wholly positive things I wanted to share so I did the best I can. After a while it became easier and eventually I really enjoyed doing it and hope that I can use this to continue viewing myself in a more positive light. 
1. I am obsessed with my cat and think she is the cutest thing in the world. Our favorite game is hide and seek. 


2. My eyes change colors depending on the weather, my mood, what I’m wearing etc. They can be yellow, grey, and really green. They have often been compared to cats eyes which may add to why I’m a cat person.
3. I technically went to three colleges. I went to Fullerton Community College for a semester and it wasn’t the right fit, so I transferred to Orange Coast College where I went for two years until I transferred to Chapman University where I completed my degree.
4. When I was younger my dream job was to be a dolphin trainer because I am mildly obsessed with dolphins. Once at SeaWorld I got to feed and pet dolphins during a special interaction and it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
5. My favorite color is magenta because my last name is Genta.
6. I am a huge book nerd. I’m on average reading at least one book about every 3-4 days and am often reading two at once. My favorite books are currently anything written by Kate Morton.
7.  My first car was a 1988 blue Toyota pickup truck that got stolen from my high school parking lot during school and was found about two weeks later. I now drive a Kia Spectra that I love!
8. My favorite show of all time is Parenthood. I’ve never watched a show that felt so real and I could watch it over and over again (which I do).
9. I’ve never broken a bone but I have had surgery twice – once for my kidney and the second for when I tore my Achille’s in three places.


10. I don’t like beer or wine, my alcoholic drink of choice is whiskey and coke which is also my mom’s. I was at a formal that had a bar and I didn’t know what to order so I just said jack and coke because I knew that my mom drank it and ended up enjoying it. My mom drinks it because her mom drank it so it runs in the family. Also, champagne. I love champagne.
11. I was a dancer for 12 years of my life and still choreograph in my mind to most songs I hear. My dance team helped me go from a shy young girl to a confident young woman. So many great memories were created during my time as a dancer.


12. I really enjoy photography and a couple summers ago had a picture I took showcased at the Orange County Fair. It was a picture of dolphins, of course.
13. I have naturally curly hair but refused to wear it curly until after I graduated high school and became too lazy to straighten it every day. I didn’t learn how to curl my hair until I moved out my senior year of college and didn’t have my mom around to help.
14. Justin Bieber follows me on Twitter. I don’t know when it happened and I don’t know why it happened but it’s true. I also don’t know if this is something to be proud of or ashamed of LOL. Also something I’m much more proud of is that while I was in Santa Cruz JENNY LAWSON followed me on twitter. Her follow is something I will happily and repeatedly advertise.
15. I am extremely self-conscious of my feet but have learned to embrace them because if someone is judging me based solely on my feet then I don’t need them in my life.
16. I am a HUGE hockey fan especially of the Anaheim Ducks but everyone else in my family roots for the LA Kings. Luckily a group of my best friends are also Ducks fans so I don’t have to cheer on my team alone.
17. In my dreams I end up married to a hockey player; in reality I’ll settle for a fan of hockey, extra points if he’s a Ducks fan.
18. I love Disneyland and had a pass for at least 8 years. I didn’t renew when my anxiety got really bad ): but I plan on renewing it as soon I am able to conquer Disneyland again, well that and when I have money again.


19. The only time I have ever been to Dodger stadium was to watch an outdoor hockey game. It was a fun experience to have with my dad and my older brother, plus the Ducks beat the Kings!
20. I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to make-up so I’ve learned to be very comfortable with a make-up free face.
21. I think I’m a very hilarious person but I’m pretty sure people are laughing at me and not with me. Either way I still think I’m hilarious.
22. I should never be allowed to go to Target unsupervised or with my mom. We are terrible influences on each other when it comes to shopping. We can convince each other everything is needed. Actually not just Target, pretty much any place involving clothes, shoes, and purses.
23. I once held a sloth. Surprisingly it was at the Long Beach Grand Prix and I was wearing a tank top so it’s claw was digging into my back the entire time, but honestly it was worth it because now I can tell people I’ve held a sloth. On the note of animals I’ve also petted a bobcat when I was younger because my dad’s friend had two of them as pets out in the desert. 


24. My favorite food would have to be potatoes made pretty much any way besides scalloped. I don’t know why but I just can’t support scalloped potatoes.

25. I helped choreograph and participated in a flash mob for a Sport’s Authority grand opening. It was awkward and fun all at the same time.

I hope you enjoyed getting to know these random little things about me. I would love it if you commented on this post with some fun facts of your own so I can get to know you better! 

Until next time. 💜 
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Greetings From Santa Cruz

I am writing this post from beautiful Santa Cruz and although it’s been cold and rainy I’ve been having a great time and more importantly I MADE IT! This trip has been fun and relaxing for me but it also has helped me so much in learning what I am capable of and really testing me on my ability to listen to my body and put my needs first when necessary. I thought I would recount my vacation so far for you all and explain how I’ve managed to make it through (not always but mostly) a variety of situations with little to no anxiety.
Friday: The drive. This was easily the part of the trip I was most hesitant about. I had more nerves concerning a six hour drive than spending a week away from home so I had tons of preparations in place and different plans for how to make it through this drive with minimal anxiety. The morning of the drive I was considering taking a Xanax because I just couldn’t see how I was going to be okay. I don’t like taking Xanax unless I need it and I was feeling fine but I was completely doubtful of myself and my tools. I finally decided not to take the Xanax and save it for in case I started feeling really bad, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to make it through the drive with complete ease, even when there was traffic. I know that if I had taken the Xanax I would have believed in myself less and that probably would have changed the way the rest of the trip went, so I’m glad I talked myself into believing I’m stronger than I think.
Saturday: Saturday was a day my parents and I both decided to not really plan anything for with the assumption that I would be exhausted and not really feeling adventurous after conquering the drive, especially since we didn’t know how it would go. However after sleeping normal hours (for the first time in months) I was up and feeling great. We went to lunch on the pier and then shopping in downtown. Although I had a moment of feeling bad at lunch I was able to distinguish and convince myself that I was just hungry and that I wasn’t panicking and was able to make it through the rest of the afternoon with ease.
If you go to Santa Cruz you have to visit the Sock Shop and the book store!
Sunday: Sunday was definitely the most difficult day for me and truly put me to the test. I feel like I failed but I’m trying to talk myself out of that. I really wanted to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium before my parents left to go off on their own for a few days, but this was also the best day for us to have dinner with my family in San Jose. Both things I really wanted to do and both things fit in best on Sunday. Since I had been feeling great and I decided to be ambitious and believe I could handle both of these adventures in one day. I have to admit that things did not go as planned. We woke up and headed to the aquarium in the morning and I was able to manage that pretty well. I distracted myself by taking pictures and I really enjoyed the exhibits but when I reached my limit of being surrounded by people pushing and shoving I needed to get out of there immediately before I spiraled into problem mode. We left early enough that I figured we would stop by the house in Santa Cruz, change and rest for a little bit, and then head on our way to San Jose. However, on the way home from the aquarium there was a car crash on a one lane road and we were stuck. Miles and miles, or so it seemed, of stop and go traffic. Now after all my driving adventures I should have been able to handle this, but after using all my energy dealing with people at the aquarium I was struggling. I tried to sleep but couldn’t relax enough to get any rest and I just started to feel miserable. 

When we got home I needed to sleep, I could fit in about a half hour nap before we needed to go and that sounded perfect to me. However, after thirty minutes my parents woke me up and I was a mess. I was exhausted, my body hurt, and I felt completely sick. I didn’t realize how much energy I had used up the past few days but it all decided to hit me in this moment and I hated it. I kept asking my parents to give me a few more minutes and then I would be up and ready to go. This didn’t happen. I just felt worse. The hardest thing for me is that all I wanted to do was go visit my family in San Jose but my body was telling me no no no. After crying and not wanting to make a decision we decided that I was in no position to travel or really do anything besides lay in bed. I knew this was the right choice but I was so upset about it. I felt insanely guilty and continued to until talking to my therapist on Monday afternoon. It’s hard because I knew I was tired and I knew that if I pushed myself I would easily enter into panic territory but I still didn’t feel like this justified not going because my exhaustion ruined five other people’s plans. It’s hard because I’ve been working on listening to what my body needs but when your body needs something different than what you want it’s disappointing. If you didn’t already assume the rest of Sunday was spent filled with guilt and exhaustion. I was happy to go to bed and have Monday be better.
Monday: One of the things I struggle with the most is having a bad day and then having a good day. I’m so happy I was able to have my therapy session on Monday afternoon because I could just not get rid of the guilty feeling that was clouding over me. Monday I was still exhausted but I also felt bad for wanting to do anything. It’s so hard for me to have to cancel on someone for legitimate reasons and then be able to do something the next day. I feel guilty for it and I feel that I don’t deserve it. I don’t ever want someone to think I’m cancelling on them for no reason so I feel I need to stay in a not okay place to further prove I wasn’t okay in that moment that I canceled. That’s the crazy thing about anxiety though, you can feel like you can’t even walk from the bedroom to the bathroom one day and then the next day it’s like it never happened. My therapist really helped me try to find ways to let go of the guilt so that I could still enjoy the rest of my vacation. I still took it easy Monday because I was feeling tired so the only adventurous thing I did was get my nails done with my mom and aunt, and if we’re being honest I totally was falling asleep the whole time. Monday night brought the moment for my parents to leave and although I was nervous I was so tired that I knocked out early without even realizing they were gone.
Tuesday: Tuesday was a lazy day that I very much needed. I spent the day with my aunt watching movies, reading, and crafting. It was perfect, especially since I still was feeling like I could fall asleep at any given moment even after having slept a full night.
That brings us to today which will be filled with staying inside and cooking because it is cold and rainy outside. I’m really having a great time but I can’t say that it has been completely easy. This trip has really proved to me how living with anxiety is not about pushing it away, but instead creating a relationship with it and learning how to dance with it when it happens. I’ve been learning so much about myself and my relationships with all my different emotions these past few days and it feels great, but it is also a reminder that I still have such a long way to go.

Until next time 💜
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Anxiety Survival Kit

This Friday I am road tripping up to Northern California with my parents to spend a week with my Aunt and Uncle in Santa Cruz. I am so excited for this change of scenery and time with family, but I am also pretty nervous because this is the first time I’ll be traveling long distance in over a year. My parents will be spending half the time up there with me but they will be spending half the time elsewhere, which is a pretty big deal for me. My therapist and I came up with making a backpack that I could always have with me when traveling to help conquer my anxiety if it arises. This kit helped me so much as I was getting reacquainted with being in a car for a longer period of time and really made my trip to San Diego to meet Jenny Lawson go smoothly. I thought I would share with you all its contents because it has been a tremendous benefit to have with me when I adventure out of the house and hope that it can help you as well!


My Anxiety Survival Kit

  • Stress Ball – My stress ball is a pretty green and has the word breathe on it. I know they are meant for squeezing but I love to toss mine from hand to hand, it gives me something to concentrate on and distract me from my anxiety. I bought mine from CVS and you can find them online here.
  • Instant Cold Packs – One of the first signs that I’m getting anxious is that I begin to get really overheated. In the car this isn’t a huge deal because I can turn the AC on but I bought these instant cold packs for when I’m not in a place where I can easily change my temperature. I’ve used them at the doctors before when I’m anxious and they really help calm my body down. I also bought them at CVS and you can find them online here.
  • Cat Stuffed Animal – My cat is a major calming device for me, I can be extremely anxious but if she curls up with me I immediately start to calm down. Unfortunately I can’t take her everywhere with me (I 100% would if I could) so I bought a stuffed animal that looks similar to her that I can hug on to and cuddle when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
  • Positive Quote Journal – One of the first things I started doing at the beginning of my anxiety journey is keeping a journal with positive quotes in it. Whenever I would start to feel anxious I would pick up the journal and start reading or if I was really panicky I would make someone read them to me. This has proven to really help me over time, so I made a special edition for this kit filled with uplifting and positive quotes about getting through a difficult situation. If this sounds like something you would benefit from let me know, I would love to make one for you. 😊
  • Dolphin Travel Pillow – Sometimes the position of my neck can increase my anxiety just from the pain of being uncomfortable so I packed a travel pillow especially for when I’m in a car. Plus, it’s a dolphin and I love dolphins so I can also just look at it and be reminded of something that makes me smile.
  • Word Search Book – I’m learning that when I start to feel anxious the best thing for me to do is try to distract my brain as fast as possible. I love doing word searches and they are simple enough that I can do them even in a state of increasing anxiety to try and calm me down, so I thought they would be the perfect addition to my kit.
  • Water Bottle and Snacks
  • Xanax– I keep a few emergency Xanax in my kit just in case my panic becomes too big to conquer on my own but so far (knock on wood) I have been able to use the other items in my kit to calm me down before I need to take one.

I chose to put my kit into a Garden Grove bag I got when I was a Miss Garden Grove court member. This bag is like taking a little bit of home with me wherever I go since it literally says my hometown on it, so I try to use it to ground me back to reality and my comfort place. This kit could easily be put into a backpack, a purse, or anything that you can look at and have a positive response!
If anyone has any tips for traveling with anxiety I would love to hear them! I can’t wait for this adventure and am hoping to report back to you all that it has been a huge success. I’ll leave you with this quote that I know I will be keeping in mind during my travels and hope it can help you this week as well!

“Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” – Anonymous


Until next time. 💜
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What Is This Feeling?

For about the past year or so my life has been consumed by my anxiety. I’m not just talking about how I often felt anxious and experienced panic attacks, but even when I was calm I still had anxiety on the brain. My thoughts often included things like: Will this situation make me anxious? How can I prepare for possible anxiety? What’s triggering this anxious reaction? What can I do during a panic attack to minimize it? What can I do daily to help keep my anxiety low? What’s my exit plan? Can I handle this certain situation right now? Do I have my Xanax in case all my preparations fail?
I could go on and on with the types of thoughts I often had and still have but we would be here forever. The main takeaway is that all I was thinking about was my anxiety. I think these thoughts were extremely important for me to have at the time, and to still have from time to time, because they have helped me to better understand myself, my anxiety, and how to live with it. With that being said, now that I am feeling more on the positive side of things I’ve realized that thinking about anxiety all the time is keeping me from enjoying the moment. My therapist helped me really understand this by explaining that since I’ve been so focused on anxiety for so long it’s the feeling that my brain jumps to. This is so true for me. If my heart starts racing whether I’m watching a really exciting hockey game, working out, or actually anxious my body automatically reacts like I’m starting the spiral into panic mode. I often find myself repeating over and over again it is normal for your heart rate to increase when you are working out, or whatever the situation may be, to try and help calm myself down. I even have to ask my parents at times “this is a normal body reaction to this situation right?” because my brain can’t always make the distinction between normal and anxiety or panic. I’ve temporary lost my ability to categorize regular body reactions in situations into different feelings. Even now during this positive streak I have going I spend a good amount of my time waiting for it to end. I don’t really know what to do with myself if I’m not feeling anxious because I’ve become unaccustomed to all the different emotions we can feel on a daily basis.
Instead of worrying about when I’ll stop feeling happy and start feeling anxious or depressed again I need to switch my thinking to understanding that I will feel anxious again at some point because that’s what anxiety is. However when that time comes I have the necessary tools to help me get through the moment and survive it aka I can dance through my anxiety (hello inspiration for the title of my blog). This is 100% easier to write then it is for me to do, honestly at times I feel this is nearly impossible. I feel that now that I’ve opened my brain to understanding why I often feel worry and anxiety I can’t shut it off, but I need to instead try to learn how to  find the same understanding for all emotions. What really makes me happy or angry or excited or frustrated? At this moment in time I often find I honestly don’t know the answer to these questions but I can definitely tell you what my anxiety and panic attack triggers are. This is where my focus is right now, learning to live in the moment and reacquaint myself with the many emotions we can experience. When I’m happy I want to be happy and when I need to be angry or sad I want to let myself feel that too, but I don’t want to spend my time during one emotion waiting to feel something else.
If any of you out there have any tips or tricks on how to live more in the moment and let yourself feel whatever emotion arises I would love to hear them!
Until next time 💜
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Meeting Jenny Lawson

On Monday my parents and I adventured out to La Jolla, California to attend Jenny Lawson’s (author of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) book signing for her new book, You Are Here, at Warwick’s book store. This was not an easy task but it was so incredibly worth it and I wanted to share with you how it went.
This past week has been a very positive week for me and therefore I’ve found myself wanting to push myself a little extra. I have been focusing on my anxiety related to being in a car and have thankfully been having some success at it. For about the last year I haven’t been able to be in a car for longer than about thirty minutes before I would start panicking, but I have really been noticing how limiting that is and was determined to change it. After talking to my therapist about where my car anxiety seems to be stemming from I was able to attack the problem more head on. My parents and I have spent the last week going on driving adventures and my confidence when being in a car has really increased  to the point where I can spend multiple hours and be okay. So when I saw that Jenny Lawson was having a book signing in La Jolla I thought this would be the perfect test for my new found abilities.  Not only is La Jolla about an hour and a half drive from my house but we would also be driving during traffic time, which is a definite trigger for me. The reward though would be getting to meet Jenny Lawson, so I really wanted to give it a try.
One of those books in the back is mine!
Taken from Jenny’s Instagram
I prepared  the best I could and we had all kinds of back up plans in place. The good news is that we hit very little traffic and the drive went very smoothly for me on the anxiety side of things. The bad news is that this whole time I never prepared myself for actually going to the book signing because I was so focused on the drive, so when we actually got there I was in for a surprise. Now the whole time I was aware of what I was getting myself into. I knew book signings involved other people and time spent with these other people; however, I never actually prepared for this or really thought about what I was doing. You may be thinking to yourself that this makes no sense since I am a person with anxiety who tends to overthink and analyze every single situation before I enter it. You would be correct, the only thing I can think is that I was so focused on surviving the drive it was all my brain could handle. So when we finally got to the venue at 6:30 for the event that started at 7:30 and there were already people in line, my immediate reaction was, what have I done? I immediately regretted coming because I wasn’t ready to stand in a line and be surrounded by people for an entire hour before the event and then also during the entire event. Lucky for me both my parents came with me and recognized my immediate spiral into panic mode. My parents took turns standing in line while I walked around with the other one and pretended that I wasn’t freaking out about this whole situation. I eventually conquered this line anxiety but then I got back in line to hear that there were only 40 seats available due to reserved seating. Cue anxiety again. I knew I was going to struggle with sitting but the thought of having to stand through this was just not an option for me. I was completely ready to go home and forget it all together. I had to repeatedly tell my parents please don’t let me run away from this because I really want to be here but I also was recognizing that I was entering into flight mode. Luckily having them there helped so much, my dad even walked down the line counting people to reassure me that I was close enough to the front of the line to get a seat. When the doors opened at 7 my  mom and I entered the venue and were lucky enough to get a seat and it was close to the back which made it way easier to be in this crowd of people.

The view from my seat, so many people!
Waiting for the event to start was not super easy but the second Jenny Lawson started speaking I was fine and more than that I was so incredibly grateful I had stayed. She is hilarious, real, honest, weird, and incredibly motivating. I could go on and on about how much I admire her but this post is already getting long so all I can say is read her blog, (you can find it here), buy her books and/or follow her on social media, you won’t regret it. After we got to listen to her speak it was time for pictures and book signing. Cue another line that I was not a fan of. I thought that the earlier line would have helped show me that I could survive this line but once again all I wanted to do was run. I was able to handle it but not without a short break outside to sit in the car with my dad for a little while my mom waited in line (seriously my parents are amazing). Eventually it was my time to meet Jenny and I got to tell her we were birthday twins, thank her, and hand her a note for her to read later explaining just how truly thankful I am for her. After the signing we stopped for some In-n-Out and headed towards home. I DID IT!

As previously mentioned Jenny Lawson was promoting her new book You Are Here which is mainly a coloring book of doodles she drew when she was depressed. I bought my copy from Barnes & Noble but you can also find it on Amazon here. Let me know if you purchase it and we can color together or share our coloring achievements with each other!
All in all this trip is one I definitely put in the success column! Was it all easy? Absolutely not because even during my positive streaks my anxiety can come out to play. Was it worth it? Absolutely! Not only did I get to meet Jenny Lawson but I also got to have a positive experience that helped me believe in myself, gain confidence in my abilities to handle situations that aren’t completely comfortable, and gave me a moment to feel like my normal self again. It also gave me a chance to feel proud of myself instead of disappointed and frustrated and I can’t even explain how great that felt! Now in the future when I’m in a situation with anxiety triggers I hope to be able to look back to this adventure as proof I can survive.

Until next time. 💜
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I Am Important

During my most recent episode of depression I felt very lost in my purpose. I didn’t feel important or that I really had a purpose in my everyday life. I wasn’t going to school or working so why did I need to get out of bed? Why did I even need to get dressed? It wasn’t until after I got out of this depression that I realized that I was working on me and that was important. It is important. Then I got sad when talking about this to my therapist because I didn’t even feel that I was worthy enough to get up for. I mean how bad of a place do you have to be in to not think taking care of yourself is important? It was hard for me to face the truth that I didn’t think I was worth getting out of bed for. In my mind if I wasn’t doing something for someone else then my life didn’t have purpose. Don’t get me wrong I love helping people but one of the best ways to connect with someone else in my opinion is to truly understand yourself first. I had the answers on how to help take care of other people but when it came to me I was lost.

It was like a foreign concept to me in that moment, figuring out how to take care of myself and considering myself important. I could take myself and someone else and put us in the exact same position, something that actually recently happened when my dad and I were both sick. I would sit there and tell my dad he should go to the doctor, make sure he was taking medicine, just anything I could do to make sure he got better, my thoughts were all consumed with him getting healthy. When it came to me however I didn’t have those same thoughts. I wasn’t telling myself to go to the doctor or take medicine or rest, these thoughts didn’t even really cross my mind. Even writing this out is hard, looking back and seeing how very unimportant I was to myself.

This is something that is very present for me and something I am working hard on trying to correct. I still have purpose and that purpose is working on myself and learning how to navigate life with this illness so that I can have the future I want to have. My therapist gave me great advice and that is to take every thought I have towards wanting to help someone else and to turn it inwards. For example going back to my dad and I both being sick, asking the question should he go to the doctor and then changing that to should I go to the doctor? This is what I’m trying to do moving forward. I feel guilty because I feel like I am being selfish taking care of myself first but honestly what good am I to someone else if I’m a mess? However, I know the time will come when I’m once again in a position to help others and take care of myself as well but until then I’m going to have to be selfish and focus on myself.
I leave you with this quote and cute picture that I hope will help you whenever you may be feeling this way and will help you remember that you are important. We all are important and it is okay if the only thing we accomplish in a day is taking care of ourselves because that is still something to be proud of.
“I am more than good enough and I get better every day.” – Anonymous



Until next time. 💜
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Guest Blog: Mom Guilt

Just a few thoughts from the mom side.

You know those people who say, “if I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t change a thing”?  I just can’t begin to comprehend that.   Oh sure, I would never change the amazing man I married, my job working with kids, and the wonderful family and friends I’m surrounded by.  It’s the little things I’m always reviewing and reassessing in my head.  “Why did I say THAT?”  “Why didn’t I do it that other way?”

I’m always feeling guilt (anxiety?) over past decisions and actions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children.  Every insecurity they suffer or illness they’ve faced must somehow be traced back to something I did or failed to do when they were younger, right? And when they’re suffering with things that are hard to pin down and fix right away?  Well, I should have caught it sooner.  I should have seen those little clues like I can always find in the movies before it progressed to this point.

But I didn’t, and I haven’t been able to forgive myself yet. 

Looking back with my 20/20 hindsight, I can see clues during her youth that my daughter was being occasionally visited by the anxiety monster.  People would say “she’s a worrier” and “a lot of smart kids worry a lot” and I would assume the individual episodes were just that…disconnected episodes. If the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist was brought up, it would be at a time when the monster retreated and I would fall back into the “oh, she’s just a worrier” frame of mind and just try to keep things cheerful.  Now, I wonder what things would be like today if I had intervened earlier.  Did I mess things up for her?

Mom guilt can be heavy.

So, I try to help however I can.  Sometimes by pushing her to just get out of bed already! (followed by guilt over whether she may just need that sleep this time), coaxing her to the doctor’s office, convincing her to try that medicine when all other avenues have been exhausted, and hoping one day to help her ease off that medicine when she doesn’t need it anymore. (Even mom guilt can be studded with pieces of hope).

Other times, over every guilty thought I have telling me to do the contrary, I try to help by not helping so much.  Having to take care of yourself even when you feel bad is an important lesson too.

Mainly, though, I try to just let her know how amazing and strong a woman she is. Because you are NOT your anxiety, it’s just an illness.
Even if you’re not the one suffering the journey can be just as tough. If anyone wants to further talk or commiserate over this annoying parent guilt feel free to reach out.
💛 Momma Genta

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Book Review: Furiously Happy

I just finished reading the book Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson and I absolutely LOVED it!

In this book Jenny Lawson writes about some of her daily experiences with her mental illness. I would highly recommend it for anyone going through anxiety and/or depression, and also anyone who wants to better understand what it’s like living with anxiety and/or depression. Actually I just recommend this book to anyone because it’s great!

Not everyone’s journey with mental illness is the same but I found myself relating to the author on so many levels. There were so many points in this book where I laughed out loud and there were just as many that made me feel less alone because I’m not the only person that can take the smallest things and have their brains take it off into the most crazy tangent.
I don’t want to go into too much detail because I don’t want to spoil too much for those that are going to read it but I do have to share two excerpts from her book that really spoke to me. Even if you don’t have time to read the book I think these are two points that you will appreciate especially if you suffer from a mental illness.

The first one is something that I wish I could shout to the world. It is a great example of how ridiculous it is when you tell someone who is fighting a mental illness that it is something they can just get over. I relate to this so much because at the beginning I often wouldn’t understand why I couldn’t just snap my fingers and be happy or stop panicking when there wasn’t even anything to panic about but that is not at all the case. This is an illness we’re fighting and it’s not just going to go away without help. Just because  this form of illness isn’t visible doesn’t mean it’s not real and doesn’t mean that fighting it isn’t just as important. 


I have many days where I feel like a complete failure. It’s so hard for me to go from having a good day to spending the next day not being able to get out of bed. I also often compare myself to other people who have anxiety which is not helpful at all because it’s not like a broken arm, every case of anxiety/depression is different. It’s so frustrating that this illness is completely unpredictable and that it’s not something we just get rid of. One of the things my therapist told me when I first started seeing her is that anxiety/depression isn’t something we get rid of, it’s something we learn to dance with. There will be good days and there will be bad days but it will always be there. This excerpt perfectly summed up these feelings for me and helped me further understand that every case is different and I need to focus on what is the right way for me to dance with this illness. 

I could go on and on with the takeaways and parts of this book that I clicked with but at that point you should really just read the book. I checked it out as an e-book from my library but if you want to purchase it (I’m totally getting it and adding it to my collection) it can be found on Amazon here. 

If anyone has any books they would recommend regarding anxiety and depression (or just in general because I’m a book nerd) I would love to hear them. 
Until next time, happy reading! 💜