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What Is This Feeling?

For about the past year or so my life has been consumed by my anxiety. I’m not just talking about how I often felt anxious and experienced panic attacks, but even when I was calm I still had anxiety on the brain. My thoughts often included things like: Will this situation make me anxious? How can I prepare for possible anxiety? What’s triggering this anxious reaction? What can I do during a panic attack to minimize it? What can I do daily to help keep my anxiety low? What’s my exit plan? Can I handle this certain situation right now? Do I have my Xanax in case all my preparations fail?
I could go on and on with the types of thoughts I often had and still have but we would be here forever. The main takeaway is that all I was thinking about was my anxiety. I think these thoughts were extremely important for me to have at the time, and to still have from time to time, because they have helped me to better understand myself, my anxiety, and how to live with it. With that being said, now that I am feeling more on the positive side of things I’ve realized that thinking about anxiety all the time is keeping me from enjoying the moment. My therapist helped me really understand this by explaining that since I’ve been so focused on anxiety for so long it’s the feeling that my brain jumps to. This is so true for me. If my heart starts racing whether I’m watching a really exciting hockey game, working out, or actually anxious my body automatically reacts like I’m starting the spiral into panic mode. I often find myself repeating over and over again it is normal for your heart rate to increase when you are working out, or whatever the situation may be, to try and help calm myself down. I even have to ask my parents at times “this is a normal body reaction to this situation right?” because my brain can’t always make the distinction between normal and anxiety or panic. I’ve temporary lost my ability to categorize regular body reactions in situations into different feelings. Even now during this positive streak I have going I spend a good amount of my time waiting for it to end. I don’t really know what to do with myself if I’m not feeling anxious because I’ve become unaccustomed to all the different emotions we can feel on a daily basis.
Instead of worrying about when I’ll stop feeling happy and start feeling anxious or depressed again I need to switch my thinking to understanding that I will feel anxious again at some point because that’s what anxiety is. However when that time comes I have the necessary tools to help me get through the moment and survive it aka I can dance through my anxiety (hello inspiration for the title of my blog). This is 100% easier to write then it is for me to do, honestly at times I feel this is nearly impossible. I feel that now that I’ve opened my brain to understanding why I often feel worry and anxiety I can’t shut it off, but I need to instead try to learn how to  find the same understanding for all emotions. What really makes me happy or angry or excited or frustrated? At this moment in time I often find I honestly don’t know the answer to these questions but I can definitely tell you what my anxiety and panic attack triggers are. This is where my focus is right now, learning to live in the moment and reacquaint myself with the many emotions we can experience. When I’m happy I want to be happy and when I need to be angry or sad I want to let myself feel that too, but I don’t want to spend my time during one emotion waiting to feel something else.
If any of you out there have any tips or tricks on how to live more in the moment and let yourself feel whatever emotion arises I would love to hear them!
Until next time 💜
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Meeting Jenny Lawson

On Monday my parents and I adventured out to La Jolla, California to attend Jenny Lawson’s (author of Furiously Happy and Let’s Pretend This Never Happened) book signing for her new book, You Are Here, at Warwick’s book store. This was not an easy task but it was so incredibly worth it and I wanted to share with you how it went.
This past week has been a very positive week for me and therefore I’ve found myself wanting to push myself a little extra. I have been focusing on my anxiety related to being in a car and have thankfully been having some success at it. For about the last year I haven’t been able to be in a car for longer than about thirty minutes before I would start panicking, but I have really been noticing how limiting that is and was determined to change it. After talking to my therapist about where my car anxiety seems to be stemming from I was able to attack the problem more head on. My parents and I have spent the last week going on driving adventures and my confidence when being in a car has really increased  to the point where I can spend multiple hours and be okay. So when I saw that Jenny Lawson was having a book signing in La Jolla I thought this would be the perfect test for my new found abilities.  Not only is La Jolla about an hour and a half drive from my house but we would also be driving during traffic time, which is a definite trigger for me. The reward though would be getting to meet Jenny Lawson, so I really wanted to give it a try.
One of those books in the back is mine!
Taken from Jenny’s Instagram
I prepared  the best I could and we had all kinds of back up plans in place. The good news is that we hit very little traffic and the drive went very smoothly for me on the anxiety side of things. The bad news is that this whole time I never prepared myself for actually going to the book signing because I was so focused on the drive, so when we actually got there I was in for a surprise. Now the whole time I was aware of what I was getting myself into. I knew book signings involved other people and time spent with these other people; however, I never actually prepared for this or really thought about what I was doing. You may be thinking to yourself that this makes no sense since I am a person with anxiety who tends to overthink and analyze every single situation before I enter it. You would be correct, the only thing I can think is that I was so focused on surviving the drive it was all my brain could handle. So when we finally got to the venue at 6:30 for the event that started at 7:30 and there were already people in line, my immediate reaction was, what have I done? I immediately regretted coming because I wasn’t ready to stand in a line and be surrounded by people for an entire hour before the event and then also during the entire event. Lucky for me both my parents came with me and recognized my immediate spiral into panic mode. My parents took turns standing in line while I walked around with the other one and pretended that I wasn’t freaking out about this whole situation. I eventually conquered this line anxiety but then I got back in line to hear that there were only 40 seats available due to reserved seating. Cue anxiety again. I knew I was going to struggle with sitting but the thought of having to stand through this was just not an option for me. I was completely ready to go home and forget it all together. I had to repeatedly tell my parents please don’t let me run away from this because I really want to be here but I also was recognizing that I was entering into flight mode. Luckily having them there helped so much, my dad even walked down the line counting people to reassure me that I was close enough to the front of the line to get a seat. When the doors opened at 7 my  mom and I entered the venue and were lucky enough to get a seat and it was close to the back which made it way easier to be in this crowd of people.

The view from my seat, so many people!
Waiting for the event to start was not super easy but the second Jenny Lawson started speaking I was fine and more than that I was so incredibly grateful I had stayed. She is hilarious, real, honest, weird, and incredibly motivating. I could go on and on about how much I admire her but this post is already getting long so all I can say is read her blog, (you can find it here), buy her books and/or follow her on social media, you won’t regret it. After we got to listen to her speak it was time for pictures and book signing. Cue another line that I was not a fan of. I thought that the earlier line would have helped show me that I could survive this line but once again all I wanted to do was run. I was able to handle it but not without a short break outside to sit in the car with my dad for a little while my mom waited in line (seriously my parents are amazing). Eventually it was my time to meet Jenny and I got to tell her we were birthday twins, thank her, and hand her a note for her to read later explaining just how truly thankful I am for her. After the signing we stopped for some In-n-Out and headed towards home. I DID IT!

As previously mentioned Jenny Lawson was promoting her new book You Are Here which is mainly a coloring book of doodles she drew when she was depressed. I bought my copy from Barnes & Noble but you can also find it on Amazon here. Let me know if you purchase it and we can color together or share our coloring achievements with each other!
All in all this trip is one I definitely put in the success column! Was it all easy? Absolutely not because even during my positive streaks my anxiety can come out to play. Was it worth it? Absolutely! Not only did I get to meet Jenny Lawson but I also got to have a positive experience that helped me believe in myself, gain confidence in my abilities to handle situations that aren’t completely comfortable, and gave me a moment to feel like my normal self again. It also gave me a chance to feel proud of myself instead of disappointed and frustrated and I can’t even explain how great that felt! Now in the future when I’m in a situation with anxiety triggers I hope to be able to look back to this adventure as proof I can survive.

Until next time. 💜
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I Am Important

During my most recent episode of depression I felt very lost in my purpose. I didn’t feel important or that I really had a purpose in my everyday life. I wasn’t going to school or working so why did I need to get out of bed? Why did I even need to get dressed? It wasn’t until after I got out of this depression that I realized that I was working on me and that was important. It is important. Then I got sad when talking about this to my therapist because I didn’t even feel that I was worthy enough to get up for. I mean how bad of a place do you have to be in to not think taking care of yourself is important? It was hard for me to face the truth that I didn’t think I was worth getting out of bed for. In my mind if I wasn’t doing something for someone else then my life didn’t have purpose. Don’t get me wrong I love helping people but one of the best ways to connect with someone else in my opinion is to truly understand yourself first. I had the answers on how to help take care of other people but when it came to me I was lost.

It was like a foreign concept to me in that moment, figuring out how to take care of myself and considering myself important. I could take myself and someone else and put us in the exact same position, something that actually recently happened when my dad and I were both sick. I would sit there and tell my dad he should go to the doctor, make sure he was taking medicine, just anything I could do to make sure he got better, my thoughts were all consumed with him getting healthy. When it came to me however I didn’t have those same thoughts. I wasn’t telling myself to go to the doctor or take medicine or rest, these thoughts didn’t even really cross my mind. Even writing this out is hard, looking back and seeing how very unimportant I was to myself.

This is something that is very present for me and something I am working hard on trying to correct. I still have purpose and that purpose is working on myself and learning how to navigate life with this illness so that I can have the future I want to have. My therapist gave me great advice and that is to take every thought I have towards wanting to help someone else and to turn it inwards. For example going back to my dad and I both being sick, asking the question should he go to the doctor and then changing that to should I go to the doctor? This is what I’m trying to do moving forward. I feel guilty because I feel like I am being selfish taking care of myself first but honestly what good am I to someone else if I’m a mess? However, I know the time will come when I’m once again in a position to help others and take care of myself as well but until then I’m going to have to be selfish and focus on myself.
I leave you with this quote and cute picture that I hope will help you whenever you may be feeling this way and will help you remember that you are important. We all are important and it is okay if the only thing we accomplish in a day is taking care of ourselves because that is still something to be proud of.
“I am more than good enough and I get better every day.” – Anonymous



Until next time. 💜
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Guest Blog: Mom Guilt

Just a few thoughts from the mom side.

You know those people who say, “if I had my life to live over again I wouldn’t change a thing”?  I just can’t begin to comprehend that.   Oh sure, I would never change the amazing man I married, my job working with kids, and the wonderful family and friends I’m surrounded by.  It’s the little things I’m always reviewing and reassessing in my head.  “Why did I say THAT?”  “Why didn’t I do it that other way?”

I’m always feeling guilt (anxiety?) over past decisions and actions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to my children.  Every insecurity they suffer or illness they’ve faced must somehow be traced back to something I did or failed to do when they were younger, right? And when they’re suffering with things that are hard to pin down and fix right away?  Well, I should have caught it sooner.  I should have seen those little clues like I can always find in the movies before it progressed to this point.

But I didn’t, and I haven’t been able to forgive myself yet. 

Looking back with my 20/20 hindsight, I can see clues during her youth that my daughter was being occasionally visited by the anxiety monster.  People would say “she’s a worrier” and “a lot of smart kids worry a lot” and I would assume the individual episodes were just that…disconnected episodes. If the idea of seeing a counselor or therapist was brought up, it would be at a time when the monster retreated and I would fall back into the “oh, she’s just a worrier” frame of mind and just try to keep things cheerful.  Now, I wonder what things would be like today if I had intervened earlier.  Did I mess things up for her?

Mom guilt can be heavy.

So, I try to help however I can.  Sometimes by pushing her to just get out of bed already! (followed by guilt over whether she may just need that sleep this time), coaxing her to the doctor’s office, convincing her to try that medicine when all other avenues have been exhausted, and hoping one day to help her ease off that medicine when she doesn’t need it anymore. (Even mom guilt can be studded with pieces of hope).

Other times, over every guilty thought I have telling me to do the contrary, I try to help by not helping so much.  Having to take care of yourself even when you feel bad is an important lesson too.

Mainly, though, I try to just let her know how amazing and strong a woman she is. Because you are NOT your anxiety, it’s just an illness.
Even if you’re not the one suffering the journey can be just as tough. If anyone wants to further talk or commiserate over this annoying parent guilt feel free to reach out.
💛 Momma Genta

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Book Review: Furiously Happy

I just finished reading the book Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things by Jenny Lawson and I absolutely LOVED it!

In this book Jenny Lawson writes about some of her daily experiences with her mental illness. I would highly recommend it for anyone going through anxiety and/or depression, and also anyone who wants to better understand what it’s like living with anxiety and/or depression. Actually I just recommend this book to anyone because it’s great!

Not everyone’s journey with mental illness is the same but I found myself relating to the author on so many levels. There were so many points in this book where I laughed out loud and there were just as many that made me feel less alone because I’m not the only person that can take the smallest things and have their brains take it off into the most crazy tangent.
I don’t want to go into too much detail because I don’t want to spoil too much for those that are going to read it but I do have to share two excerpts from her book that really spoke to me. Even if you don’t have time to read the book I think these are two points that you will appreciate especially if you suffer from a mental illness.

The first one is something that I wish I could shout to the world. It is a great example of how ridiculous it is when you tell someone who is fighting a mental illness that it is something they can just get over. I relate to this so much because at the beginning I often wouldn’t understand why I couldn’t just snap my fingers and be happy or stop panicking when there wasn’t even anything to panic about but that is not at all the case. This is an illness we’re fighting and it’s not just going to go away without help. Just because  this form of illness isn’t visible doesn’t mean it’s not real and doesn’t mean that fighting it isn’t just as important. 


I have many days where I feel like a complete failure. It’s so hard for me to go from having a good day to spending the next day not being able to get out of bed. I also often compare myself to other people who have anxiety which is not helpful at all because it’s not like a broken arm, every case of anxiety/depression is different. It’s so frustrating that this illness is completely unpredictable and that it’s not something we just get rid of. One of the things my therapist told me when I first started seeing her is that anxiety/depression isn’t something we get rid of, it’s something we learn to dance with. There will be good days and there will be bad days but it will always be there. This excerpt perfectly summed up these feelings for me and helped me further understand that every case is different and I need to focus on what is the right way for me to dance with this illness. 

I could go on and on with the takeaways and parts of this book that I clicked with but at that point you should really just read the book. I checked it out as an e-book from my library but if you want to purchase it (I’m totally getting it and adding it to my collection) it can be found on Amazon here. 

If anyone has any books they would recommend regarding anxiety and depression (or just in general because I’m a book nerd) I would love to hear them. 
Until next time, happy reading! 💜

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How Did I Get Here?

Looking back on my life knowing what I now know about anxiety, I can confidently say this is something that I have been struggling with my whole life. A lot of my anxiety prior to recently comes from a fear of judgment, a very low level of self-esteem, and a fear of very irrational situations I loved to make up in my mind. However it was always something I could kind of handle and get through on my own or with help from my parents until about two years ago. 

In February of 2015 my grandpa passed away and to say I was devastated would be an understatement. He was my last living grandparent and I just couldn’t grasp what life was going to be like without him. This wasn’t my first time dealing with death, even death of a grandparent, as I’ve been to almost as many funerals as years I am old but, this was the first time that the grief became unbearable (something I wasn’t aware of at the time). After his passing I cried, went through the funeral, and honestly thought I was fine. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks later that the panic attacks began to start. They would come at the most random times and I had no idea what they were.  I was convinced I was just sick so I went to the doctor where she told me that I was fine and it seems like I was describing anxiety and panic attacks. After having a panic attack in her office when I heard nothing was wrong with me, my doctor prescribed me some Xanax to take as needed and sent me on my way. The Xanax definitely helped me get through those tough times that I didn’t think I could handle on my own. I eventually also started seeing a therapist. She helped me realize that my anxiety was stemming from grief that I had buried when my grandpa died and I found all of our sessions extremely beneficial and eventually went back to living my normal life.

Fast forward to a year later, I was in my last semester of college (or so I thought), I was living in an apartment with two of my best friends, I was working a job I loved, my panic attacks were under control, and I was feeling great. February brought about another death in my life and through the grieving of this death my body decided to let me know that my anxiety wasn’t gone and I probably still had a lot more grief to process than I thought. I basically moved back in with my parents, quit my job, semi dropped out of school, and stopped going to therapy in a matter of weeks. I barely ate and I barely got out of bed. My panic attacks became the worst I had ever experienced to the point where I was convinced I was dying when they were happening. Hyperventilating while feeling like I can’t breathe, losing the feeling in my left arm, losing my eye sight, and feeling like my brain was tingling and leaving my body all at the same time. Back to the doctor we went and she suggested I start taking a daily anxiety medication.  Being the stubborn person I was I didn’t want to take the medication because I was convinced I could get through it on my own like I did last time. I figured I could just go to therapy and take my Xanax as needed, except I couldn’t get myself to leave the house to go to therapy and my Xanax wasn’t helping so I don’t really know what I was thinking besides the fact that I was terrified of being stuck on this medication the rest of my life.

After moving past my denial and realizing I was depressed I agreed to try the medication and it was the best decision I’ve ever made. I also found a therapist that I have sessions with through a Skype like program so that I can still get help even when I’m going through those phases of not wanting to leave my house.
This brings us to where I am today. I take Lexapro daily, I see my therapist weekly, and I’m working on myself constantly. Is it where I thought I would be at this point in my life? Not at all and to be honest there are some days where this fact drives me crazy. However I am growing, learning, and most importantly surviving. I may not be living the life I dreamed but I am learning to dance with my illness and that is a lesson that will help me live out my dreams in the future. 

Phew this was a long one, but I felt it was very important to share this part of my story. It also is a huge step for me in my progress because I’m moving on from being ashamed to a place where I can openly talk about my experiences which is a HUGE deal for me. If you ever want to share a conversation about anxiety please please please reach out to me!

Until next time. 💜
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An Introduction

Hello friends and welcome to my blog! This blog is all about my journey and struggle dealing with anxiety, panic disorder, and depression. I’ve found so much comfort over the past year hearing stories from people going through what I’m going through and knowing I’m not alone. I’ve always found so much joy in helping others and hope that by sharing my story I can help at least one person feel less alone through their experience with this illness. That being said, I can’t guarantee you will relate to everything I say, that this will be a light-hearted and happy blog, or that I won’t eventually run out of things to say, but I can guarantee that I will be 100% honest and real with you through the good and the bad. 

Who Am I You Ask?

 

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Christy (actually if we’re going by legal names my name is Christine) and I am currently 24 years old. I recently graduated from Chapman University with my BS in Business Administration with an emphasis in Management but I am currently living at home and unemployed. (Yay anxiety!) I have two loving parents who I am endlessly thankful for because although I could write about how awesome they are forever, I will sum it up by saying they never give up on me even when I want to give up on myself and I will never be able to express to them just how much that truly means to me. I also have two brothers, one who is about three years older than me and one who is about three years younger than me. So not only am I the only girl but I am also the middle child. My brothers are hands down two of the most intelligent and hilarious human beings I know, and I love them far more than I am willing to admit. I always longed for a sister growing up so in college I did what most people in this position would do and I joined a sorority. Alpha Gamma Delta not only brought me sisters but also provided me with some of my most real and true friendships that I know will last for years to come. On top of my immediate family and my “sisters” my extended family are all gifts in my life and I don’t know how I could survive without them. I honestly consider myself spoiled when it comes to being surrounded by amazing people in my life. 

What Do I Know?


I will do a post about my whole journey to how I got to the point where I am today regarding my anxiety but for now I will share that I struggle with anxiety daily, I have been diagnosed with panic disorder, and at times I go through rounds of depression (currently in one of those sad times now). I’m on a daily medication, don’t go anywhere without my emergency supply of Xanax, and I have a therapist who I talk with every week. I’m fully committed to fighting this invisible illness and after spending so much time ashamed and embarrassed I’m finally ready to open up about what my life is truly like.

If you embark on this journey with me, first of all thank you! Second of all, I may be struggling but I would love to help anyone I can by answering questions, offering tips and tricks, or even just commiserating over how much anxiety sucks.  We are in this together and I look forward to fighting this fight with you whether it’s you who is struggling or someone you know. We can do this!


So I will end with this quote from Winnie the Pooh: “You are braver than you believe, smarter than you seem, and stronger than you think.”

Until next time 💜