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Perfectionist vs Inner Critic
I’ve been in a bit of a low period lately for various reasons, but this low period has felt different than any before. I’m in what feels like a physical depression more so than a mental depression and it’s a very strange feeling. One of the things we’ve been talking about in my therapy sessions is my perfectionist and inner critic. We’ve been diving into deeper levels of my depression and anxiety and are realizing what a huge role these two things are playing in daily life. The problem is that it’s not just the perfectionist showing up or just the inner critic showing up but they’re both showing up and contradicting each other to the point where I get stuck in the middle.
The perfectionist in me sets these unrealistic goals and wants me to be perfect. This isn’t always a bad thing and can sometimes push me to be my very best but I’m also seeing that I let it be a bad thing way more then I let it be a good thing. Then on the other side of things we have my inner critic. My inner critic basically tells me that nothing I do is good enough, there is always room for improvement. This isn’t a bad thing until it stands in the way of letting me celebrate any accomplishment I have and instead makes me always view myself as a failure and not being good enough. When you put these two things together it really leaves me in an impossible place. On the one side I need to do everything perfect and on the other side nothing I do is good enough. This leads me to more often than not either beating myself up for no reason at all or just disengaging. If I can’t do it perfect and trying without succeeding is a failure, why should I even try at all? This is where my brain lands more often than not and that is a big problem.
Life Update
Wow has it been a long time! Sorry for going MIA for the last few months. Life has taken on a new look for me lately and a lot of that has lead to me feeling uninspired towards my writing and like I have nothing to talk about. I’ll write a whole post on my feelings about that later but for now I just wanted to give you all a little life update to catch you up on the last few months.
I’ve been in an overall good place lately which led to me feeling like I needed to start doing something more. I was ready to take the next step back to what I view as a “normal” life and needed to figure out what that meant for me. I eventually figured out that I would like that to mean getting a job, outside of the house, but the problem was I knew I wasn’t ready for a full time job or honestly even an part time job. After doing some research and talking to my parents I looked into third party merchandising jobs. A lot of these jobs let you work your own schedule as long as you meet deadlines and I thought this would be the perfect re-introduction into the outside of the house working world. After applying and going through the interview process I was able to get one of these jobs in April and have been working for this company ever since. It has been a really good thing for me because it’s work that I have to do every week but like I said earlier it’s flexible and if I wake up one day feeling like I can’t do it then I can wait and work the next day. I even recently got given more responsibility within my job which will lead to more work and consistent hours. It’s obviously not where I thought I would be at this point in my life and it’s not what I want to do long term but, it is perfect for me at this moment. I’m getting a taste of “normal” but I didn’t over push myself.
I also have been working on starting a business with my dad. That deserves it’s whole own post because I want to shameless plug it and more importantly there’s so much good that has come out of it. It’s just another way though that I have quickly jumped back into the real world and have been pushing myself in ways I wouldn’t have thought possible at the beginning of the year.
Now don’t get me wrong there have been plenty of downs throughout all of this. My anxiety and panic still like to frequently creep up. I still can’t just do whatever I want to do (ie. road trips) but the quality of life I am experiencing on a daily basis has significantly increased and has left me feeling hopeful for the future.
I am finally excited to get back into writing and I hope you all will re-join me on this adventure. I hope you have been okay during these last few months and have been having wins and progress in whatever way that means for you. Even though I haven’t been writing this community has still been on my mind and I feel so much better be back with it.
Until next time. <3
Why I Stopped Writing
So I feel like I owe you all an explanation to why I randomly stopped writing out of no where and disappeared for a while. There are two reasons although one of them held much more power than the other one.
The first and smaller reason is that I have developed tendinitis in my hand/wrist. This has been bugging me since about February and gets aggravated when I type so as part of my attempt to heal it, it was helpful to stop typing. I’m still dealing with pain but it seems to be getting a bit better and I’ve missed writing so I’m giving it a try.
The second and more dominant feeling is that I didn’t know what to write about that would seem real. I felt like that because I was doing good I couldn’t write about it because I didn’t want to be held to a new standard. By publicizing my new “normal” I felt that it would take away my ability to have any bad days. I also felt that if I wrote about the good then the bad wouldn’t seem as important or vice versa. I know, I know it doesn’t really make sense. I’m struggling to find the words to explain the weird thoughts that were going in my brain. I didn’t want to seem fake and for some reason I felt that if I wrote about the good that’s what I would be doing because I still have bad days. I’ve come to realize though with help from others that writing about both the good and bad is important because that’s the truth on what’s happening. I am having more good days than bad days right now and that’s something to celebrate BUT I am still having bad days and that is something to acknowledge. I have a really hard time with growth because I feel like moving forward takes away my right to not be okay sometimes but I’m trying to teach myself that this is anything but true. The bad days will always be there. Sometimes I’ll be able to handle them and sometimes I won’t. That doesn’t mean I need to downplay the good days and that doesn’t mean I can’t ask for help when I need it.
All this to say I was blocked on what to write. As you can tell nothing seemed right to me. I’ve realized that I need to go back to what I said when I started all this and just write what is happening good or bad because that’s what’s real. I’m allowed to be okay and I’m allowed to be not okay and so are you. This is something I need to work on and I feel up for the challenge.
Do you any of you struggle with positive growth? How do you handle it? I would love to hear your thoughts on the topic.
Until next time.
Let’s Get Healthy
So as usual I’m trying to live a healthier life. It’s always hard for me to try and transform my habits into healthier habits for multiple reasons. For one thing, if I’m having a bad day it’s 100 times more difficult for me to stick to any routine, no matter how far along in it I am. Another reason is that I’m so out of shape I have to start really easy, but I get too excited and want to do more and then push myself too far and end up stopping. I also have unhealthy habits when it comes to sleeping, eating, and exercising, so it’s hard to make a change in so many areas of my life, even though I know they are all connected.
This time around I’m trying to be more forgiving to myself and the situation I’m in and start slow at a very beginning level, while not rushing myself to be better. I’m not doing great financially, so I’ve also had to find things that are free and easy to do at home while I’m getting started. I’ve also learned that if I don’t have something holding me accountable then I can very easily talk myself out of sticking to my schedule. I’ve found some phone apps that have been a game changer for me and I think are really going to help me stay committed this time around. This is in no way sponsored, just some apps that I have tried and found to be very helpful and therefore wanted to share them with you all.
- Plant Nanny – When I try to switch to 100% healthy eating, it obviously never works out well. I thought that to start things off easier I would just make sure that I am drinking enough water during the day, which in turn helps me cut out soda and other sugary drinks. This app tracks your water consumption by having you water plants. If you don’t drink enough water the plant suffers and will eventually die. I’ve found this to be a great motivator for myself, because it’s brought this change externally, even if I’m not in the mood to drink water I also don’t want my plant to die so I make myself do it. There are a variety of different plants and decorations to choose from and they have different levels of plants to go with how much you want to challenge yourself. I found it for free in the app store.
- Walking – This is another app I found for free in the app store. It is a four week walking program that tells you how long to warm up, walk, and cool down each day. The amount of time increases the farther you go into the program to keep you feeling challenged. It also has a beginner, intermediate, and advanced program so you can pick one depending on how active you already are. I am pretty much not active and my stamina sucks. A lot of this has to do with the fact that for a very long time I wasn’t able to tell the difference between my heart racing from exercise and my heart racing from a panic attack. I ended up stopping doing anything really physical because my brain would just think I’m having a panic attack and then that would end up happening, which is not fun. I’ve started out with the beginner program and it has helped me feel more active, but also in a way that I can handle.
- Bedtime Stories for Grownups – This isn’t an app but it is a podcast that can be found for free on any app that plays podcasts, I personally listen to it on Spotify. This app is exactly what it sounds like, bedtime stories. I use it to help me fall asleep and try to help create a pattern at night that shuts down all the random thoughts swirling in my brain and lets me focus on the story being told. Some days it works and some days it doesn’t, but I’m hoping that the more consistently I work this into my night time routine the more success I will find with it. I will try anything at this point to help me get a better night’s sleep!
I know that these probably seem pretty simple to most of you but I’ve learned that I need to start simple and take baby steps to really see long term success. These are apps that are helping me to start to make these small changes and I’m hoping will lead to even greater healthy changes in the future. How do you stay healthy? Do you use apps or do you find them unhelpful? I would love to hear how you create and stick to your healthy habits and lifestyle. Mental and physical health are connected and it’s so important to work on both. I am constantly putting in work with my mental health but have really realized that I need to start putting in the same effort to my physical health. I would take any and all advice you have to give!
Until next time!💚
I Don’t Know
So I haven’t written in a while and every week that passes by and I don’t post I start to beat myself up. The thing is though that I don’t want to post just to post. I want to post real raw content about what I’m going through. I just haven’t been inspired. I’ve started posts and then deleted everything I write. I think I have a good idea for a post and then find that I don’t really have anything to say at the moment on it. It gets very frustrating and I get very defeated. That then leads into thoughts like “Should I even be writing?” “Should I just stop my blog all together?”
The thing is I love writing and I love doing this blog but sometimes I put way too much pressure on myself to make it the perfect money making blog, which then goes against the whole reason I started it in the first place. I recently came to the conclusion that I will probably never get there and that’s totally okay. I’m going to keep blogging the way I like. When I have something to say I’ll write about it and if I don’t have something to say I won’t post just because I feel like I have to. Things have been going okay for me lately and I’ve been working on starting a business with my dad. Maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I have anything to say? Because things aren’t completely falling apart. Who knows! Anyways all this to say, I’m still here and I’m still fighting. I promised to always be truthful and the truth right now is that I’m feeling pretty uninspired on things to say. I know it’s temporary and I know I’ll be back. Thanks for sticking around in the mean time.
Until next time. <3
Self-Care
Happy February! I don’t know about you but January felt like it took forever to end, especially since I was feeling down for a majority of it, so I am happy for a new month. February is the month of love, which if you’re single like me can be annoying, but it doesn’t have to be because I’m choosing to spend this month focusing on the most important love of all. Self-love. If I ever want to be in a happy, healthy relationship (which I do) I need to learn how to love myself first. To me one of the first steps to learning to love yourself is learning how to take care of yourself, because it shows you that you will always be there. Even if it’s just ten minutes of your day, taking time for yourself is so important. I’m quickly beginning to see the differences on the days I do take care of myself vs the days I ignore myself all day. I thought I would take some time to share some of my favorite acts of self-care today.
- Reading – When I’m feeling stressed or needing a break one of the best things for me is to curl up with a book and hopefully my cat. Getting the chance to breathe and escape reality for a bit can help me feel 100 times better. If you need a book recommendation let me know! And if you’re on Goodreads let’s connect because I’m always looking for new titles to add to my to-be-read list.
- Listening to Music/Podcast – Lately, more and more when I need a break the first thing I want to do is grab some headphones and listen to something besides my own thoughts. My go to right now on music is classical or movie scores if I want to relax, and The Greatest Showman soundtrack if I need some motivation. I’m also a HUGE fan of the podcast Armchair Expert by Dax Shepard and love nothing more than to get lost in an episode.
- Social Media Break – If you’re anything like me you are constantly checking social media throughout the day. Sometimes I don’t even know if I actually enjoy it or if it’s just habit. When I’m feeling especially down the only thing social media really helps me do is feel worse. I sit there comparing myself to all the good and excitement shown online even though I know that it doesn’t necessarily show the whole story. I think the best thing to do in these moments is disconnect. Turn your phone off or on do not disturb and stop checking social media, even if it’s just for an hour I feel it makes a huge difference to the inner-critic. We’re not showing it all the things it can use to compare us to and therefore it’s ammo starts to decrease.
- Surround Yourself with Love – It’s weird because when I’m feeling down or that I need to do some extra self-care sometimes the only thing that helps is being alone, and sometimes that’s actually the worst thing for me. Don’t be afraid to tell the people that love and support you that you need them a little closer for a bit. One of the biggest things I’ve learned in self-care is understanding that it is okay to ask for help.
- Getting Out of the House – Sometimes changing your surroundings can be a game changer. Whether it’s going to Target, getting dinner with friends, taking a walk things that get you out of the house and away from your stress and worry is a great way to take care of yourself.
These are just some of the ways I like to practice self-care/self-love. What do you like to do? I would love to hear your list especially since I am always looking for new things to incorporate into my self-care routine. Don’t forget how important it is to love yourself and have your own back no matter how difficult it gets sometimes.
Until next time.♥
The January Slump
So here we are again. Another January, another slump. It’s to be expected in my life but it still doesn’t make it any easier. I still find myself feeling down and depressed, quick to panic and cry, spending my days just trying to convince myself to do basic things like get dressed and take a shower. The business part of me always thought that having answers would make things easier for me to fight but honestly having the answers doesn’t do much more for me than put a label on how I’m feeling. Which does help honestly, but only a little because at the end of the day I still feel down.
There are a few reasons for my January slump most of them revolving around the post holiday let down so many of us feel. I love the holidays so much and if it was up to me I would want to do a Christmas type celebration every month. Not for the gifts, but for the decorations and time spent with family. Just the overall magical feeling of that time of year. Although I guess if it occurred more often it wouldn’t feel as magical. But anyways, I try to soak up as much love and good cheer as I can throughout the holiday season, spending time with family, baking cookies, looking at Christmas lights, listening to music, watching Hallmark movies, the list goes on and on. Then when it’s over I have a major letdown.
Another factor is the whole new year thing. When we reflect and look towards this new year it feels like a giant reminder that I’m not exactly where I want to be and I don’t even know when I’ll get there. January and the beginning months of the year also bring some dates up that tend to trigger my grief and the feelings associated with that. All this to say January is tough for me and I’m really struggling right now.
So how do I fight it? My current mantra is “the only way out is through.” Sometimes the only way I can fight this is to accept it. In these cases I usually curl up with a good book or a funny show and try to wait for the worst of it to pass. I also make sure I’m checking in with myself and listening to my body, whether that means taking a nap, writing in my journal, or crying to my family I try to do what my body needs. All things that feel so difficult to do but over time make a huge difference.
If you find the new year difficult and are feeling the post holiday letdown too just know that you are not alone. We will all get through this, it may be tough but we can do it. Pick up a good book, surround yourself with love and good food, and keep on fighting.
Until next time. 💚
New Year’s Resolutions
Happy 2019 friends! Wow it feels like forever since I’ve written a post. While it has been some time, I’m also really glad I took a step away for the holidays. As much as I love the holidays they are also very hard for me. They seem to cause a spike in my anxiety and when they are over I am left in a post holiday slump. I’m planning a post all about my January slump but until then I want to talk about resolutions.
Do you love them? Do you hate them? Do you make them and keep them? Do you make them and break them?
My opinion is constantly going back and forth. I love making a to-do list to help me get things done and when I don’t have a plan I get quite lost. The downside though is that when I don’t meet my goals I tend to feel like a failure, well not tend to, I do feel like a failure. Also, in years past when I’ve tried to set goals I’ve made them too specific and ended up not being able to keep up with them. Last year I tried to just keep things simple and that’s what I’m planning for this year as well. So without further ado, drum-roll please….my resolutions!
1. Be Happier
2. Be Healthier
3. Be Present
4. Forgive Yourself
5. Take Risks
As you can tell, my resolutions all revolve around better self care and mental health because that’s where most of my life is focused right now. The last one is the one that scares me the most, but then that’s why it’s needed. For a little while now I’ve had a few ideas on some things I’ve wanted to try but I just can’t get myself to take that first step because I’m too scared on how I will react if I don’t succeed. So this is the year for taking risks, trying new things and, whether they work or not, being able to learn from the process!
If you set goals for this year, I would love to hear them in the comments! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday season and I can’t wait to see where this year brings us.
Until next time.❤️
Happy Holidays
Can you believe it’s almost Christmas, which means we are also almost to 2019?! I sure can’t! This time of year is my favorite time of year – between Christmas, my birthday, family time, decor, music, gift giving, basically all the things! Sometimes, though, this time of year is also really difficult for me. My birthday and the start of a new year tends to bring up a bunch of anxiety towards how I’m not where I thought I would be in life and to be honest how I don’t exactly know where I’m going.
I’ve also recently found myself completely consumed by social media and this blog. When I started this blog I was mainly looking for an outlet for my feelings and getting to connect with people was an added bonus. Recently I’ve been feeling the pressure (self inflicted pressure) to make this something more. Could it be my job? Can I make money off of it? A lot of this has to do with me turning 26 in a couple of weeks and feeling like I’m behind in life. Don’t get me wrong, I would love for this to be my career. Writing these blog posts and connecting with people through my writing has quickly become a passion of mine! This is definitely an avenue I want to pursue and see what could happen, but I feel like right now I’m not doing it in the right way. I’ve been getting caught up in all the “how-to’s” and “must haves” for a successful blog that I’m struggling to focus on my number one goal when starting this – to produce content that is real, raw, and honest. Sometimes for me that means not getting a blog post out every week, which should be okay but lately I’ve been beating myself up for not meeting this invisible deadline.
Anyways, all this is to say that I don’t want to let this favorite time of year pass by with me being caught up in my online world. I’m going to take a break for the holidays and spend some time connecting with my loved ones and working on good content to have ready for when I get back in the swing of things. I will definitely stay active on my Instagram and Facebook pages so make sure you are following along on those as well. I just feel like I need some time to reconnect with why I started doing this in the first place and disconnect temporarily from the business of it. I appreciate all of your support more than I could ever express and can’t wait to reconnect with you all post holidays. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season filled with love and joy!
Until next time. 🧡