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I Have A Mental Illness

I have a mental illness. I am not defined by my mental illness but I definitely have one. If you’ve read any of my other blog posts you’re probably thinking something along the lines of “are you really just figuring this out?”. Obviously I know that anxiety, panic disorder, and depression are forms of mental illness. I even address them as my illnesses. The thing is I’ve never felt mentally ill until recently. When I was sick last week my defenses were down so of course my negative thoughts and inner critic were in full swing. This wasn’t a new feeling for me but what was a new feeling is that I felt mentally ill. For the first time I could look at myself and think something isn’t right in my mind right now. My therapist helped explain it to me so hopefully what she said will help me make more sense to you all.
Previous times when I’ve been depressed or especially anxious I was so wrapped up in those feelings that they felt completely normal to me. I didn’t even realize I was depressed because I couldn’t feel anything except negativity. There was nothing positive going on in my mind, nothing reminding me hey this is just an illness. Last week though, for the first time, when those negative thoughts started coming I was able to realize why they were there. I was able to realize that they were appearing because I was sick and my defenses were down and since I was able to realize that they were not the thoughts I wanted to be having I felt mentally ill. From  learning more about myself and how I handle different situations I am gaining a better understanding of what thoughts are mine and what thoughts come from my illness. This all comes from learning more about myself and gaining trust in myself. Trusting that these thoughts are temporary because I’m sick and that I don’t truly believe I’m useless. This was why I was able to feel not only physically sick but mentally sick, because I finally have the healthy version to compare myself too.
This was a revelation to me and just a further reminder that our mind and bodies are way more connected than we realize. It’s not enough to only work on my mental health or my physical health. Just like when I was mentally weak I became physically weak, I need to work on becoming mentally AND physically strong. It’s all connected and I’m learning that I need to take steps forward in both these areas and not just one or the other. I’m trying to figure out a daily schedule that will help me take positive steps forward in both areas while challenging myself but not to the point of failure. In all honestly it is EXTREMELY difficult. It takes more energy than I’m used to giving and more trust in myself than I think I have but I’m re-realizing how important it is to help me continue moving forward in my fight against this illness.

Any advice on how to handle working on everything at once would be greatly appreciated. Also has anyone else ever actually felt mentally ill? I would love to hear your thoughts! 

Until next time. 💜
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Not Again

So this past week, well starting Wednesday, I found myself sick once again or still. Honestly I don’t even know anymore, all I know is that I was weak, felt bad, and spent most of my days sleeping. When I get sick my anxiety tends to come out to play and it usually likes to bring it’s friend depression. I will sit there and throw myself a pity party about why am I sick again? Why can’t I just have one thing go my way? Blah, blah, blah. I’m not the funnest person to be around, but at the same time I’m realizing that this is a time to re-set my motivation for when I am healthy again to help prove to myself that I am stronger than I think. I keep a quote journal for when times get tough that I can read through and have little reminders that where I’m at is temporary and I can get through this. When I’m in a really bad place I’ll even have someone else read the quotes to me because I tend to not believe anything I tell myself and it has actually been really helpful. Since I’m still feeling under the weather I don’t have the energy to write a whole blog post so I thought I would share some of my favorite quotes with you all as a reminder that whatever you may be going through at this moment you will get through it.

“Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go; they merely determine where you start.”


“I can muster up a little more hope and courage from deep inside me.”

“The struggle you’re in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow.”

“You are NOT a mess, you are brave for trying.”

 

“Celebrate every accomplishment no matter how small.”

“Anxiety is one little tree in your forest. Step back and look at the whole forest instead.”

“You may have to fight a battle more than once.”

“Be gentle with yourself, you are doing the best you can. Don’t give up.”

If you have any quotes that you would like to share I would love to hear them! I am always looking to expand my quote journals.
Giveaway time!Thank you to those who entered and congratulations to Cariena Birchard! You won a custom quote journal of your own full of some of my favorites. Please reach out to me so we can discuss how to get it to you. 😊

Until next time. 💜
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An Open Thank You Letter

Happy Memorial Day weekend everyone! I’m feeling especially thankful today and wanted to share that feeling with you all. This post is an open thank you letter to everyone I have come across in life whether it be now or in the future, I just wanted to remind you all how grateful I am for your support.

I wanted to start by piggy backing off of my last post and take a moment to thank the immediate people in my life. Thank you for always being understanding if I have to cancel. Thank you for still inviting me the next time even if I cancelled the previous time. Thanks for never giving up on me and supporting me while I’m more sensitive. Thank you for not judging me when I need to stay home because I’m not up for something. Thank you for always checking up on me. Thank you for still being there for me at this time that I can’t always be there for you in the way I would like. Most importantly, thank you for treating me the same and allowing me the comfort of knowing I can be completely honest with you all about what’s going on in my life without having to be fearful that it will change our relationship.
Moving on to the people who have reached out to me since I’ve started this blog. When I started this blog I was super hesitant about sharing my story and unsure if it would even help me at all, but for some reason I felt very  compelled to do it so I took that leap of faith. I figured only my family would read it and that was fine because I was mainly doing it for myself, but I always thought that if I got to connect with at least one other person it would be an added bonus. What I didn’t expect was the outpouring of love and support I have received. People I haven’t talked to in years, people I don’t even know, and people who I’ve always looked up to have reached out to me and expressed their gratitude and support for my blog. I can’t even put into words how much this means to me and how thankful I am for you all. Your words keep me going. Just knowing that I can inspire and connect with people whether they are my age or older than me; whether they are going through what I’m going through or just reading my blog; I truly never expected this. Starting this blog I was at a point where I felt like I had no purpose and I’m realizing at this point in time my purpose is to share my story. I love connecting with others and knowing that we can all help each other and make a difference even in the smallest ways. I’ve learned and am still learning so much from so many people and the fact that I can be that kind of a person to others is sometimes hard to believe, but something I am so incredibly thankful for.
Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart for supporting me, loving me, and sharing this journey with me. I want to do something in return to express my thanks to you all; so for everyone who reads my blog, if you comment on this blog post or my Facebook post sharing this blog post you will be entered to win a surprise gift. It can be something as simple as “done” or “entered” or whatever you feel like. I will choose a winner (I will be using an app that will randomly pick someone from all the entries) on Wednesday and announce it in my next blog post. I hope you all realize just how much you mean to me.

Until next time. 💜
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I Want To, But I Can’t

Over the past year I have come to strongly dislike the word want. The hardest thing for me is when people ask me if I want to do something because almost 100% of the time the answer is yes. The problem is that my body doesn’t always agree. Do I want to go out to a nice dinner? Absolutely. Do I think I can? I’ll let you know. What makes it worse is that I’ll be having a really good day so I’ll make plans thinking that I’ll still be okay in let’s say three days, but then that day comes and I just can’t do it. Then I have to cancel, which I hate, and somehow explain that it’s not that I don’t wantto I just can’t make it work physically and mentally.

In learning how to trust myself more and listen to what my body is telling me this concept of being able to do something has taken a new turn. Now, sometimes I assess a situation and can tell that it will not have a positive result for me even if it’s something I really want to do. This almost is even worse because my body isn’t yet telling me it can’t do it, it’s instead telling me that if I go through with this plan nothing good will come from it. This was the case for me this past weekend when a bunch of my family was together celebrating my cousin’s college graduation. On Sunday the plan was everyone would go to Disneyland. Now I LOVE Disneyland and I love spending time with my family even more, so I had been planning on going for months. Since I had managed to survive Disneyland in November and where I’m at mentally today is 10x better than where I was back then I figured that saying yes in advance was going to be okay. I had talked to my therapist about going and we made plans on how I would manage. As of Monday, I was feeling ready to conquer this adventure and have a fun day with my family. Then the actual weekend came and it was a lot more draining for me physically and emotionally than I thought it would be and so Saturday night I was faced with this want/can dilemma. Did I want to go to Disneyland? 100% Could I do it? Probably. Should I do it? No. This was the hardest part because I was looking at what the day would be like (hot temperature, large crowds, and physically demanding) and realizing that although mentally I think I could have handled it there is no way my body would have survived and I most likely would have ended up getting physically sick if I decided to go. All I wanted to do was go but it wasn’t about what I wanted to do. The real question to look at was did I want to put myself through what was going to be a stressful day that would most likely have a negative effect on my body just because I didn’t want to miss out on the fun? Well honestly it took me a long time to change my answer to that question from yes to no. Ultimately though I decided to trust what my body was telling me and stay home.

I’ve always thought that when I got a better grip on my anxiety I would be able to jump back into things and do whatever I wanted to do again but that was unrealistic thinking. I’m learning that I have to take baby steps of progress physically as well as mentally to eventually get back to the person I want to be. Quite honestly it can sometimes be really annoying because it means I have to miss out on things I want to do in order to help myself stay moving forward in a positive way. Instead of what I can and can’t do, I’m starting to enter what I should or shouldn’t do which means I really have to trust myself and what my body is telling me, which is hard and a whole other blog post. For now I guess I’ll just keep pushing myself in ways I feel will benefit me in the long run and hope for the best. 

I want to leave you all with this quote that doesn’t really have anything to do with this post, but I just love it and wanted to share it with you all. 



Until next time. 💜
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My Unstable Relationship With Sleep

If we have ever had a conversation in person you have probably heard me talk about my sleeping hours, most likely saying something along the line of “I just want to sleep normal human hours”. Unfortunately my relationship with sleep is nothing close to normal. 


When trying to describe my problem sleeping to people I often drift towards the word insomnia but that honestly isn’t the case. I can sleep, I could be a professional sleeper, that’s just not the problem. The problem is the hours I spend sleeping and the quality of my sleep. I normally end up sleeping from about 3 am to 8 or 9 am and then fall back asleep around 10 or 11 am and wake up again anywhere between 1 and 4 pm. I often waste my day sleeping and I hate it. I dread night time when everyone else goes to bed because I know I will be laying there wide awake for hours fighting sleep. Even worse is when I am tired and then the second I lay down in bed I am suddenly wide awake. I also sometimes will randomly become terrified with sleeping and the idea of being asleep. I blame most of this on my “drug dreams” as my mom would call them. One of the wonderful side effects I experience from being on Lexapro is extremely realistic dreams that are more often than not unpleasant. I have watched my brother be shot dead, I have been in a war zone, and I have had to walk the streets with a gun in my hand to make sure I stay alive and every single one of these situations feels so REAL. Who would want to go to sleep when the possibility of that is on the table? It’s not even just the bad ones that haunt me but the good ones can too, because at this point I sometimes can’t tell what is real and what I’ve dreamt. I often will reference a conversation or someone being at the house just to find out I dreamt it.  I’ve even dreamt a memory from my childhood that never happened. Sleeping messes with my reality and I dread it. Before bed every night I sit there wondering what will happen and if I’ll be able to handle the dream thrown my way. This is something that I am working on with my therapist but it still sucks. I can’t avoid sleep but my brain sure tries, and then when I lay awake all night I sleep all day and then the day is wasted.

The other thing that goes against me is that when I do sleep I am not getting restful sleep. I have one of those fit bands that tracks my sleep and according to the way that tracks sleep it’s been said that your deep sleep should equal about 45% of your total sleep since the bracelet can’t account for the difference between deep sleep and REM sleep. I average at least eight hours of sleep, usually it’s nine or more hours, and according to this fit band I average less than an hour of deep sleep. So am I sleeping? Yes. Is my sleep restful? Not at all. I blame this on my dreams again but honestly what do I know. I also sometimes get anxious in my sleep which is the worst. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this but I’ll wake up in a full on panic. I’m just learning to control my anxiety when I’m awake but I can’t fight it when I’m asleep which just adds another factor to my dreading sleeping.
I’ve tried a few different things but none seem to work out for the long term. I try to wake up early and stay awake but I eventually get so tired that I feel physically sick unless I sleep and then any progress I made is gone. I try reading before bed to tire my eyes out but then I just get too wrapped up in my book and stay awake for hours. It’s getting to the point where I am desperate to fix this but I’m at a loss for how to do that.

If anyone has anything that they’ve had work to help them fall asleep easier I would love to hear them. I will take anything that you think could possibly help me work towards fixing this problem and getting to sleep normal human hours again. 

Until next time. 💜
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Regaining My Independence

I’ve been doing good lately, like really good. Almost surprising myself with the things that I can do today that I couldn’t even manage just a few short months ago. Though while recognizing my new found abilities I also became aware of a new problem and the next step to work on. My independence. I am great at getting through a difficult moment or panic situation when I’m with my parents. I honestly feel like I can conquer just about anything thrown my way with them by my side. The funny thing, though, is even when I’m with them and start to panic the main thing I use them for is a familiar face and to have someone else be aware that I’m having a tough moment. Other than that, the actual conquering of said panic/difficult situation I do by myself.


So why can’t I do it by myself without them around? The thought of adventuring out on my own even if I’m just going to the grocery store is quite terrifying to me. Who would be there for me if something really terrible happened? Has something really terrible happened to me in regards to my anxiety lately? Not at all, but without my backup plan it’s hard for me to understand how I could survive a situation by myself. Now you may be thinking why not have a backup plan for when you are by yourself and not only when you’re with your parents or someone else you know? Well yeah, you’re probably right and I know that’s what I should do, but honestly I don’t know how. I feel so guilty when I have to ask people for help, my parents included, that the idea of being in a situation where I would possibly have to ask a stranger for help or wait until someone I know can get to me doesn’t really sound appealing.  The problem is I don’t trust myself to ask for help if I really needed it or trust myself to get through it on my own even though that’s what I almost always do; AND this is assuming I panic, because in my mind I never could just make it through a situation with no problem. On top of this, the main problem I’ve come to realize with the help of my therapist is that my fear of gaining independence stems from the fear of not being able to ask for help anymore. I feel that once I start to be okay that takes away my ability to ask for help and others’ willingness to help me. Where does the world say that you can only ask for help when you are in a crippling state? It doesn’t and I am trying really hard to convince myself that it is okay to be independent and still ask for help when I need it. Another issue I have with being independent is that I struggle to fully trust myself. I have so many tools that have proven to get me through a tough time so why can’t I believe in myself enough to use these tools by myself if I needed them? I hope that in gaining back some independence I’ll be able to gain back the trust that I can take care of myself.
For example, on Monday my parents, brother, and I went to Ontario for a hockey game spur of the moment. Traffic plus a pounding headache and I was ready to go home before we even got there, but I was with my parents so I was able to survive. Now last night I really wanted to go to an Anaheim Ducks watch party with my friends that I haven’t seen in forever and I miss so much, but since my parents wouldn’t be there I didn’t think I could get through it. I would love to sit here and tell you that I made it through by myself but I didn’t. My mom was kind enough to go with me and sit at an outdoor watch party for a team that isn’t her own. I learned an important lesson. I don’t need my parents to be okay. I’m lucky to be surrounded by some of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for. The amount of support they give me is incredible and I don’t even know how to express just how grateful I am for them. I knew that if I had a bad moment any one of them would have helped me get through it. It was a nice reassurance to know that as much as my brain likes to tell me I’m alone and I can’t survive without my parents this is not the case. Whether I’m by myself, with my friends, or with my parents I am strong and I am capable. I can’t wait to grow my independence going forward and learn to trust myself all over again.

This is where my current focus is, regaining my independence. Now the only reason I’m willing to work on this is because  I feel ready and I want to do this, no one is pressuring me and I don’t believe that it is pushing myself more than is smart at this time. This is a step that I’ve never felt ready for before this past week and it’s a step my therapist also feels is time to take so we made a plan. In my mind regaining my independence is something that has to be done all at once which is why it seems so terrifying, but my therapist helped me realize that it should be a process involving many steps. So step one is to spend at least an hour out of the house without my parents two days this week. This could be going on a walk, going to a coffee shop to read, or grabbing coffee/lunch/dinner with friends. My therapist helped me realize that I don’t need to take a giant step to be making progress and I don’t even need to be completely alone to regain my independence. Honestly without hearing this from her I can guarantee you it would be a long time before I would be willing to try this, but after our conversation I’m so excited to work on being there for myself again.



If anyone has any advice on steps to take to work on trusting oneself and taking steps towards a more independent lifestyle I would love to hear them! Also if anyone ever wants to grab coffee I would love for some of my outings to be with with the amazing people in my life.

Until next time. 💜 
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Therapy Is A Good Thing

Today I’m feeling uninspired. I have so many different topics and things I want to write about but none of them feel ready to put out into the universe. After sitting and  thinking and procrastinating I finally decided that I want to spend this post talking about therapy or, probably more appropriately, I should say ranting about therapy.
We live in a society where therapy is viewed as a negative. There are so many moments where you read or hear about some alternative to therapy that’s better because it’s “cheaper than therapy” and also includes the benefit of not having to admit you have a therapist. That may be true. Therapy isn’t cheap, running or going to the beach or talking to friends is 100% cheaper but it’s not the same. In my mind therapy is irreplaceable. There’s something so freeing about being able to ramble your truest thoughts and have someone help you work through them. I don’t have to worry about not making sense, I don’t have to worry about how my words are going to make someone feel, and I don’t have to worry about not knowing what I’m feeling or why I’m feeling it. I just have to talk, which is quite easy for me. I think everyone would benefit from therapy. Even on my worst days I look forward to sitting down and talking to my therapist, I always leave our sessions feeling more high spirited and ready to conquer the obstacles my life brings. Therapy wasn’t always like this for me though. It took time and it took finding the right therapist to get to the point where I appreciate it and am no longer ashamed. I remember when I first started going to therapy I only told a few people what I was actually doing and to everyone else I would always say I have an appointment or I have plans. Thanks society. I’ve come to realize, though, why should I be ashamed of something that benefits me so tremendously and helps me be able to live a life that consists of what I actually want to do? I shouldn’t and so now I’m not. I will gladly talk about how I go to therapy and how much it has helped change my life for the better. My therapist helps me make sense of so many things. She helps me take my irrational thoughts and acknowledge them and work through them instead of judging me for being irrational. Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing people in my life who I know I can talk to about these things, but who wants to always listen to the whirlwind of thoughts in my brain? I mean there are days I don’t even enjoy it. That’s why I’m thankful for my therapist. She feels like a friend to me. We laugh, we tear up, we commiserate, and we heal.
If you’re looking for a therapist I think it’s important that you find one you are completely comfortable with. My current therapist is actually the second therapist I’ve seen. At the time my previous therapist was helpful but in the end she just couldn’t provide the help I needed and that’s okay. It’s important that you find the best fit for you so that you can benefit as much as possible from your therapist.

I highly encourage anyone who has been thinking about therapy to take that leap and give it a shot, I have a feeling you won’t regret it. If you want to ever talk about therapy whether you are in it, want to give it a try, or are even just curious as to what it’s like please feel free to reach out. 

Until next time. 💜
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25 Fun Facts About Me

So these past few days (which has felt like forever) I’ve been stuck with some kind of stomach bug which has led me to do nothing but sleep and rest. Since I was already feeling kind of down and out of it I honestly just wasn’t in the mood to dig into my feelings and write a post about them. Instead I thought I would do something different and share 25 fun facts with you all about myself. I tried to be positive with my facts but let me tell you, it was really hard for me to find 25 wholly positive things I wanted to share so I did the best I can. After a while it became easier and eventually I really enjoyed doing it and hope that I can use this to continue viewing myself in a more positive light. 
1. I am obsessed with my cat and think she is the cutest thing in the world. Our favorite game is hide and seek. 


2. My eyes change colors depending on the weather, my mood, what I’m wearing etc. They can be yellow, grey, and really green. They have often been compared to cats eyes which may add to why I’m a cat person.
3. I technically went to three colleges. I went to Fullerton Community College for a semester and it wasn’t the right fit, so I transferred to Orange Coast College where I went for two years until I transferred to Chapman University where I completed my degree.
4. When I was younger my dream job was to be a dolphin trainer because I am mildly obsessed with dolphins. Once at SeaWorld I got to feed and pet dolphins during a special interaction and it was one of the happiest moments of my life.
5. My favorite color is magenta because my last name is Genta.
6. I am a huge book nerd. I’m on average reading at least one book about every 3-4 days and am often reading two at once. My favorite books are currently anything written by Kate Morton.
7.  My first car was a 1988 blue Toyota pickup truck that got stolen from my high school parking lot during school and was found about two weeks later. I now drive a Kia Spectra that I love!
8. My favorite show of all time is Parenthood. I’ve never watched a show that felt so real and I could watch it over and over again (which I do).
9. I’ve never broken a bone but I have had surgery twice – once for my kidney and the second for when I tore my Achille’s in three places.


10. I don’t like beer or wine, my alcoholic drink of choice is whiskey and coke which is also my mom’s. I was at a formal that had a bar and I didn’t know what to order so I just said jack and coke because I knew that my mom drank it and ended up enjoying it. My mom drinks it because her mom drank it so it runs in the family. Also, champagne. I love champagne.
11. I was a dancer for 12 years of my life and still choreograph in my mind to most songs I hear. My dance team helped me go from a shy young girl to a confident young woman. So many great memories were created during my time as a dancer.


12. I really enjoy photography and a couple summers ago had a picture I took showcased at the Orange County Fair. It was a picture of dolphins, of course.
13. I have naturally curly hair but refused to wear it curly until after I graduated high school and became too lazy to straighten it every day. I didn’t learn how to curl my hair until I moved out my senior year of college and didn’t have my mom around to help.
14. Justin Bieber follows me on Twitter. I don’t know when it happened and I don’t know why it happened but it’s true. I also don’t know if this is something to be proud of or ashamed of LOL. Also something I’m much more proud of is that while I was in Santa Cruz JENNY LAWSON followed me on twitter. Her follow is something I will happily and repeatedly advertise.
15. I am extremely self-conscious of my feet but have learned to embrace them because if someone is judging me based solely on my feet then I don’t need them in my life.
16. I am a HUGE hockey fan especially of the Anaheim Ducks but everyone else in my family roots for the LA Kings. Luckily a group of my best friends are also Ducks fans so I don’t have to cheer on my team alone.
17. In my dreams I end up married to a hockey player; in reality I’ll settle for a fan of hockey, extra points if he’s a Ducks fan.
18. I love Disneyland and had a pass for at least 8 years. I didn’t renew when my anxiety got really bad ): but I plan on renewing it as soon I am able to conquer Disneyland again, well that and when I have money again.


19. The only time I have ever been to Dodger stadium was to watch an outdoor hockey game. It was a fun experience to have with my dad and my older brother, plus the Ducks beat the Kings!
20. I pretty much have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to make-up so I’ve learned to be very comfortable with a make-up free face.
21. I think I’m a very hilarious person but I’m pretty sure people are laughing at me and not with me. Either way I still think I’m hilarious.
22. I should never be allowed to go to Target unsupervised or with my mom. We are terrible influences on each other when it comes to shopping. We can convince each other everything is needed. Actually not just Target, pretty much any place involving clothes, shoes, and purses.
23. I once held a sloth. Surprisingly it was at the Long Beach Grand Prix and I was wearing a tank top so it’s claw was digging into my back the entire time, but honestly it was worth it because now I can tell people I’ve held a sloth. On the note of animals I’ve also petted a bobcat when I was younger because my dad’s friend had two of them as pets out in the desert. 


24. My favorite food would have to be potatoes made pretty much any way besides scalloped. I don’t know why but I just can’t support scalloped potatoes.

25. I helped choreograph and participated in a flash mob for a Sport’s Authority grand opening. It was awkward and fun all at the same time.

I hope you enjoyed getting to know these random little things about me. I would love it if you commented on this post with some fun facts of your own so I can get to know you better! 

Until next time. 💜 
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Greetings From Santa Cruz

I am writing this post from beautiful Santa Cruz and although it’s been cold and rainy I’ve been having a great time and more importantly I MADE IT! This trip has been fun and relaxing for me but it also has helped me so much in learning what I am capable of and really testing me on my ability to listen to my body and put my needs first when necessary. I thought I would recount my vacation so far for you all and explain how I’ve managed to make it through (not always but mostly) a variety of situations with little to no anxiety.
Friday: The drive. This was easily the part of the trip I was most hesitant about. I had more nerves concerning a six hour drive than spending a week away from home so I had tons of preparations in place and different plans for how to make it through this drive with minimal anxiety. The morning of the drive I was considering taking a Xanax because I just couldn’t see how I was going to be okay. I don’t like taking Xanax unless I need it and I was feeling fine but I was completely doubtful of myself and my tools. I finally decided not to take the Xanax and save it for in case I started feeling really bad, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to make it through the drive with complete ease, even when there was traffic. I know that if I had taken the Xanax I would have believed in myself less and that probably would have changed the way the rest of the trip went, so I’m glad I talked myself into believing I’m stronger than I think.
Saturday: Saturday was a day my parents and I both decided to not really plan anything for with the assumption that I would be exhausted and not really feeling adventurous after conquering the drive, especially since we didn’t know how it would go. However after sleeping normal hours (for the first time in months) I was up and feeling great. We went to lunch on the pier and then shopping in downtown. Although I had a moment of feeling bad at lunch I was able to distinguish and convince myself that I was just hungry and that I wasn’t panicking and was able to make it through the rest of the afternoon with ease.
If you go to Santa Cruz you have to visit the Sock Shop and the book store!
Sunday: Sunday was definitely the most difficult day for me and truly put me to the test. I feel like I failed but I’m trying to talk myself out of that. I really wanted to go to the Monterey Bay Aquarium before my parents left to go off on their own for a few days, but this was also the best day for us to have dinner with my family in San Jose. Both things I really wanted to do and both things fit in best on Sunday. Since I had been feeling great and I decided to be ambitious and believe I could handle both of these adventures in one day. I have to admit that things did not go as planned. We woke up and headed to the aquarium in the morning and I was able to manage that pretty well. I distracted myself by taking pictures and I really enjoyed the exhibits but when I reached my limit of being surrounded by people pushing and shoving I needed to get out of there immediately before I spiraled into problem mode. We left early enough that I figured we would stop by the house in Santa Cruz, change and rest for a little bit, and then head on our way to San Jose. However, on the way home from the aquarium there was a car crash on a one lane road and we were stuck. Miles and miles, or so it seemed, of stop and go traffic. Now after all my driving adventures I should have been able to handle this, but after using all my energy dealing with people at the aquarium I was struggling. I tried to sleep but couldn’t relax enough to get any rest and I just started to feel miserable. 

When we got home I needed to sleep, I could fit in about a half hour nap before we needed to go and that sounded perfect to me. However, after thirty minutes my parents woke me up and I was a mess. I was exhausted, my body hurt, and I felt completely sick. I didn’t realize how much energy I had used up the past few days but it all decided to hit me in this moment and I hated it. I kept asking my parents to give me a few more minutes and then I would be up and ready to go. This didn’t happen. I just felt worse. The hardest thing for me is that all I wanted to do was go visit my family in San Jose but my body was telling me no no no. After crying and not wanting to make a decision we decided that I was in no position to travel or really do anything besides lay in bed. I knew this was the right choice but I was so upset about it. I felt insanely guilty and continued to until talking to my therapist on Monday afternoon. It’s hard because I knew I was tired and I knew that if I pushed myself I would easily enter into panic territory but I still didn’t feel like this justified not going because my exhaustion ruined five other people’s plans. It’s hard because I’ve been working on listening to what my body needs but when your body needs something different than what you want it’s disappointing. If you didn’t already assume the rest of Sunday was spent filled with guilt and exhaustion. I was happy to go to bed and have Monday be better.
Monday: One of the things I struggle with the most is having a bad day and then having a good day. I’m so happy I was able to have my therapy session on Monday afternoon because I could just not get rid of the guilty feeling that was clouding over me. Monday I was still exhausted but I also felt bad for wanting to do anything. It’s so hard for me to have to cancel on someone for legitimate reasons and then be able to do something the next day. I feel guilty for it and I feel that I don’t deserve it. I don’t ever want someone to think I’m cancelling on them for no reason so I feel I need to stay in a not okay place to further prove I wasn’t okay in that moment that I canceled. That’s the crazy thing about anxiety though, you can feel like you can’t even walk from the bedroom to the bathroom one day and then the next day it’s like it never happened. My therapist really helped me try to find ways to let go of the guilt so that I could still enjoy the rest of my vacation. I still took it easy Monday because I was feeling tired so the only adventurous thing I did was get my nails done with my mom and aunt, and if we’re being honest I totally was falling asleep the whole time. Monday night brought the moment for my parents to leave and although I was nervous I was so tired that I knocked out early without even realizing they were gone.
Tuesday: Tuesday was a lazy day that I very much needed. I spent the day with my aunt watching movies, reading, and crafting. It was perfect, especially since I still was feeling like I could fall asleep at any given moment even after having slept a full night.
That brings us to today which will be filled with staying inside and cooking because it is cold and rainy outside. I’m really having a great time but I can’t say that it has been completely easy. This trip has really proved to me how living with anxiety is not about pushing it away, but instead creating a relationship with it and learning how to dance with it when it happens. I’ve been learning so much about myself and my relationships with all my different emotions these past few days and it feels great, but it is also a reminder that I still have such a long way to go.

Until next time 💜
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Anxiety Survival Kit

This Friday I am road tripping up to Northern California with my parents to spend a week with my Aunt and Uncle in Santa Cruz. I am so excited for this change of scenery and time with family, but I am also pretty nervous because this is the first time I’ll be traveling long distance in over a year. My parents will be spending half the time up there with me but they will be spending half the time elsewhere, which is a pretty big deal for me. My therapist and I came up with making a backpack that I could always have with me when traveling to help conquer my anxiety if it arises. This kit helped me so much as I was getting reacquainted with being in a car for a longer period of time and really made my trip to San Diego to meet Jenny Lawson go smoothly. I thought I would share with you all its contents because it has been a tremendous benefit to have with me when I adventure out of the house and hope that it can help you as well!


My Anxiety Survival Kit

  • Stress Ball – My stress ball is a pretty green and has the word breathe on it. I know they are meant for squeezing but I love to toss mine from hand to hand, it gives me something to concentrate on and distract me from my anxiety. I bought mine from CVS and you can find them online here.
  • Instant Cold Packs – One of the first signs that I’m getting anxious is that I begin to get really overheated. In the car this isn’t a huge deal because I can turn the AC on but I bought these instant cold packs for when I’m not in a place where I can easily change my temperature. I’ve used them at the doctors before when I’m anxious and they really help calm my body down. I also bought them at CVS and you can find them online here.
  • Cat Stuffed Animal – My cat is a major calming device for me, I can be extremely anxious but if she curls up with me I immediately start to calm down. Unfortunately I can’t take her everywhere with me (I 100% would if I could) so I bought a stuffed animal that looks similar to her that I can hug on to and cuddle when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
  • Positive Quote Journal – One of the first things I started doing at the beginning of my anxiety journey is keeping a journal with positive quotes in it. Whenever I would start to feel anxious I would pick up the journal and start reading or if I was really panicky I would make someone read them to me. This has proven to really help me over time, so I made a special edition for this kit filled with uplifting and positive quotes about getting through a difficult situation. If this sounds like something you would benefit from let me know, I would love to make one for you. 😊
  • Dolphin Travel Pillow – Sometimes the position of my neck can increase my anxiety just from the pain of being uncomfortable so I packed a travel pillow especially for when I’m in a car. Plus, it’s a dolphin and I love dolphins so I can also just look at it and be reminded of something that makes me smile.
  • Word Search Book – I’m learning that when I start to feel anxious the best thing for me to do is try to distract my brain as fast as possible. I love doing word searches and they are simple enough that I can do them even in a state of increasing anxiety to try and calm me down, so I thought they would be the perfect addition to my kit.
  • Water Bottle and Snacks
  • Xanax– I keep a few emergency Xanax in my kit just in case my panic becomes too big to conquer on my own but so far (knock on wood) I have been able to use the other items in my kit to calm me down before I need to take one.

I chose to put my kit into a Garden Grove bag I got when I was a Miss Garden Grove court member. This bag is like taking a little bit of home with me wherever I go since it literally says my hometown on it, so I try to use it to ground me back to reality and my comfort place. This kit could easily be put into a backpack, a purse, or anything that you can look at and have a positive response!
If anyone has any tips for traveling with anxiety I would love to hear them! I can’t wait for this adventure and am hoping to report back to you all that it has been a huge success. I’ll leave you with this quote that I know I will be keeping in mind during my travels and hope it can help you this week as well!

“Courage is never to let your actions be influenced by your fears.” – Anonymous


Until next time. 💜