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I always feel the need to apologize when I haven’t written in forever but then I feel like why should I apologize when it’s my blog and I just write when I have something to write? So basically sorry that I haven’t written in a while but also not sorry because I’m trying to cut back on saying sorry unnecessarily all the time. I’ve been doing really good lately, fighting obstacles that have previously seemed impossible and I wouldn’t even try to fight. For some reason I have a hard time figuring out how to write about the good. I don’t want to seem like I’m bragging and I also don’t want to jinx myself or paint this picture that I’m all better when in reality I’ve just had a few good days in a row. Things haven’t been 100% easy for me, there have definitely been some struggles and rough moments and Xanax, but at the end of the day I’ve had an overall feeling of good. After this feeling lasts for a few days I start to panic. Yup, I panic because I’m feeling good. For one thing I don’t really know what it’s like to feel good for more than one day in a row so making progress is actually this unknown thing. Of course I want it but it is still scary. For another thing I feel like I’m not allowed to have more good days than bad days. Since I’ve been dealt this card I feel like that’s it I’m stuck with anxiety and panic and that’s just life. This is indeed the case but living with anxiety and panic doesn’t have to mean living with crippling anxiety and panic every day of my life. For whatever reason though when I have a string of good days I hit this point where I feel like my luck is up and I start waiting for the other shoe to drop and the crippling anxiety and panic to set back in. 

This is where redefining my roles comes in for me. No matter how many times I say I don’t want other people to define me by my anxiety, which is 100% true, I’m starting to realize that subconsciously I define myself by my anxiety. It’s who I am, it’s what I know. I don’t know how to not be the anxious one. This has come up for me a few different times in a few different ways over the past couple of weeks. I set a role for myself and then don’t think I’m allowed to have any feelings or emotions other than what fit that role. Whether it’s the role of worrier, caretaker, leader, perfectionist, whatever it may be I feel like that is the only option for me and I either participate by being in that role or I don’t participate at all. 

A few examples of some recent cases lately. My younger brother graduated from college two weeks ago and I was terrified of going to his ceremony. An outdoor graduation ceremony is a place full of anxiety triggers for me plus I have so many unresolved feelings of not being able to attend my own graduation ceremony that I didn’t see how going was an option. I also felt that I had to take on the role of leader. I felt that I had to make sure everything ran smoothly and everyone else was okay which ends up taking away from my ability to check in on my own emotions and self which leads to a downward spiral I don’t like experiencing. Due to all these reasons I was pretty set in my decision to not go. My therapist and I ended up spending two whole sessions just talking about this ceremony and everything surrounding it. At one point she asked me why couldn’t I go and just be a background player? To which I replied I honestly don’t know how. I think in truth though I felt like I wasn’t allowed to. I had got it in my mind that I either attend and be the leader or I don’t go at all. Well after lots of conversations with many people I decided to go. I feel like I need to mention that I wanted to go the whole time I just didn’t think it was the smart or right choice. In the end though I made it through the event and didn’t have to take a leadership role which allowed me to be able to check in with my own feelings and emotions. I felt like a new person. 

A week later I attended the funeral for my best friend’s grandmother. I had spent many times with her grandmother and have countless memories with their family, but when it came to the funeral I once again put myself in a molded role. I went to be a supporter emotionally and physically to my best friend and her family. It never crossed my mind that I was there for myself and for them because I only knew how to be in one role at a time. About halfway through the service I completely broke down because it hit me that I was really experiencing this loss too and I was allowed that. I learned that I can be a supporter and still experience my own emotions at the same time. 

One more example is from yesterday. My mom had surgery on her foot and for the past few days I have been a mess. I have continuously worked myself up into a hyper panic over this procedure and had no idea how to be calm or handle any of it. My therapist and I talked about it and I was explaining how I could rationalize things and logistically think of all the reasons that I don’t need to be completely panicked about this but couldn’t convince my body and brain to not be terrified. I once again was placing myself in a role. The role of worrier. At one point I told my therapist I don’t know how to not be the worrier. It’s who I am no matter how strongly my analytical side comes out to play, at the end of the day I worry. She helped me find a way to allow myself to worry without it being a consuming fear and gave me permission to not worry if I wasn’t feeling scared. My feelings won’t affect the universe and if I was feeling like the surgery was going to go smoothly it was okay to feel that. (I sometimes feel like if I don’t worry and then something bad happens it’s my fault because I didn’t think of it before hand.) If you couldn’t figure it out by now I put a lot of pressure on myself in all sorts of situations. 

This is where I’m at right now. I’m trying to break the mold of putting myself in these roles. I’m trying to be present and let myself feel whatever emotions come my way and try not to hold on to them when I don’t need to. I like to think of the movie Inside Out, where all the emotions at the start of the movie are by themselves and Happy won’t let Sadness influence the other emotions. Then by the end of the movie they figure out that memories have multiple emotions intertwined and those are the more real experiences. That is what I’m trying to achieve. Making memories with all emotions that need to be present, present. 

This was a long one and if you made it this far thank you for reading! I hope you all are doing well and making progress in whatever way is right for you. I also need to put a disclaimer that my mom usually edits my blog posts because grammar is not my thing, but since she had surgery she’s not up for it so sorry for the run on sentences! In the words of my mom I tend to write how I talk which is just one long stream of consciousness. 

Until next time. 💜

I just finished reading Hi, Anxiety – Life With a Bad Case of Nerves by Kat Kinsman and loved it. Reading is something that I love to do. I’m always in the

middle of a book, if not multiple books, and feel incomplete when I’m not. Reading books about other people’s experiences with mental health has been one thing that has helped me out a lot throughout my journey so far. Battling an illness can feel so lonely and it’s sometimes easier to just go at by yourself than try to find the words that accurately explain how you’re feeling to others. That’s why I love books like this so much because these authors have found a way to put my feelings into words that I can share with others and have also reassured me that I really am not alone. For me personally something I struggle with is feeling completely unlovable because of my illness in all types of relationships in my life. One of my fears is that I will never find a guy who will love me for me, anxiousness and all. This is one of the reasons I liked this book so much because she shares her episodes of illness with full honesty and truth along with how she handles her relationships. It made me hopeful that one day I’ll meet someone who doesn’t see my illness as a fault and that I am not as much of a burden to the loved ones in my life as I feel like. I don’t want to spoil too much of what Kinsman shares but I thought I would take a moment to share some of my favorite moments so you can get a taste of if this would be a good read for you or not. 

“But it’s a different beast when there’s no solution, no clear cause and effect – when there’s no triggering incident that makes you stop washing your hair because you’re suddenly terrified of getting your head wet.”

“We hunker and hide in fear of being judged imperfect, unlovable, high maintenance, and insane. We do not speak of it.”

 “Prepared? HA! That’s all I do is prepare. That’s what I’m built for. I spend all of my waking moments (and a good chunk of sleeping ones, too) putting hammer, nails, scratched skin, and blood into constructing the worst-case scenario and armoring for battle against it.” 

 “I’m afraid that I’ll relax and have all the calm snatched back because it is not what I’m supposed to get.”

 If you relate to any of these feelings I highly recommend you check this book out. As you can see I related to it so much I even took a highlighter and sticky notes to my copy so I can quickly reference those feelings I feel often and remind myself I’m not alone. If you want a copy for yourself you can find it on Amazon here. Happy reading! 📚

Until next time. 💜

As I explained last week I’ve been feeling on more of an uphill climb into the world of a “normal” human being. With this comes the confusion of feeling good then not good, feeling capable and then needing rest. Basically I have to continuously test and push my limits to see what I’m ready and not ready for. It’s a lot of back and forth and honestly sometimes it can be pretty frustrating but it’s a necessary step in my journey of progress. This weekend I had the chance to volunteer at the Strawberry Festival 🍓🍓which takes place in my hometown every Memorial Day Weekend. This was a pretty big test for myself and my limits. Not only did I commit to four days in a row of doing something, it was also going to be in a place full of triggers for me: crowds, outside weather, set time periods, responsibility. I knew that I could do it for at least one of the events but helping for all four days was going to be a stretch for me so I was a little nervous. The difference between this time around and previous times where I’ve pushed myself is that this time I was full of confidence. I knew I could do this and I wanted to do this so I was willing to do whatever it took to prove to myself that I could. That’s another big difference that I’ve felt in myself recently is that I’m not doing things anymore to prove to others that I’m capable but instead I’m doing them to prove to myself that I am capable and strong. 

Wow has it been a while! I have to apologize for the lack of posting recently but I’ve been making some great steps forward and wasn’t sure how to write about them. I’ve been feeling on the brink of a good progress for a while now but still felt nervous about it and didn’t know how to live in the moment and let it happen.

 It all started when I realized a common factor in my life was that I would panic during the car ride to somewhere and then would either have to fight through a panic attack or turn around and go home. I was missing out on things I wanted to do and couldn’t figure out how to conquer this until I found a way to take back control. I realized (with the help of my therapist of course) that one of the reasons I would panic during car rides is because I had this fear that if I was in a really bad place whoever was driving the car wouldn’t listen to me and wouldn’t do what I needed to be done, whether that was to pull over, turn around, etc. After having not driven a car since January, I woke up one day wanting to go out but being nervous that I would panic in the car and decided I should just drive. So I did. I don’t know what compelled me to wake up that day and decide I was ready to drive a car again but I am so glad I did because it has opened the door to progress for me. This past week I have been able to do so much and have gained so much confidence and hope all from driving again. I feel like I have regained control of this aspect that was causing me panic and have learned a great way to use my tools to fight and keep going forward. 

Through feeling like I was finally more in control and was finally driving the bus (or car) instead of letting my anxiety drive the bus, I felt able to do things I haven’t felt ready for in a while. I’ve been wanting to volunteer with a mental health organization for a while now and was supposed to start a couple of weeks ago but then slipped into a down point and just couldn’t do it. Well, last Wednesday I was finally able to volunteer with them at one of their events! I would love to sit here and tell you that I did it with no problem but I would be lying. I did have a panic attack on the way there, even though I was driving, BUT this time I was able to push through it and make it to the event to volunteer for two and a half hours. I felt so proud of myself and ready to conquer the next obstacle. 

I’ve felt a shift in my perspective and belief in myself lately. Instead of panicking and not wanting to do anything but turn around and go home, aborting whatever mission I was on, I’ve now been able to tap into the part of me that wants to fight the panic and do what I set out to do. This is all so new to me and honestly slightly terrifying, but I’m trying to stay present in the moment and focus on how incredibly good I feel and not fear how long it is going to last. 

How have you been feeling lately? I would love to hear how you’ve been doing, good or bad! Send me a message/comment/email whatever you want and let’s chat.

Until next time. 💜

So I’ve been in this kind of weird place lately, where I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff trying to jump across to safety, but in a good way. Crazy right? Let me explain. I’ve come to the point where it feels like I’m ready to take a big leap in my progress, and through working on conquering these panic attacks that have moved from my mind to my body, I should be moving into the direction of connecting my mind and body and handling my anxiety with more ease. I’m not quite there yet but I can feel it coming, so that’s where I get that feeling of standing on the edge of a cliff. I’m preparing to jump, but I’m not quite ready yet, because I haven’t finished building up my tools to believe that I can successfully make the jump without letting myself fall. I don’t really know if this makes sense to any of you out there, but when my therapist and I had a conversation about this I felt that it perfectly described the unease but hope I am feeling. The best thing I can do for this right now is be gentle on myself and build up that feeling of trust between my mind and body, so I know that if anything goes wrong I will be there to catch myself and keep myself safe. It’s also, in a way, jumping from the cliff of being a child to the cliff of being an adult, because this is the step where I’m really going to be jumping away from the safety of my parents taking care of me and into the comfort of knowing I can take care of myself. It honestly seems so scary, but I know my body wouldn’t be bringing these feelings up if it wasn’t the next step for me to take. 

I have to apologize once again for being so MIA lately. I had an exciting volunteer opportunity that I was really focused on and then my body caught some type of stomach bug that has caused me to do nothing but relax and reset the past few days. Along with this I had no idea what I wanted to write about. I had multiple ideas but nothing was taking form in my mind and I always feel like I can’t post my thoughts until they are these grand posts of wisdom and experience. I know that’s a little ridiculous but, hey, it’s what happens in my mind. Anyways, I thought I would catch you all up on what’s been going on and what I’m trying to really focus on. 

As I said earlier, I had an exciting volunteer opportunity come up. Well actually, I made it happen, which is also super exciting. Through therapy and getting to know myself better, I’ve developed a more clear vision of what I want to do with my life and one night I was searching the internet when I couldn’t sleep and found a volunteer opportunity that fit exactly that. I sent in my application without hesitation and quickly found myself setting up a meeting at the organization in person. I was so excited during all this that I had no time to get nervous or even really process what I was doing. Then about two days before, the nerves hit. I kept going back and forth between “this is a horrible idea” and “this is a great idea”. I’m happy to say that I attended the meeting, fell even more in love with the organization and this opportunity, and i start volunteering next week! This is not to say that all this came easy, but somehow I found the power to push through my nerves, because this was something I really wanted to do. 

After that success I thought I was going to stick to this positive note and find even more successes. I was wrong, however, when a couple of days later I tried to go out with my parents to take some pictures and quickly found myself spiraling into panic mode. The weird thing, though, was that I wasn’t actually nervous, but I was getting so worked up over the fact that I wasn’t having anxiety that I ended up causing my own anxiety. Confusing right? This is pretty much the basis of panic disorder. You panic over the fear of panicking. In my mind I was completely okay, I mean the whole outing was my idea, but my body was waiting to panic and was so confused as to why it wasn’t happening that I ended up freaking out, even thought I knew there was nothing to worry about. This brings me to the title of this post and what I’m trying to focus on right now–connecting my mind and body. 

All this time I’ve spent making relationships with emotions and learning strategies to deal with my anxiety and depression has been great and I see huge progress, but it has almost 100% been mental. I’ve pushed my body to the side to focus on my mind. Whether this was lack of exercise, because it made my heart rate rise and that made me panic, or even just something on the more simple side, my body wasn’t part of the equation. However, since my anxiety was consuming all of my time and energy this didn’t really matter. Who has time to exercise when it’s going to be a battle of convincing yourself that your body is reacting normally and is not indeed having a panic attack? Not me, that’s for sure. Now that I have a little bit of a better grip on my anxiety and am willing to try more things, my body is standing up for itself and wanting the same attention that I gave my mind. I don’t know if this makes sense (it definitely makes more sense when my therapist explains it) but this is something I truly feel is happening to me. I feel I need to take the next step to bring my body and mind together and have them on the same page. This way, when I start telling myself that I’m okay, my body will understand and won’t self sabotage and start panicking. How do I get my mind and body to be on the same page? Well this is what I don’t exactly know. One of the most common ways to do this according to my therapist is by mindfulness activities such as meditation. I don’t know about you but I really struggle with meditation, so I’m trying to figure out something that might help me until I am ready to conquer meditation. I’m going to start out by checking in with my body the same way I did my mind and let it know that I hear it and I will take care of it. I know that this won’t solve my problems, though, and that it is only the first step but I think it is the right step for me to take right now. 

Do any of you have any practices for connecting your mind and body? I would love to hear them! I am open to all suggestions as I try to figure out what works best for me. 

Until next time. 💜 

Although it has become quite obvious to me that I have been struggling with anxiety my whole life, I always say that my current journey started from not knowing how to grieve. Who knows if this is true or not but as someone who likes to have answers it was easier for me to have something to blame. It’s hard because as a perfectionist I imagine there to be some sore of guideline for everything in life including grieving, but as we all know that’s not a thing. Everyone grieves differently, everyone handles loss differently, and even if you have a grip on it somehow it manages to still sneak up on you at the most random of times. 

I just want to start off by apologizing for my lack of new posts in the last couple of weeks. I’ve been feeling a tad bit lost (more so than normal) but just haven’t been able to figure out why. I didn’t know how to write about it so I just didn’t (so sorry!). However, now I feel like I’ve gotten a little bit of an understanding on why I’ve been feeling the way I’ve been feeling and am ready to share it with you all. 

For the most part, after my start of the year slump I’ve been doing great. I began really healing from my grief instead of being stuck in the processing stage. I’ve been able to bounce back from my low dips faster than ever and I’ve felt an underlying feeling of hope. Not all days I feel hopeful, probably not even most days, but it is there underneath my emotions which is so nice to feel. As I keep progressing, though, I’ve found myself irritated, on edge, and above all scared. I can’t help but get frustrated over this because why am I feeling this way when I’m making the progress I’ve been working so hard for. My therapist and I have had a great couple of conversations about this and I’ve finally realized what’s happening. I’m lost in the fear of getting better. This sounds so crazy to me because this is what I’ve always wanted, to get back to a point where I can live the life I want. So why then, when it seems more possible than ever, am I blocking it out because “I’m scared”? 

There are a few reasons this is happening. The obvious one (not at first to me at least) is that change brings fear. Whether it is a big change or a little change most human beings have some type of nerves surrounding this. Not only am I working towards some big changes, such as finding a job, being more independent, moving out (someday), these changes aren’t going to happen without some personal changes as well. I have to continue to make changes in the relationships with my emotions and the way I handle life. I’m a different person than I was a year ago and I will continue to grow and change the more I progress, which is a good thing. As welcomed as it is, though, it is honestly absolutely terrifying! 

The next reason I’ve been feeling so scared about progressing is that I’m comfortable. I have become so comfortable in my therapy bubble (any Crazy Ex-girlfriend fans out there??) that the idea of not having that brings about fear. Right now my only responsibility, for the most part, is to take care of myself and build my tool kit that will help me get back in the real world. What happens, though, when I’m back in the real world? Will my tool kit still work? Will I have time to take care of myself? Will I be able to still grow these relationships with my emotions and not just push them away again the moment I get busy? I’ve grown the ability to handle my anxiety and depression a decent amount of the time lately, but that’s the only thing I’ve really had to do. It’s scary to trust that I’ll be able to handle these things along with the pressure of being a “normal human being”. 

The last reason for now is something that has always been an underlying issue for me. For some reason I think that once I “get better” I won’t be able to ask for help anymore. Don’t ask me why my brain thinks this, because I honestly can’t even really explain it. There’s some part of me, though, that thinks that once I become independent then I won’t be able to ask for help no matter how big the problem is. I know this mainly comes from a lack of trust in myself that I’ll be able to handle things, but it’s still something that often adds to my fear. 

So this is where I’ve been at lately, this weird mix of positive progression and crippling fear of that same progression. I’m taking things one baby step at a time but still feel a bit lost. Has anyone else ever felt this way? I would love to hear your experience and how you kept the fear from making all your decisions. 

Until next time. 💜

Happy 1st anniversary to Dancing Through Anxiety! I can’t believe it but today marks one year since I published my first blog post!! It’s crazy to think that I have been publishing my thoughts for you all to read for an entire year now. When I first thought of starting a blog I thought that I would maybe make a few posts and a few people would read it. I’ve made 38 posts (not quite one a week but I’ll take it) and have had readers from all over the world. I have found so much help and healing from writing these posts and connecting with other people in similar situations or people wanting to support those in similar situations. Am I where I thought I would be at this point in time? Absolutely not. Am I learning to be okay with that? Absolutely. 

I’ve finally entered a part in my mental health recovery that I feel like I am finally healing from my grief, I have somewhat of a grip on my anxiety/depression, and am hopeful and encouraged that I will one day lead the life that I have always envisioned for myself. I honestly mean it when I say none of this would be possible without all of you. When I started my blog I never imagined the community I would build that I could reach out to for support any time I needed it and lend support to as well. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you that read my posts. Thank you for your encouragement, your belief in me, your empathy, and your love. You all inspire me and help me want to keep on fighting. Thank you doesn’t even seem like a strong enough phrase to express my gratitude but I hope you all truly understand how much of an impact you have made on my life. I love you all and can’t wait to continue this journey of blogging with you! 😊

Until next time. 💜

So as you all most likely know by now things haven’t been going so well for me. I just recently in about the last week have been starting to feel myself make my way back to where I was before my January and part of February low point. I want to do a post about the healing I’ve been feeling this January compared with times in the past but I’m not quite ready to write that, so instead I thought I would write a little bit about how I survived my down point. The most important thing I could do was stay busy but since I was feeling depressed I had to find ways to stay busy within the comfort of my home. These activities needed to be simple enough to do in a depressed state of mind but also entertaining enough to distract me and make me want to do them. I thought I would share some of the hobbies that worked for me with you all. 

• Reading: I am an avid reader so this is usually my go to activity. It gets me out of the craziness that can be my mind for a while but it doesn’t require any physical activity so it is the perfect choice for me when I’m feeling depressed but also determined to do something.