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Fed Up

So January has not gotten any easier for me, thank goodness it’s over tomorrow! I know, I know, just the start of a different month. Name isn’t going to automatically solve all my problems, but it’s a nice addition. I have to apologize really quick to those of you that follow the Instagram for my blog because I haven’t been very active on there. I try to keep an uplifting theme on there and here, because even though mental illness is tough I still try to be a positive version of it as much as possible and that hasn’t been easy for me this month at all. So I find myself pulling away from everyone instead of talking about it. 


Going off of that trying to be positive note I always try to find something beneficial from my anxiety and what’s going on in my life (as much as possible when my brain is constantly lying to me). I can even tell you positive things that have come from my panic attacks and what I’ve learned going forward. This month, however, everything is completely different. When I talk to my therapist I can agree that there is some positive things coming from this month of struggle, but other than that hour talking to her things have had a pretty negative outlook for me and I’m tired of it. 

I’m fed up. I’m fed up with my anxiety and depression. I’m fed up with the fact that I can be fine for months and then feel like I’ve never learned anything. I’m fed up with the fact that my tool bag of tricks doesn’t always work. I’m fed up with having to accept the fact that sometimes you’re just not okay and that’s okay. I’m fed up with January because I have had more panic attacks and consumed more Xanax this month than I have in the past six months combined. I’m fed up with crying almost every day. I’m fed up with having to cancel plans. I’m fed up with feeling stuck, lost, broken. I’m fed up with feeling like I have no control. 

If you didn’t gather, I’m feeling pretty fed up. Feeling fed up with my mental illness isn’t a new thing for me but I can usually manage it pretty well and squash it to a healthy version of frustration. I’m trying to channel this frustration into motivation like I normally try to do, but honestly at this point I’m just trying to not be mad at myself all the time. I actually hate writing this all out to the public because I hate admitting when I’m struggling this much. It’s hard when everything is going good and then it’s like I’ve never dealt with this before, but this is what’s happening. How do you explain to people that have seen you be okay for many months that all of sudden you can’t stop panicking? Yeah, there are reasons this is happening, but a month ago I could successfully fight it. This is my life right now and when I started this blog I promised to share the good and the bad, luckily for me it’s been majority positive but unfortunately that is not always going to be the case. 

I know this is only a minor bump in the road and in a few weeks I’ll be okay and back on track, but that still doesn’t change the fact that this is how I strongly feel right now. I’m just not feeling okay and even though I’m aware of that and the reasons why it’s happening, it doesn’t make it any easier. If any of you out there are going through a rough patch please know that you’re not alone and I am 100% here if you need to talk. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, I’ve spent a lot of time this month becoming okay with asking for help and trying not to apologize too much after I’ve asked (still working on this one). Shout out to my parents who I literally have had to wake up at 4 am because I am panicking and need to not be alone. For anyone who wants to help but doesn’t know how, just remind the people in your life that may be struggling that you’re here for them and love them and won’t hate them if they have to cancel plans (this is what I think all the time, that people will hate me for essentially having anxiety). 

If you’ve made it this far thanks for reading this post even though it’s a little more on the negative side. I appreciate you all more than I will ever be able to put into words. 

Until next time. 💜
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Grief & New Traditions

So if you’ve been following along with my blog or social media you’ve probably seen that I’ve been having a hard time lately.  January and also sometimes into February tend to be a hard time for me in general, so although this wasn’t completely unexpected, it still sucks. Between becoming a year older, starting a new year, birthday anniversaries of loved ones I’ve lost along with their death anniversaries, it’s been tough for me to not feel sad all the time. I’ve just felt reminded of how much my life has changed and in some cases how it is not at all where I expected I would be or even where I want to be. Then you add on to that all the grief that comes with remembering loved ones who are no longer with me and the struggle becomes even worse.

Grief is such a difficult concept for me because there is not a right and wrong way to grieve. As a business major, perfectionist, and gold personality, I strive in environments that have guidelines and right ways to do things. So you can just imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with emotions that are constantly changing and evolving, especially grief. When we think of grieving we automatically associate it with negative feelings and for obvious reasons. It’s what we do when things go wrong, whether it’s the death of someone we love or even just not getting that job we really wanted. I think that because it has such a negative connotation so many of us are afraid of feeling it, I know I am at least. Why would I want to sit down and grieve knowing that I’m signing up to sit down and be sad? I know, I know, that’s not how it works but that’s what it feels like. This is why I’ve always pushed it away. It also doesn’t help that I tend to compare myself to others. It’s been a couple of years since I went through my cycle of tough losses, so why am I still grieving and struggling? I know people who have gone through much more recent losses and they seem fine. Well, for starters, I really don’t know if they’re fine I’m just making assumptions based on surface level interactions, which is the first thing I’m doing wrong. Secondly, grief is a process and since I pushed away my emotions so much at the beginning it’s going to take me a while to heal. I have to first acknowledge these emotions and then work on coping with them. I need to let them happen before I can even begin to process them, because I previously just acted and tried to convince myself that everything was okay.
So how do you even begin to process grief, right? Well I don’t have all the answers because I’m still learning myself, but I would love to start the conversation. Grief is something I’ve currently been working on with my therapist and I’m realizing it’s so much more than being sad that someone is no longer here or things didn’t go exactly as planned, or in my case both. Grieving is remembering the good times and the bad, the positive and the negative. For example, this Monday would have been my grandpa’s birthday and I was really struggling. I wanted to remember him but I also didn’t want to invite in those sad feelings of loss when I was already in such a fragile state. My therapist helped me with this in two different ways. The first was figuring out why this is a loss I’m struggling with so much. Besides the fact that he was my grandpa and my last living grandparent, there was so much more. If we’re lucky, and I consider myself to have been among the luckiest if I do say so myself, our grandparents are almost like these magical beings in our life. They are like fairy godparents, for instance. Our relationship with them is for the most part all good. They step in when you’re annoyed with your parents or your parents are annoyed with you. They give the best hugs and they always know the right thing to say. They are the ultimate authority, because I mean they’re your parents’ parents so they have to be right. You create this bond full of so much love and goodness with them and it’s a bond that you will never be able to create with someone else. Your parents can’t fill that bond because as much as we love them (hey mom and dad) they see us for the good and the not so good. We fight, we argue, we annoy, and of course we love, but it’s entirely different than that sacred relationship we have with our grandparents. For me, I was not only grieving the loss of my grandpa and not getting to celebrate his birthday with him anymore, but I was still struggling to fully process the loss of never getting to experience that grandparent relationship on earth again. Wow, no wonder I pushed my grieving away because that’s a lot to process! In recognizing this, though, it’s helped me realize that this is not something one just gets over and grieving really is a process that truly takes time.

The second thing my therapist helped me realize is that grieving and remembering doesn’t have to be sad. What? I know, right, it’s kind of mind-blowing. We tend to focus so much on the fact that they’re gone that we forget all the good years we had with them (or at least I do). I mean people always say remember the good times, be thankful for the time you had with them, and at the moment you’re internally thinking “please shut up because they’re gone and I’m sad”, but those people are so right. This is how we start to really process grief, I think. We need to move from the fact that they’re no longer here because we can’t control that, but we can control remembering them in the positive light that we want to. I know it’s easier said than done and it’s not going to happen overnight but this is what I’m really going to try to do moving forward. My mom and I started a new tradition this Monday to help us try and grieve and remember in a positive way. We decided that when it is the birthday of someone we have lost, that instead of walking on eggshells and trying to figure out if we bring it up and talk about them and let ourselves feel sad or if we just act like it’s another day, we are going to make a meal that reminds us of them. This way, we aren’t just letting the day pass but we are also choosing to remember the happy moments from either eating that meal with them or knowing how much they loved it, to help us remember them with a smile instead of with painful tears. (Although happy tears are always a good thing.) Making a meal seems like such a simple thing but I can tell you that it helped me so much on Monday to make that meal in honor of my grandpa and for the first time in a while I remembered him without only feeling sad that he is gone.

Wow, this was a long one so thanks for sticking with me! I would love to hear what you have learned when it comes to trying to handle grief. Do you do any traditions to remember your loved ones? This is all so new to me to actually process these emotions in a healthy way instead of crying myself to sleep when no one is around, so I would to hear any and all thoughts on the subject!

Until next time. 💜 
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Surviving the Dark Days

So unfortunately for about the past week or so I have found myself in a not so great place. Depression, anxiety, panic -they’ve all come to visit in full force. It’s the worst it’s been in a while and even though I have an idea of why they are coming out to play, it still doesn’t make it any easier. In fact, it actually makes it harder for me. I tend to be a perfectionist in life, so I always want answers. I’ve been learning through this journey that having answers to why something is happening doesn’t always help. I thought that once I knew what my triggers were I would be able to control my mental health from getting too out of control, I mean, when you know you have a broken arm you get a cast and rehab it and everything works out. This isn’t the same though and that frustrates me so much. I know why I’m in a low point and I know my tricks that usually help me get through it, but it’s still winning. I can see the problem but I can’t fully fight it. Needless to say I have been a frustrated person, along with feeling really down, so basically I’ve been a really fun person to be around.
I’ve had to learn that sometimes my solutions won’t work and that has to be okay. I’ve had to learn that as much as I want to take care of myself sometimes the only way to do that is by asking for help. I’ve had to learn that sometimes it really just is about surviving and knowing that this low point will pass, but I just have to go along for the ride. It’s been some tough days for me, full of doubt, sadness, anger, guilt, and every other emotion on the board, except for happiness. I’m trying to keep myself distracted and latch on to the positive moments when they come because I’ve grown enough to know that they will come and this will pass. This low point isn’t a moment that defines my journey but just a roadblock in my progress. I know this doesn’t mean I have to start completely over on my healing, as much as it may feel like it, and that there are actually positives and lessons I can take away from this experience, which is what I’m trying to remember and focus on. At the end of the day I’m just trying to hold a megaphone up to the part of my brain telling me it knows I will make it through this and hope each day gets better.
If any of you out there have any advice for how you survive those dark days I would love to hear it/talk about it. For now I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes that I currently have on repeat:

Until next time. 💜 
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Happy New Year

Happy New Year friends! I don’t know about you but I can’t believe it’s already a new year, how did this happen?! I hope you all enjoyed this holiday season and got to create some new wonderful memories.
The new year and also just the month of January in general tends to cause me to fall into a post-holiday depression. I feel overwhelmed with the pressure to create goals and start new, but at the same time I enjoy the ability to hit refresh and try to find new motivation.
Every new year I tend to set a bunch of unrealistic and very specific goals for myself and then forget about them after a few weeks because they weren’t possible to reach. Then I end up getting upset and feeling like a failure for not meeting them, but in reality I almost set myself up for failure without realizing I was doing it. Lately I’ve been trying to be more patient with myself, especially while currently feeling a bit down right now, so I decided to approach this new year a little differently when it comes to setting a goal for the year. Instead of setting a bunch of goals that aren’t really attainable for me at this point in time, I’ve decided to set just one overall main goal that can be made up by smaller goals along the way.
So this is my goal for 2018:
To be a healthier version of myself both mentally and physically.
This is a goal that I can turn into different things throughout the year as I grow and change. To start off the year it’s going to be baby steps for me and then evolve as I become more capable of things. Like I said, I’m finding myself in a post-holiday blues because between the letdown after the holidays, my birthday reminding me I’m a year older, and the new year reminding me that I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in time, I really needed to set a goal that was realistic and already something I wanted to work on.
How are you all feeling about this new year? Are you pro resolutions or don’t set any? If you do make resolutions what are some of yours? I would love to hear your opinion on resolutions and the new year in the comments below or on my social media. I hope 2018 is off to a great start for you all and I’m looking forward to sharing new content with you this year!

Until next time. 💜 
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Holiday Gift Guide

With 12 days left until Christmas it’s officially crunch time. If you have someone in your life who didn’t make a present wish list you may be struggling to think of something they would like. I decided to make a holiday gift guide comprising of gifts I think someone who is fighting a mental illness may enjoy (or anyone else honestly). I know that finding the perfect gift for someone is my favorite part of the holiday season so, hopefully these ideas can inspire you and help check names off of your list!

  • Books – Sometimes the best thing to do on a tough day is curl up with a good book and escape reality for a little bit. For anyone in your life who is struggling I highly recommend a book by Jenny Lawson. If you’re just looking for a good book in general I would check out Kate Morton’s books or A Southern Haunting Book Series. You can find book one here on Amazon. 
  • Adult Coloring Books – These are honestly so stress relieving. It may seem silly at first sitting down to color when you’re not a child but it can be very therapeutic. There are tons of great coloring books out there you can find based on what your loved one likes but if you’re looking for one that donates to a good cause in the process check out color for the kids.
  • Candles – A soothing candle can be a great help to keep someone grounded and relaxed. Check out these candles made with the purpose to help promote positive mental health. 
  • Positivity Pack – I have yet to try one of these but think they are such a great idea. It’s a pack made with the mission to make your loved one smile. You can check them out online here.
  • Inspirational Jewelry –  Anything with an inspirational quote is a good idea in my book especially when I can wear it and take a positive reminder everywhere with me. Mantrabands are a super cute option, you can check these out online here. I also love bravelets, which can be found here.
  • Journal – I know people who like writing tend to already have a journal of their own so you could consider getting them a guided journal to go along with their every day thoughts. My personal favorite is this one.
  • Something heartfelt – I know super vague right? However, if you’re loved one is fighting a mental illness there’s a good chance they tend to feel like a burden to the people in their life (speaking from experience here). A note reminding them how much you care along with a framed picture of the two of you or something that reminds you of them could go a long way.
I just love Christmas time and hope that these ideas may help you with your shopping. None of these are sponsored products of any kind they are just things that I genuinely like and think others like me may enjoy as well. If you have any ideas to add the list, let me know and I would love to share them as well. I hope you all are having a happy holiday season! 

Until next time. 💚💗
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Progress Update

Wow I don’t know about for you but for me it feels like FOREVER since I have posted on my blog! I super apologize! I was on vacation the week of Thanksgiving enjoying time with family and then after I came back I took a bit of a mental vacation to help ensure that I wouldn’t fall into a post-vacation depression. So much has been going on these past couple weeks and still is, especially with Christmas coming up. I’ve had good days and bad days and everything in between but I feel like I’m overall in a pretty good place and have been making continuous forward progress. That’s what I wanted to share today: two big things that have happened to me over this time that have really helped me understand just how far I have come and that my hard work is worth it. I have been working on both of these things since I started therapy a year and a half ago. You read that right, a YEAR AND A HALF ago and I’m just starting to fully understand and see those concepts come to life. If that isn’t proof that working on yourself takes time and patience then I don’t know what will.
The first thing happened while I was on vacation in NorCal during Thanksgiving break and honestly didn’t even realize I was doing it until looking back at our trip. Up until recently, spur of the moment wasn’t a phrase I used in my vocabulary. Anytime I wanted to do anything I had to think if it was something I could handle, what my plan would be to make it through, what steps can I take to ensure the best chance of making it through, what’s my backup plan, and most importantly what’s my escape plan. All of these things had to be considered and figured out along with evaluating my mood, the environment, the time, and a plethora of other factors. It was exhausting and I’m not saying I don’t ever do this anymore, but when it happens it’s still exhausting. It’s also annoying. Sometimes I would rather just not do anything because it was easier than going through all these steps for a two hour outing. I didn’t trust myself and my tools to just make it through a situation if things got bad for me, so I had to make these plans.
Well, in NorCal I definitely went with the flow for an entire week. We did tons of fun activities and outings that a couple of months ago I have no idea if I would have been able to handle, but that I was able to handle this time with ease. Not only that, I didn’t even think of making my plans. I just went and knew that if something went wrong I could handle it. I trusted myself and my body enough to know when I needed to slow down or take a break, and because of that I was able to do what I wanted to and actually enjoy it instead of constantly checking in with myself. It was such a wonderful feeling. I wasn’t constantly worrying and planning making me spend my time not even enjoying what I was doing. I felt so normal and capable and truly hope that I continue to hold on to this and move away from the days of constant planning and worrying for simple events.
The second thing happened this past weekend and it took me talking about it with my therapist to realize that it was a positive experience. On Saturday morning my parents and I headed to the Harvest Festival in Pomona, which is a craft fair we like to go to every year around Christmas time. I was really looking forward to it and handled the drive and entering the fair with ease. After walking through the first row I started to feel a little off from all the people and the hot temperature. I was able to go outside for a little air and figured I just needed a quick break and then I would be back on my feet. Boy was I wrong. I quickly spiraled into the worst panic attack I have had in a while. I started going through all my tools and tricks but nothing was working. The more things didn’t work that usually help, the more I panicked. The only thing that was going to help was to leave but I didn’t want to leave, plus my Dad had gone to get me a Sprite and the car was parked about a mile away, so leaving right away wasn’t even an option. I felt trapped, scared, and out of control. We eventually got a cart to take us back to our car, but not before they brought the medic to me and I yelled at him to stop doing his job because it was only making things worse (don’t worry, I apologized once I calmed down a little bit). By the time we got to the car I was exhausted, embarrassed, and feeling guilty.
Then Monday came along and I talked to my therapist about all this and she was actually proud of me. She helped me see things in a new perspective. This panic attack was a ten and that’s okay. It’s okay that sometimes the only answer is to leave, but as much as I felt out of control I was actually completely in control of the situation. Usually when I have a panic attack we use the analogy that my anxiety is driving the bus and I’m just a passenger holding on for dear life. This time, however, I was driving the bus and calling the shots. I knew why I was panicking, I knew what tools and tricks to try, I knew when they weren’t working no matter how hard I tried and I needed to leave, I knew that having the medic evaluate me would only push me back into a panic when I was starting to finally calm down, and I knew that in this moment it was going to have to be okay that I was not okay. I know this probably sounds so simple but this was a huge step for me, I was taking care of myself in the moment instead of relying on others to fix my problem. Not only did I take control during my panic attack, but I also took control of my recovery. After I have a panic attack or a bad moment I usually feel that I don’t deserve to recover quickly. I almost punish myself for panicking because I feel that I have to prove to everyone that I really wasn’t okay. This time was different though and instead I wanted to prove that I had a panic attack and that was okay, but I’m going to move on and keep going, which is what I did when I attended a paint night later that evening (after a three hour nap) that I had already scheduled and paid for. At the end of the day, obviously I would have preferred not to have a panic attack, especially one that bad, but I’m thankful that I have been able to flip my perspective and turn this into a positive learning lesson and a chance to grow.

All in all I feel that these past couple of weeks for me have signified huge growth. I’m finally able to put concepts I have been talking about for a year and half into actions and things seem to be clicking in the right way. I know that my work is never done and there’s still so much growth I want to accomplish but I’m trying to take a moment and appreciate how far I’ve come. I would love to hear any types of goals or growth you have accomplished these past couple weeks as well, feel free to share in the comments so we can celebrate together! 

Until next time. 💜
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Problem and Solution

From the very beginning of my official diagnosis of anxiety, along with my other issues, I’ve always said the hardest thing is knowing that I’m the problem and the solution, but not knowing how to fix it. It’s such a defeating feeling knowing that everything you need to overcome an issue lies within you, but still not being able to get better. Why am I stopping myself from being okay? Why am I self-sabotaging and telling myself I can’t do something that I know I can? Obviously, over time I’ve learned that I’m not consciously telling myself to not be okay, but that’s what my brain tells me. I have this image in my mind that it should be as easy as snapping my fingers to find the solution to my anxiety. I know I know, you can laugh with me on that one, because I know there is not a solution to my anxiety, it’s more learning how to live with my anxiety and dance with it, creating a relationship.
During my therapy session on Monday, we realized that I have been working with my current therapist for a year and a half now. Don’t even get me started on how fast time flies, but a year and a half later and I’m still struggling with this same concept that I’ve been struggling with since the start. If that’s not an example of having to be patient and really take time to get to know yourself in order to live a better life, then I don’t know what is.
I’ve been wanting to write about this topic since I’ve started this blog, but didn’t know what to say besides complaining on how I can’t fix myself. Well this weekend I had a revelation on this topic, a light switch went off in my head. I took the first steps to being the problem and the solution for myself in a healthy way. On Sunday, after an exhausting two days of Miss Garden Grove pageant work, we decided to go out to lunch for an early birthday celebration for my younger brother. Less than five minutes away from the restaurant I went into panic mode. My body was telling me I couldn’t breathe and that I wasn’t going to be able to make it through the lunch and that the only thing I could do to be okay was to get someone to drive me home right away. Herein lies the problem. Now, I was also thinking I don’t want to mess up this birthday lunch and take a parent away from it with me, but in times past those same feelings wouldn’t matter. Once I started panicking I needed to go home to be okay. This time, however, was different. We got to the parking lot of the restaurant and I was able to sit in the car for a few minutes and talk myself through this. I knew I was exhausted, I also knew that sitting and eating would probably help me more than sitting in the car for another twenty minutes to get home. I knew I had the option to leave if I really needed to and I knew that I wanted to be there. This was my solution. Addressing why I was panicking, creating a plan, and then acting it out knowing that if it didn’t work it wouldn’t be the end of the  world if I truly needed to go home. It did work out, thankfully, but that’s not the point of this post. This whole episode of panic to being okay took place in maximum ten minutes. This is a huge deal for me. I didn’t rely on my parents to fix me and I didn’t jump on the feelings of running away being the only answer. I had a problem and I fixed it, ON MY OWN. I know this sounds so simple, but you guys don’t understand how huge this is for me. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can do this, I can get to a point where I am living the life I want to live even with my anxiety and depression. I can take care of myself through the good and the bad.

I know that just because I had this happen once doesn’t mean I’m set for life but I’m hoping to hold on to this feeling and motivation to remind myself the next time that I may be the problem but I am also the solution and I can do anything I want to. You can do anything you want to too. I believe in me and I believe in you. We can do this.

Until next time. 💜

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Happy November

Happy November friends! November officially starts the holiday season in my mind and this is one of my favorite times of year. Between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my birthday I enjoy getting to spend so much time with my loved ones and creating new memories. November especially is a time to give thanks for our lives and what makes them special. I’ll be honest with you though most days it is very hard for me to focus on the positive and not the negative, but like I mentioned in my last post I am trying to focus more on what makes me happy and living in the moment. I think November and the holidays are the perfect time for this and am hoping the holiday spirit will help me be able to find the positive in all aspects of my life. I’m personally going to participate in the 30 days of thankfulness whether it’s in my blog, social media, or personally in my journal. I really want to spend this month focusing on what I am grateful for and learning to appreciate even the smallest things, hoping that doing this will help me find my true happiness going forward. If you would like to join me in doing this for November I would love to hear some things you are thankful for if you feel like sharing. I’m going to kick it off and share what I’ve decided to focus being thankful on for today.
I’m thankful for:
  • The love and support of my family and friends through the good times but especially for sticking with me through the bad
  • My cat who somehow always knows when I need an extra cuddle
  • My therapist who always makes me feel validated and normal (I know it’s her job but still)

I know these first few days will be easy for me because there are obvious things I’m thankful for but I’m honestly nervous to keep this going for an entire month, but I am up for the challenge!
I hope you all had a Happy Halloween and have a great start to the holiday season!

Until next time. 💛
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What Makes You Happy?

The other day I was talking to my therapist and she asked me something along the lines of what makes you happy? Later in the day, I was still thinking about this and thought maybe it would be a good topic to write about some day. That night, I started watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend and in the first episode the main character changes her life after seeing an ad for butter that asks what makes you happy. After watching this, I knew it was a sign that this was a topic I needed to write about. So here we go.
It’s such a simple question, but at the same time it’s such a difficult one to answer. As I think about it, I can think of many things that make me happy: reading, writing, hanging out with my family, friends and cat, cross-stitching, among other things. Then I started thinking, is this really what this question is asking? I mean all those things do make me happy, but it’s an in-the-moment happiness that goes away when I finish the activity. Not that these things aren’t important, and this happiness isn’t important as well, but what makes me truly happy in a lasting way? What makes me feel like a better person? What makes me smile and continues to make me smile? Hanging with my family, friends, and cat is something that definitely does this, but then what can I do on my own that gives me lasting happiness? How can I create this good-for-my-soul happiness?

Then my mind took a whole different turn. Maybe I was overthinking happiness, and instead of questioning what makes me happy I should just do things and see what happens. Then I was even more confused, and I still am. Happiness is honestly such a weird concept to me and I don’t even really know where to go to resolve all of this. I’m starting to learn that I think happiness comes in the moments where my worry goes away. I think that I struggle so much with this  concept right now because my definition is changing and what makes me happy is also changing.

I volunteer for the Miss Garden Grove Organization, being in charge of the princess program. I can honestly say when I’m working with these princesses I am truly happy. It doesn’t matter what type of week I’m having, what my brain is telling me, what I’m worrying about, when I walk in and get to work with these girls everything goes away and I enjoy the moment. Maybe my problem with finding what makes me truly happy is that I am rarely living in the moment because I am constantly in worry. I think that if I were able to better live in the moment than I could start finding happiness in more things and hopefully become an all-around happier person.
I used to think that when it came to my career I just wanted to be the boss lady, that it didn’t really matter what I was doing as long as I was a strong successful business woman. I am starting to realize how incredibly wrong I was. I now know that I want to help people in life. That it doesn’t matter if I’m the boss or not, I’ll be happy as long as I am helping others and making a difference.

I went to bed last night without posting this because I just wasn’t quite sure if I was satisfied with this post. Then when I woke up this morning I opened my daily quote app and found this quote from Fredrick Koeing and realized this is exactly what my post was missing.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather or recognizing and appreciating what we do have.”


So this is where I’m at right now. Trying to figure out how to find happiness in all things big and small. If you have any advice or comments on the topic, or just want to chat please don’t hesitate to reach out whether I know you or don’t. 

Until next time. 💜

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How Do We Process Tragedy?

I know there are a lot of people like me out there who are still trying to process the tragic events that have recently taken place. From the Las Vegas shooting to the California fires, not to mention all the other things that aren’t directly affecting me, there is so much sadness in our world right now. I am really struggling with how to process it all, especially the shooting. I know we all process things differently but I’m still hoping we can help each other out, because I for one don’t even know where to start. How do you even begin to process something that doesn’t feel real? How do we process something that we will never understand why it happened? How do we process something we will never really have the answers for? How do we do it?
I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been processing everything and handling it to the best of my ability, but honestly I’m beginning to think these are just empty thoughts. Thinking these things and fully feeling them with your body are two completely different things. It’s scary though, at least for me. Processing these events means fully admitting that they happened and there isn’t really anything we can do about it. They are so sad and we have to feel that sadness in order to move forward. I’m scared to feel that sadness and fear because what if I slip into a depression? At the same time though I know how healthy it is to grieve and feel my true feelings in the moment, instead of pushing them away because it’s easier to not deal with them.
Then there’s the whole issue I feel about not even being there. Why is it so hard for me to process this event that I wasn’t even at? I should be the one being there for the people in my life who were there and those who suffered loss, but I can’t even get a grip on my own feelings? Since I do go to therapy, I feel that is my time to discuss my feelings and all other times I need to be strong. I’m not feeling strong though. I’m feeling scared and sad and helpless. As bad as I feel, I know others have it worse and, therefore, I don’t feel that my feelings are valid, which makes processing it that much harder. How do you process feelings that you don’t even feel you are allowed to have?
This is such a confusing and difficult time for all of us and I just want to say if you are struggling you are 100% not alone. We are all in this together. I would love to talk to anyone about this because I feel that sharing our emotions is a great first step to healing. I’m sending so much love to everyone who is struggling, everyone who has been affected by the recent events that have taken place, and just everyone in general because I feel the world could use a little more love right now.

Until next time. 💜