Category: Uncategorized

Posted on by

Heartbroken for Vegas

I’m still, like so many others, trying to process what happened in Vegas last night. It seems so unreal that someone would want to hurt and kill so many innocent people. I was just hanging out on Sunday night when I opened my Facebook and saw a friend post that she was okay but she was next to someone who had been shot. I had no idea what was going on and quickly took to Twitter and turned on the news. I was immediately enveloped in fear, terror, and sickness. Why, why, why? How? I can’t grasp it. I stayed up for hours watching and reading coverage. My heart broke over and over again. It broke for everyone there who was part of this tragedy whether they were witnesses, injured, or tragically lost their lives. It broke for the loved ones of the concert goers. It broke for the city of Vegas. It broke for our world. 


My heart also broke for the mental heath world trying to break the stigma. This was a terrorist attack plain and simple in my opinion. I write this blog proudly wearing my label of suffering from a mental illness but after last night my fear has grown to so much more than a fear of crowds. I’m scared people will group those with a mental illness in with this terrorist. I’m scared that people will look at me with my mental illness label and wonder if I’m capable of acts of violence. I’m scared that people will be looked down upon for suffering from something out of their control because of what this man did. I’m just scared. 
I’m sending all my love to Vegas, the victims, the witnesses, their loved ones, the mental health community, and the world. Praying we can use this horrible act of violence to come together and spread love not hate. 

Until next time. 💔
Posted on by

Trust Yourself

So I’m not really a fan of the saying “trust your gut” because, well, my gut doesn’t really seem like something with knowledge. I much prefer the saying “trust your instinct”. If there is one thing that I have learned from therapy, and is something that I continuously have to work on, it’s my ability to trust myself. Since I tend to have a lot of self-doubt, I also have a large inability to trust that my instinct is right.
This is especially a problem when I’m going through a down period. When I’m suffering from my depression or my anxiety, part of coping is understanding that my brain is lying to me, but at the same time I need to take care of myself and trust my body enough to know what I need. How do I trust myself when I’m lying to myself at the same time? How do I know which thoughts are the positive helpful ones and which thoughts are the negative sabotaging ones? I tend to fight my instincts and what my body is telling me it needs because I don’t feel that I can trust that is what I really need and it isn’t what my anxiety/depression want.
It’s so difficult and it’s a concept that I struggle with daily. Unfortunately, I tend to have low self-esteem for a variety of reasons and because of this the doubt comes out really strong. I don’t know if this is equally a problem for people who wholeheartedly believe in themselves, but all I know is this is something I have to work on.
Once I can learn to trust myself, my self-doubt should decrease which should help with my inner critic problems and a variety of others. I’m trying so hard to listen to my body and trust my instinct, but it’s hard. I know in most cases the first step is always the most difficult, but for me in this instance I find consistency to be the most difficult part of fighting this. I’ll have a good day where I trust my body and can see the positive results from doing that and then the next day it’s a brand new concept all over again. I’ve seen the positives that come from believing in myself and I’ve even experienced great moments that have come from completely trusting that I know what is best for me. This is what I’m really focusing on right now, learning how to trust myself day in and day out. It’s something I want to do even though it is extremely difficult for me and I’m hoping practice will help turn it into a habit.

If anyone has any advice or experience with this I would love to hear your thoughts!

Until next time 💜
Posted on by — 2 Comments

Why Me?

I don’t know about you, but when I am feeling down and anxious it is so incredibly easy to throw myself a pity party. It’s not that I want to, it’s just what my brain is telling me to do and I don’t have the energy to fight it. My pity party always takes the form of “why me” statements. Just an example of a few:
  • Why is this happening to me?
  • Why do I need to stay home and work on myself while other people who have anxiety are leading normal lives?
  • Why doesn’t my progress always stay?
  • Why do I have to fight the same battles more than once?

These are just a few of the thousands of thoughts that cross my mind during one of my pity parties. They are so unhelpful, but yet when I’m already down I really struggle with fighting them. They consume me and then I start to believe that I am incapable of getting better and that I’m just incredibly unlucky.
Wow, how annoying right? Even just writing this is embarrassing, because at this moment these thoughts seem so juvenile and negative. I don’t know why anyone would want to put up with me during these times, so I’m forever grateful for those who do.
I found this quote I like that goes:

“Instead of saying why me, say try me.”

 
I absolutely love this quote, but if I didn’t say it was hard I would be lying. I can do it now that the moment of my pity party has passed and I’m feeling strong and empowered, but when I’m in those low moments this quote seems like a joke. It’s hard to get out of those low moments when your brain is almost celebrating them and cheering them on. I’m trying to get better at decreasing the time I am in a low state of mind and I think fighting my rush to throw myself a pity party is the first step. Going forward, I’m going to try as hard as I can to turn my “why statements” into “try statements”.

I don’t really know where else to start with fighting this besides self-talk, so I would love any advice or suggestions on how to better believe in myself during these down times, instead of feeling sorry for myself. I also know a lot of this comes from my inability to trust myself, but I’ll save that conversation for next week’s blog post.  

Until next time. 💜
Posted on by

Panic Disorder

When I first started out with my therapist I was pretty blind to what panic disorder was, well along with everything else I was going through. I simply thought that panic attacks were a part of having anxiety. I didn’t realize there was a whole other being that made up panic disorder. To help me truly understand what it’s like to have this, my therapist lead me to a site called Centre for Clinical Intervention. This site has different modules to help you understand your feelings and going through the panic disorder one was like a light bulb going off in my head. I highly encourage you to check out this website and go through the modules, especially if you are someone who suffers from these illnesses. In the meantime, though, if you don’t have time to check out the modules for yourself I want to summarize some of my favorite takeaways to help better explain what living with panic disorder is really like.
I think the most important thing to start off with is giving a better definition of what panic disorder is. The most common definition is the persistent fear of having a panic attack. This is what makes it different from general anxiety and panic attacks. This is getting worked up over a panic attack before it even happens. I saw this in myself so much. I would avoid situations that I had panicked in before because I was afraid that I would panic again. It didn’t matter that every day was a new day, I wanted to avoid that situation because I wanted to avoid having a panic attack. Panic attacks are no fun, so why would I want to willingly put myself in that situation? I could work myself so much over just the fear of panicking that I would end up having a panic attack. It’s a lose-lose situation in my opinion. There was never the option of being able to make it through the situation it was always the fear that if I went through with this I would have a panic attack.
For those of you who have never had a panic attack, I’m going to list some of the symptoms so you can hopefully have a better understanding of why it is something that can cause so much fear in one’s mind.

  • Racing/Pounding Heart
  • Sweating
  • Shaking
  • Difficulty breathing/Shortness of breath
  • Chest Pain
  • Feeling like you’re going to faint
  • Tingling/numbness
  • Drastic body temperature changes
  • Feeling detached from  your body
  • Thoughts of losing control/going crazy
  • Fear of dying

So when anywhere from one to all of these symptoms are occurring in a matter of seconds it has a lasting effect not only on your body but on your mind.
One of the things this website talks about to help deal with having panic disorder is the ABC’s and how to analyze them. I found this extremely helpful in looking at a situation I was truly terrified of, whether past or future, and helping me understand what I was feeling and hopefully why I was feeling that way.
*Disclaimer*: These are not my findings they are the findings of the Centre for Clinical Intervention, I do not take credit for any of these thoughts, I just felt the need to share them. 
Analyzing ABC’s
A stands for the activating event. This represents a situation in which you experienced strong anxiety or panic attack.
Once you have a situation in mind (it may help to write it down) you can identify the consequences or the C‘s. This could be your feelings, physical symptoms, or actions/behaviors. The goal of this part is to rate the intensity of the emotion during this situation and choose one that most accurately describes your feelings during that single experience.
Then you move on to the B which stands for beliefs. To me this is the hardest part. This is the self-talk phase to further figure out what you were thinking during this panic and what you say/said to yourself in response to it. Then after you have a list of thoughts, you figure out which one matches the core emotion that you felt.

The goal of doing the ABC’s is to discover what thoughts are causing your anxiety in the moment. Do you truly feel like you can’t do something or are you feeling overwhelmed by the amount of people and your mind is covering that up by telling you that you can’t do it. It’s a hard practice and I am still struggling to figure out what thoughts are the cause of my issues. It takes practice and work but I truly feel that it can be beneficial, especially in the beginning stages of figuring out why you feel like you can’t breathe all the time. 

Have you experienced panic disorder? How do you prepare to cope with possible trigger situations? I would love to hear your thoughts!

Until next time 💜
Posted on by

An Inside Look

I feel like when I write my posts I tend to take on a positive tone even when I’m talking about my times of depression. I wanted to do something a little different and show you all what my thoughts are like when I’m really struggling. I don’t want your pity or anything, I just want to show you how it is for me on my bad days. How depression is real, and how my thoughts turn negative when it’s a rough day. I found some entries I wrote in my journal from some really bad days I have had and thought I would share them. I wanted to give an example of the true thoughts that run through my mind during the bad days to show you what people with a mental illness have to overcome on a daily basis.

Just a disclaimer, this is really vulnerable and completely out of my comfort zone. I have an easy time sharing my progress and my good days or even reflecting back on my bad days but this is different. This is an inside look into exactly what my brain was going through during a depression. These were the thoughts I was fighting and these were the thoughts that I had to learn to tell myself were lies. Just to note, these entries were from about a year ago when things were really bad so these thoughts aren’t as constant any more, but there are definitely days when they return. This is hard for me and it’s almost embarrassing to admit that I’ve even ever thought things like this but I feel it’s important to share them with you.
“I’m scared. I don’t know what to do. I don’t feel like myself. I feel stuck. I feel lost. I don’t get why this has to happen to me. I feel weak and defeated. I want help. I want answers. I want justification. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I want to be back to normal. I want to function properly. I feel broken and confused. I feel crazy. I feel guilty. I feel embarrassed. I don’t know how to help myself. I don’t know how to motivate myself to get better. I’m frustrated and mad. I don’t want to feel like this but I don’t know how to change. What do I do?”
“I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to feel this way. Every time I think I’m doing okay my body is right there laughing at me trying to do stuff. How do I love myself when I’m my biggest enemy? How do I have friends when I can’t even get myself to leave the house. I’m 23 years old and I’m scared all the time. I hate being alone but there are times when here is no other choice. When will it all be okay? When will I be okay? I don’t even know what that feels like anymore. I don’t like this version of myself. I’m trying to accept that it is just a bump in the road and I just needed to slow down but how do I know when I’m capable to speed back up? How do I know it won’t just happen again? How do I deal with it now? How do I deal with it in the future? I just want to move on from this and get on with living my life.”

Like I said earlier, even though these were written about a year ago, there are definitely still days now where I could have easily written the same thing. My depression brings thoughts of the same kind, usually filled with fear and self-doubt. As much as I hate looking back and knowing that there are days that I felt like this, in a weird way it is also nice to be able to read these thoughts. I can look at them and see the lies and hopefully use that to help me better prepare for the next time they may come invading my brain. They also help me see how far I’ve come, because even though these thoughts still sometimes cross my mind, they have become so temporary compared to the permanent residence they used to hold. I highly encourage anyone going through mental illness, or just anyone in general, to keep a journal. Write in it every day, once a week, once a month, or just whenever you feel the need, but write in it. There is something so helpful to being able to read back how you were feeling, especially at a time when you didn’t particularly feel in control.

Until next time. 💜 
Posted on by

Setting Goals

Wow it seems like forever since I’ve written. I was off enjoying a wonderful vacation with my mom, visiting a bunch of different family up in Northern California. Although I got back last week, I needed some time after my vacation to collect myself and try very hard not to slip in to a depression after all the energy I spent. I’ve been doing really good lately and making a ton of progress. I’ve been leaving the house more and even started driving again after a year and a half of only being able to handle being a passenger. The thing that is hardest for me in pretty much anything I do lately is keeping momentum. I’ll be good for a few days and then will hit a rough patch and have a hard time getting back up on my feet. So to help work on getting to a place of regularity and continuous progress I’ve made some goals to help keep me on a positive path.
 
The hard thing for me is that I have so many things I want to work on and I want to fix all of them at once. One problem is that I can’t handle all of that and then I’ll fail on all of them. The other problem is that as a perfectionist I tend to set unrealistic goals and then when I don’t meet them I beat myself up over it and get discouraged. So when making my goals that I am currently working on I decided with the help of my parents to set goals that I know I can do. Then, after achieving them for a continuous time I will up the goals to continue pushing myself forward.
My current goals are:
1. Leave the house at least three days a week
2. Workout/walk at least three days a week

I had already made my goals when I found this acronym SMART. I think it is a great thing to follow when setting your goals so I’m sharing it with you all (some of you probably already have heard of it) and I also feel like my goals cover each category which make me even more confident that they are the right goals for me. I’m already leaving the house on average at least three days a week so I felt this goal is definitely achievable, my problem is that I struggle to do it on a regular basis. My plan is that once I successfully reach these goals for four weeks in a row I will then up my goal. I have a white board calendar up in my living room where I keep track of what I’ve done each day that I go out and it has been super helpful in helping me stay motivated to reach my goal. The workout goal is a new one since I’ve realized that I am in a point of gaining weight and I am not a fan of that. My energy level isn’t always great so I’m going to start with easier workouts that will involve mostly walking and basic things I can do at home. I plan to add my workouts to the calendar as well so I can have a visible motivator.

I’m hoping that using goals will help me stay in a good place, so if anyone has any advice on setting and meeting goals I would love to hear it. Let me know what worked/didn’t work and how you managed to hold yourself accountable for your goals.

Until next time. 💜 
Posted on by

Acknowledging My Depression

Or for us single people insert the word friends or family for boyfriend 

Now that I’ve got my anxiety semi under wraps I’ve been focusing a lot more on my depression. This is also due to the fact that I can recognize now when I’m feeling depressed, whereas I couldn’t do that in the past. The hardest thing though is that I don’t want to focus on my depression. To focus on it is in my opinion to accept it and I have a very hard time accepting that I go through times of depression. I’m starting to realize though that I can’t just push it away when it comes or try to ignore it, because then it is just going to become bigger and want more attention. Just like when learning how to deal with my anxiety, I had discovered I had to create a relationship with my anxiety instead of just getting rid of it, I need to do the same thing for my depression.

To me though this is so much more difficult. With anxiety the worst that would happen is that I would have a panic attack or need to leave a situation. None of my favorite things, but all manageable for the most part. Depression is different. Depression is dark and terrifying and not a place I want to be. It fills my head with lies and tells me I’m worthless. I don’t want to acknowledge it but I have to acknowledge it to build a relationship with it. How do you build a relationship with something you don’t want in your life? It’s not fun and it’s tough. I’m still learning how to do it. How to listen to my depression and give it the attention it needs without letting it take over my life. I struggle with this especially when I’m feeling depressed. It’s so easy to get trapped and not want to fight to get through. My depression also takes so many different shapes and forms that it’s not a one-step solution. What may work one time won’t work the next and that in itself is exhausting. This is what I’m trying to work on right now, especially because I haven’t really been feeling depressed lately. I’m trying to acknowledge those thoughts, even the ones that are lies, and give them the attention they want but then put them to rest. I’m trying to communicate with my depression that I won’t kick it to the curb and leave it to fend for itself, but I also won’t let it take control of my mind and life. Like I said, creating a relationship with something you don’t want is extremely difficult, but I’m quickly learning how important it is to have these relationships with all my emotions to help me survive and be the person I want to be.

If anyone has any advice, stories, or wants to commiserate/talk, pretty much anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Depression is scary but as much as your brain is telling you you’re alone, trust me you’re not. I’m here for you and you are worth something. 

Until next time. 💜
Posted on by

Always A Burden

Having depression and anxiety is hard and it sucks. There are obvious reasons why mental illness is no fun, but one of the hardest things for me right now on my journey in fighting this is how selfish I have to be. I have to work on myself; because, whether I like it or not, I am the only one who can fight the monster that often takes residence in my head. I have to spend my days working on myself and checking in with myself to make sure I’m okay. Not only do I not get to do a majority of the stuff I want to do because my body has other plans, but I also don’t really get to be the person I want to be.

I used to pride myself on the kind of person I was, whether it was in the role of daughter, sister, friend, mentor, or so on. A relationship is two sided, full of give and take, where both people benefit. At this point in time, I feel like I’m failing at that. I feel like I’m a bad daughter, sister, friend, etc. I feel like I just take and don’t have anything to give. It’s hard to have to be selfish. I don’t want to, but it’s the only way I’ll survive right now. I feel like I’m a burden on everyone around me because I don’t have much to contribute as I’m busy taking care of myself. I feel like these selfish ways project an image of not having time for my family and friends. I feel that I project this person that people can only talk to if they are asking how I am doing. I know most of this is made up in my mind but it is still how I feel. I still want to be a great friend and no matter how hard I may be struggling I still will always be there for the people in my life. Maybe it’s not as constant or as well as before but I still want to be there for my people, especially those that have so generously dealt with me during this hard time.

Since my world has to completely revolve around me right now, I feel like the immediate people around me have to focus on me too and therefore I feel like I’m always a burden, especially to my parents. Now I know that most of that is made up in my mind; because, although my parents will do anything for me, they are still living their own lives. It’s just hard. It’s hard to have to feel so dependent and to always need help. I hate that my parents always have to check in with me before they do something and that there are times they won’t leave me because I’m having a hard time. I am forever grateful for this but I also feel incredibly guilty for it. I hate feeling like a burden, but I don’t know how to convince myself that the people that are still in my life and by my side through all this don’t see me as a burden and still want me in their lives.

Like I’ve said nothing has been done to make me feel like other people think I’m a burden but I still can’t shake that feeling. If anyone has any advice on how to get over this feeling I would love to hear it. For now I’ll start with having these quotes on repeat. 

Until next time. 💜
Posted on by — 2 Comments

Surviving Fresno

From June 23rd to July 2nd I found myself in downtown Fresno for ten days of Miss California. It has honestly taken me this long to recover, and when I look back on that time my first thought is, “Wow! I survived,” usually followed by, “How in the world did I do that?” Don’t get me wrong, I had a lot of fun and I am so glad I went, but I would be lying if I said it was a walk in the park. I thought I would share with you all what it was like for me to be there and how I survived the ups and the downs. 
When my mom and I arrived in Fresno on Friday, it was a lovely 109 degrees out and I immediately wondered what I got myself into. I knew it was going to be hot, but thinking about it being hot and then actually walking into this heat even for just five minutes is a completely different story. Shortly after we arrived in Fresno, we went on a trip to the local Target and this is the first obstacle I faced. We went to Target before we had the chance to unpack so I was still in my driving clothes, which was leggings and a tank top. I thought I would be fine since I would only be out in the heat to walk from the air conditioned hotel to the air conditioned car to the air conditioned store and back but I was wrong. Within five minutes of the drive to Target (which was about ten minutes away) I was convinced I was going to pass out and felt like I was melting. I was so overheated, light headed, and was regretting ever leaving the comfort of the hotel. I quickly spiraled into panic mode and if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t just me and my mom, I would have audibly been begging for the car to turn around.  With a flushed face and panic filled eyes, I looked at my mom in the backseat and told her I couldn’t do this. We devised a plan that we would drop the others off at Target, then my best friend would drive my mom and me back to the hotel and go back and pick them up.  If you know me you know how immediately guilty I was at the thought of this. My mind and body were telling me that I needed to get out of there but my conscience was telling me to suck it up and not be a burden on everyone. I quickly started assessing the situation and figured out a way to possibly make it through this, so that by the time we got to Target I was willing to give it a try. I thought that I just needed to step in to the AC and all my problems would be fixed. My willingness to fix things helped me make an even better plan where I immediately bought an ice water from Starbucks (luckily located in Target) and then went and found shorts to buy in the store and put them on. I was already feeling ten times better and managed to make it through the entire trip. Feeling proud of myself, I was ready to conquer 10 days in Fresno and thought that the worst would be behind me.
 Then I woke up on Saturday.
Saturday morning was filled with tears, panic, and wanting to run away. I was already exhausted and had no idea how I was going to survive. I wanted to leave right away and just go home but I also knew I made a commitment. What part of me would win? My mom and I agreed that we would stick it out the rest of the day to help out, see how I felt and that if I still truly believed that the best option was to leave we would go. I thankfully ended up making it through Saturday and Sunday with little issue, but was still pretty on edge from time to time. I originally had cancelled my therapy session for the time I was in Fresno since I knew I would be busy, but after my Saturday morning I knew my chances of making it through would be so much better if I could have a session. Luckily for me my session was still open, so Monday afternoon I found myself laying all my fears out for my therapist.
I feel the need to mention that I wanted to be in Fresno the whole time. No one was forcing me to stay and I could have left at any moment, but I really didn’t want to do that. Throughout the panic I was having a lot of fun and really enjoyed being there. That’s why I’m so thankful I got to talk to my therapist and have her help me put things into perspective. She reminded me how important it was for me to rest before I felt at zero energy and that it is completely okay to need to take care of my body. I honestly don’t know if I would have made it throughout the week without talking to her, because she helped me minimize my feelings of guilt and regret and instead focus on the positive. The rest of the time went rather smoothly. I had moments of panic but was able to rest and address them as needed. I ended up skipping a show and a half of prelims, which I hated, but I’m glad I did because it helped me make it through everything else with little issue.
On the positive side of things I got to jump into volunteer mode, which is a place of comfort for me. I got to use my tech skills to help make hundreds of badges, help sell tickets and work the door for the events. I got to see the importance of volunteers in making Miss California such a successful scholarship program, along with getting to meet many of these wonderful people. At a time when I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been contributing to society I’m especially grateful to have had this opportunity.  Volunteering holds a special place in my heart and I’m so glad I was able to address and face my fears and successfully make it through the experience.
 

All in all I would definitely put Fresno in the success column. I was able to cheer on one of my longest friends as she took the Miss California stage for the last time, along with a ton of other people whom I love. I got to see someone who is like a little sister to me take the stage for the last time as she passed on her title as Miss California’s Outstanding Teen. I got to meet Miss America, who is just the sweetest. I got to spend ten days with my best friend and our moms. I got to give back to an organization that has given me so much and helped shaped me into who I am today. Most importantly, I got a chance to prove to myself that I can still be the person that I want and still do the things I want. I just may need to take a nap along the way. 

Until next time. 💜
Posted on by — 2 Comments

I’m Stuck

Wow it has been a long time since I’ve written a post and I have really missed it these past couple of weeks! I have so much to share with you all especially about how I survived Miss California week but I’m just not ready. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t struggling right now and I told you I would share the good and the bad with you so here’s a glimpse into the bad.

I feel pretty stuck right now. I’m struggling to see my worth. I’m struggling to convince myself I’m not pointless. I’m struggling to believe this is something I’ll really learn to live with. I’m struggling to understand how I will ever manage to live the life I want to live. I’m struggling to see how I will ever again be the independent strong person I used to be. Im struggling to see how I will ever be a role model. I’m struggling to see how I’m not just wasting my life away and everyone else’s time that has to deal with me. I feel it’s important to note that I am not suicidal but I’m still struggling. Depression is real. I know depression lies but I don’t know how to convince myself of that when every piece of my brain is pointing to the negative. Every one of my thoughts lead to the bad. I’m just stuck. There’s a part of me that knows I will get through this but that part is small right now and I’m struggling to increase its size. I’m also struggling to think of a different word for struggle but whatever this isn’t a school paper. 

I don’t want to need help but I think I need some help. Not professional help because I have my therapist and my doctor and my medicine so I got that stuff covered. Some help from the people in my life whether we’re strangers or best friends. I think I could use a little extra love, encouragement, advice, cute cat pictures, whatever you feel like sending my way right now. I really hate having to ask this, I hate not being okay on my own, but like I said I’m stuck. I promise to return the favor whenever you need it.  

Until next time 💜